A
female
age
36-40,
*epperraid
writes:My boyfriend and I had known each other through mutual friends and exes for years. We got along the first day we met, both having laid-back personalities. We never got the chance to really get to know one another because we both were with possessive, abusive, jealous people that would not let us speak to friends or anyone really.We both left our bad relationships over a year ago (we were not in contact during this time), though he does have a two year old son from one of them. The son is adorable and he has custody, his mother is not in the picture. We reconnected and it was surreal. I had quite a lot of surreal experiences during the first part of my relationship with him. We were perfect for each other in every way. We hated/liked the same weird things when it came to music, movies, tv shows, food, drink etc. and also thought that people's predilections in these kinds of things should not be used to judge who they are, as long as you admit to liking what you actually like it doesn't matter. We had the same extremely specific weaknesses, fears, doubts, the same deep-seeded issues, insecurities and roots of these (which we never shared with another, mostly because we did not realize it in ourselves until the other held up a mirror and allowed us to feel safe to be completely vulnerable), and the same reactions to these things both good and bad.Our goals/dreams/desires/wants/needs were identical (there are many but among them: family, freedom, security, fun, adventure, spontaneity, responsibility and a home base in the forest) to; Our personalities (upfront, nonjudgmental, peaceful, rational, calm, empathetic, insightful, optimistic, positive, easy-going, fun, goofy, crazy in the same way, self-destructive at times in similar ways, responsible in the same way. Both the way we are and want others to be in relationships (calm, rational, easygoing, open-minded, relaxed, loving, caring, giving, empathetic, insightful, supportive, nonjudgmental, honest, upfront, not possessive/ jealous/ insulting/ overbearing/ yelling/ snapping/abusing/changing the other person or holding them down in any way) which left me feeling free and confident with him more than without him; had the same types of experiences throughout life though in different settings and times (sometimes, we were both imprisoned in the same town at the same time) which taught us the same lessonsHe also had the exact same parenting beliefs as me (every single thing I have thought I would do or not do with my child, a list which is endless and specific, but he shares them all) Him enjoying the same type and frequency of sex as me is definitely important too. I had the best sex I have ever had in my life with him. It is intense, free, passionate, loving and sometimes crazy. I trust him and feel completely at ease with him, Both feeling the same absolute love and certainty, I loved him more than I loved anyone in my life, but I had no fear for once, because as he said, there was no way this would not last… we both knew we would never find another person in the world more perfect for the other. No one would make us as happy. This is still probably true. The other reason it was surreal was because at one point a little while in, we spent more than three weeks, about 800 hours straight with one another, usually just the two of us, still able to spend days talking, having sex 3-5 times a day minimum, going on so many adventures including minigolf, ziplinging, rollercoaster rides, Freemont St. and driving in the desert to see what towns we find, dealing with deep seated issues and relieving truths we never shared, working past huge insecurities, discovering ourselves by being total honest mirrors for one another....He introduced me to his son, who still asks for me, and who I love so much. He gave me a ring that meant a lot to him as a placeholder for an engagement ring, he asked if we could be a family. He wanted me to get pregnant and for once I was really okay with that (we've been trying the last month). I left my job to move back to where he lived (had left after my previous relationship). I had a ticket, was giving my apartment back early. Then he broke up with me because he was in love with his ex girlfriend who he had run into when he was there without me for less than a week. I had sensed him being distant and cold (unlike him) before but he wouldnt acknowledge it. This hit me like a ton of bricks and he said that once we talked (we hadnt really lately) he remembered how perfect we were and that he was just scared how I would react if he told me the truth about his feelings (I am not crazy, I was crying, but told him if he had any small chance of wanting to be with her to go, because I couldn't live in limbo or have this happen and break my heart again). He said over and over it was a momentary lapse from stress of being apart. His brother and sister-in-law, parents and friends would have killed him (they like me, hated her because she didnt try with / like J. cause she had her own kid, she was rude, mean, and locked my boyfriend away last time they were together. He didn't tell them. Everything went back to normal, he was like his old self again, I started to trust, but I had to ask him some questions and tell him some things (he said the subject was over, so it was hard to find a way, but I did and he got it and answered), then he told me to put my walls back down, take my armor off and trust him, cause he was all in. And nothing would change his mind. Two days later we were talking and texting throughout the day and he had to go put his son to bed. He called me two or three hours later. I responded; "Hey baby, whats up?" And he said "A lot". He told me he loved her and wanted to be with her and there was no changing his mind. He said he loved me. He said he didn't want to hurt me. Then he started trying to get me to hate him, actually telling me too. He said he had tried to ignore it and push it down and if he hadn't picked up the landline and talked to her it would have been different. He said we were perfect for each other and we shared more personal things with one another than he had with anyone else, but he couldn't get past his love for her. Its been two days and I still feel numb. I still want him back, but I haven't made an attempt to fight for him because I want someone who knows they want me. I am without job, place, and the future I was about to fly towards. Lost and confused. How did this happen?
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female
reader, Pepperraid +, writes (12 October 2012):
Pepperraid is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi everyone, thanks for the answers :)As to the last answer, he told me he loves me more than his ex (and wants me , as in wants to be with me). He had already undone his decision to take her back when he told me the next day he had made a mistake, so he broke up with her and told her some things that have left her steaming so she won't call again. That part isn't really my problem, its actually one of the only things that doesn't concern me about him, especially since he told me I had to get there as soon as possible or it wouldn't work because he would lose hope we would finally get it sorted out to move. I think if he was stringing me along he would have been fine with me staying here and not blown her off in such a final way.My problem is his ability to freak out so easily and the fact that I think he will always love her to some degree.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2012): Hes totally lost!
This guy really doesnt know what he wants!but hes also clever.
Its almost like( by what hes been telling you) he loves her , but wants you, so in hindsight, is trying to keep you tagged along so to speak incase it falls though with ex he still loves.
Seriously, he's said he loves HER.
But WANTS you.
That means shes the love of his life, but if it falls through, he'd still want you back. as the back-up plan.
Hes trying to have his cake and eat it.
Hanging you by a thread, making sure your right there for him.Knowing all the right words to say to you! are you seriously gunna fall for it? more fool you if you do!
This is what will happen:
1. he says he wants you, but loves her, wants you, loves her
2. meanwhile hes telling her he loves her and wants her back
3.again wants you, loves her
4. In the slight chance (behind your back) she rejects him, or it doesnt work out, he knows he can come back to you and say i want you now, youd take him back knowing none the wiser that the only reason he'd ever end up back with you is if it doesnt work out with the ex!
5. you look like a fool and have most certainly been played!
If your not "everything" to him, then be "nothing"
You are not an option, you deserve to be the "one" to someone, so dont settle for second best, you are in no way enclined to be anyones "second best".
Love is always First class! you will get that one day.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (11 October 2012):
 I agree with Stacey. I read your whole post and your update and it seems this guy does not know one end from the other right now.
You were making all these sacrifces and life changes so you could be with him and he bails?...how very cruel and dumb. Does he even know how bad that is to do that to you?
I also agree that you are handling things perfectly. Eventually he is going to realise he has made a HUGE mistake, most likely when things don't work out with the ex and he finds himself alone again.
In the mean time you need to re establish yourself where you are, find another job or maybe get your old one back (because you gotta live...right?). Take things at your own pace and deal with your dissapontment.
If he comes back to you (and I can say that he will)you have to be 100% definite about what you expect to hear from him if he is to be allowed back in your life)
Do not take calls from him or get into conversations with him if he is still being flaky. Things like:
'I'm so confused'
'I still love you...but'
'I am dealing with my issues'
Do not let him talk you into moving to be with him again just to see if things will work out or because he 'misses you' or I can't stop thinking about you'...the time for ambiguity has passed and you need good solid clear signals from this guy that he is serious about you and wants a future with you.
Right now he is hedging his bets and to even say to you.
'Oh if I'd never run into her, none of this would have happened'...well that's plain disgraceful.
He has f**ked up majorly and if he wants you back then he's going to have to walk over a few hot coals to prove it.
I would even go so far as to suggest that if he rolls around again, you insist he gives up his job and moves to be with you, because why should you disrupt your life again?
Do not have any conversations that involve keeping you on the hook or in the bag, because that sh*t can go on for years and years and will ensure your life is miserable, painful and damaged.
I really feel for you but you seem like a very strong person. Heal, move on and you will find happiness again.
Big Hugs xxxxx
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A
female
reader, Stayc63088 +, writes (11 October 2012):
 Wow. You probably didn't feel relief because everything he says is bullcrap. He is so flaky and is flipping back and forth. And why? Because you aren't there in person yet?? You already have made every preparation to move, when were you planning to actually go? It sounds like he loves drama and the idea of being in love. You don't choose someone else because the one you love isn't around right that minute... Ridiculous. That isnt being in love with you and you probably realize that. The way you are handling yourself is very impressive by the way. I'd be so angry and upset with this flaky shit.
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A
female
reader, Pepperraid +, writes (11 October 2012):
Pepperraid is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOkay, he called me today (was his house phone, so thought it was his sister-in-law), and we talked. Have been oddly calm and rational throughout this so far (thought it was numbness at first, but it doesn't go away and I still have feelings). Told him I did not hate him, nor was I mad because love was love. I told him I wouldn't judge their relationship based on what other people don't like about it or her, because I didn't like if someone did that with him. And I told him that I could still look back happily on all the amazing memories we had as friends, if that's something he wanted. He said yes. Talking to me, he AGAIN, said it was me he wants. That it was because I am not there and we didn't know exactly when we will have everything sorted so he got hopeless. And when that happens if he talks to her, he will feel those feelings. Don't even know what to say, wasn't expecting it after how resolute he was before, but he seems to be resolute with every decision back and forth. And I didn't feel the relief I thought I would when he "chose me". More kind of mild disinterest.
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A
female
reader, Stayc63088 +, writes (10 October 2012):
I hate that I can't tell you why this happened. No one can really. I'm sorry you are going through this. Everything you described sounded like an ex I had in my past. We fit perfectly in every way possible, even down to when you described how he treated his child and how you felt you would parent the same way. And spending all that time together wherein you had sex 3+ times a day and had an amazing time. Planning to get married, telling our families we would. All identical. As I was reading it felt like when I posted about my ex years ago when he left me and I was confused and hurt. All I can say is when it's too good to be true, it normally is. My ex was just a liar essentially. Which I found out later. He told me the things I wanted to hear. I loved him so much that I thought it was compatibility and soul mates. But the woman he ended up with was the exact opposite of everything he told me he liked, everything he acted like, totally different. I just realized I didn't know him like I thought I did and he wasn't who I thought he was.
If your ex is the same I can't say, it's just what I went through. But you obviously didn't know him fully since he was still so into his ex. Now you are homeless and jobless, so where are you staying? My advice is to stay with family. Talk to them, talk to friends, cry, write out your feelings... Accept your emotions head on and don't try to shove them away. Keep yourself busy doing anything to keep your mind off of him. I found new shows that kept my attention, new video games. Over time it hurts less. You are already smart to know not to call him. And of course you are still going to want him and you will until one day you learn something about him that changes how you feel or you meet someone else. I had a happy ending after my ex. I love my husband but I can say I never felt the way for him that I did for my ex. My ex was a passionate, romantic relationship, like you hear about in movies. And if I've learned anything, that doesn't last and it isn't real. If you ever feel lonely or want to talk you can message me here. I know after a tough break up having someone to talk to makes a big difference.
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