A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've posted here previously about issues with my "in-laws." My partner and I have 3 children together, and we've relocated near his family and issues arose with their boundaries and respect for me. I've gone with the kids to spend time with my family across the country and have been here a few weeks. In that time, I've pretty much decided that I want to stay. When I left, my entire energy and spirit felt very tired and broken. I had started drinking, not a lot but just enough to take the edge off. I know this to be a problem because I had big drinking problems when I was younger and have been sober for some years, but drinking is my coping method. I was unhappy there. I was lonely and isolated as a stay at home mom with "restrictions." I didn't have a car. He controlled the money. I was constantly under the watchful eyes of his grandfather who insisted on coming around regularly. They'd talk about me behind my back. When my partner's father made a huge deal out of not being able to take my son for the day after I had said he couldn't because of some bad behavior that morning, they ignored me completely and for the next few weeks after, i hardly saw my son. My partner would take him in the early afternoon and he'd be with his grandfather until right before bedtime. It was depressing. I felt I had no agency as a mother. My partner started to become mean. He always made me feel like whatever I did was wrong. When I cooked, he'd come and talk down about how I prepared the meal. We were setting up a canopy at the beach and he got mad about how I was helping. There are other instances but I won't delve into those. I just know by the time we left, I was an anxious wreck and I couldn't wait to leave. We planned for him to come visit in a week, and he wants us all to travel back together. Now I'm incredibly anxious because of his visit. I don't want to go back. I dont know how we can function as a family if we don't go back, but I dont know how I can function as a woman/mother/partner if I have to live like that anymore. And the worst part is i dont think he will understand. He grew up in that environment. His mom became a shell of a woman because of the way his dad treated her. She finally left after 20 yrs, but I dont want to be her. I dont want the fight. I'm tired and emotionally weak. I can't fight. But being here with my family, I feel stronger and happy. When I think of going back, the only positive thing I can think of is that my kids will be with their dad. But I get this aching in the pit of my stomach and my heartbeat grows faster at the very thought of being there.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2019): I think you should seek shelter and counseling for emotionally-abused women. You will also have to seek pro bono (free) legal advice from an attorney; because your husband is going to fight you tooth and nail over the custody of your children. He is going to try and make this look like a kid-napping; if you're not careful. Seeking legal protection and counseling gives you time and a means to devise a plan; since you're at a financial disadvantage.
At this point, I don't think he's going to be receptive of anything you have to say. Once he knows what you plan to do, he'll be on his way to take the kids back. I think you should contact a women's shelter immediately; to ask for advice and counseling.
His objective is to always be in control; and to make sure you don't find a way to divorce him and take the kids away from him. It won't be necessarily because he loves them so much; it is because you will become his adversary, if you rebel against what he perceives as his authority over you and the children. Your description gives a textbook-description of a narcissist. I do recall your previous posts.
He has his duties as a father/husband/partner; but he is abusive and dismissive of your spousal and maternal-rights. As if you have no say at all, and he can take the children from you whenever he pleases; and send them wherever, regardless of your concerns. No, that's taking it back to the 1800's, it wasn't that bad in the 20th century!
Whatever you do, cover all legal bases; so he won't turn this around on you. I don't recommend you self-medicate with alcohol. Alcoholism would give him more advantage in a custody-battle; which is quite likely when you talk about not returning home.
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (28 July 2019):
 You sound like you are on the verge of a nervous breakdown. The kids MAY be happy being with their dad but, by the sound of it, they will not have a happy or healthy mum if you go back.
Before your husband comes to visit, you need to discuss this whole situation with your family and see how it could work if you were to stay. What would you do for money? Your husband would need to support the children financially but, given that he will obviously not be pleased that you refuse to return, he would not be the first man to refuse to give you any money. Could you get a job which would pay enough to support yourself and your children? Would you have somewhere to live? Would your family be able to help you? You need a workable plan before you tell your husband you are not going back.
In your shoes, given how anxious and unhappy you are, I would be making serious plans to NOT go back. You do need to be aware that your husband would insist on taking the children back, regardless of whether you choose to go or not. You need to give serious consideration to all possible eventualities and make plans.
Good luck. I hope you can work something out.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2019): When he comes down sit him and tell him exactly as you are telling here. The important point is you have to decide if you love him or not. The idea of the children have a father shouldn't be at the expense of you being misrable for the rest of your life. They main question you must ask yourself whether you love your husband or not. No point in staying with him if you no longer love him.
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