A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:At my recent works Christmas meal, our waiter gave me his number, I was flattered and decided to text him. The more we text to and from we found that we clicked almost instantly, he said he couldn't take his eyes off me at the meal and I was taken in by all the attention. The more he got to know me he kept saying I sound like his dream girl, he said I sound like we have loads in common, even before our date he said "I want the chance to become your boyfriend"Our first date was amazing, I found he wasn't my usual type but I was attracted to his personality, we found that there was a spark there and decided to go on a second date that same week. On the date he wanted to ask me out but I was hesitant, but at the end of the night I agreed as it felt 'right'. By week one I was at his house staying up til 4am sharing life stories and memories, I felt a deep connection like never before, he told me he has always been unhappy and played me a song that made him cry. By week two he introduced me to his mates, all who said I was stunning, that same night my boyfriend slipped out "that's why I love you" I was shocked, but it felt right, I ended up feeling like I'd met the one. When we went back to his I told him I wanted to have our first time as he already loves me and it feels right..it did. The texting was always full on by him, "good morning princess" "your amazing" phrases along the lines of this. We both found we were like male/female versions of each other and every time we met up it was like electricity. We were both so in love, he said he wanted to marry me one day ..told his friends the same, his friends said they had never seen him this happy before. I myself was ridiculously happy, going into work with a spring in my step. He mentioned plans of going on holiday together, what we would do on our birthdays..you name it. He said he had never been in love like this before that he won't ever do anything to mess this up and I'm his dream girl. We both had a week off work and he invited me to meet his family...he met my mum and dad. Everything was going right. That's where things started to change, he said "I'm warning you now, we probably won't see much of each other next week as I have to work loads" I completely understood. That week I saw him once and that was because I told him I missed him. He backed off with texting me apologizing the odd day saying he's just stressed with working as he has to find the money to move out, all throughout this I was patient. He stared saying he can't text in work anymore. It got to a point where I was making all the plans to see him. The last time I saw him he was distant and started being kind of snappy about things he never was like before. When we parted he said he will do something nice for me when he moves into his new house, he said he would text me later but didn't. Two days later he texts me worried that I didn't get his texts as he's dropped his phone and its now 'broken' every time I ring him he ignores it saying he didn't realize I had rung him. He makes excuses that he's rushing to work then pretended I was mad at him. Since then he's given me the silent treatment, it's been a week since we spoke. I left him a message 5 days ago asking how he is. He ignores it. I know that it's over, but I need closure, I'm going out of my mind as I don't know what on earth has gone wrong. He's ignoring the phone and I need to pick up my stuff. I'm so heartbroken, I thought that I'd finally met the one. I'm nearly 28 and all I want now is to settle down...I thought he wanted this too.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2014): One thing that bothers me most when we have a bad experience in a relationship, or a courtship that ends up getting cut-short.
We all want to blame the opposite sex for having some kind of built-in bad gene. For gay people, we attribute behavior to stereotypical traits in certain "types" of lesbians, or gay men.
You don't always hit the jackpot on the first spin. It might take a lifetime of spins to hit it.
So you just keep trying, and learn as you go. I won on the first spin and had a 28-year relationship. He passed away in 2006. I've remained single by choice. Almost a year or so ago, had a brief relationship. Got dumped. It was great, then it wasn't. I'm healing, and dating for the absolute fun of it. Bitterness is a weakness. I refuse to be bitter; because bitter people have given up. It's hard to love them.
Sometimes love is delayed. It is a matter of fate; because we just aren't ready. Or there is someone out there, making their way to us. Scheduled not to find us until the right time, and the right place.
We forget we have our own faults, and make bad choices. So there is plenty of blame to go around.
I want to remind you and others reading this, who are single and actively dating.
Dating is meant to be fun.
Spending time and sharing with people. Getting to know them, and learning to weed-out those traits that are incompatible. Establishing our own deal-breakers; while realizing people we are attracted to, have a right to reject us. Based on their better judgement, or tastes.
It doesn't mean we are unworthy, nor undesirable. It was a miss. Take aim on someone else.
This is also a selective process; so we have to variate our tastes and not be to fixed on "types." Setting criteria no one can meet, including ourselves.
No one owes you happiness. Find that on your own. There are things you need, you don't go to other people to find. That's why I avoid insecure people. They feed on your spirit; and rob you of your strength trying to please them.
They aren't unworthy of love, just unworthy of the effort trying to fix them. That's their job. Not your fault they put their horses before the cart. Fix yourself, before you ruin someone's life.
That's the makings of a "serial break-up artist." Insecurity, desperation, and neediness!
There is something to be learned and understood about all "types" in order to make reasonable judgments and to be compassionate, sensible, and fair. Be open-minded.
Variety is the spice of life, and through dating we get a sample of every flavor. Weeding out the bad eggs, rotten apples, and nut-cases. So, just see it as part of the elimination process. He made you feel cared for, exercised your heart-muscle, and reminded you that you're not dead inside. You are capable of feeling. If anything, he resuscitated you. Now run with it.
Protect your feelings. Don't shut them down. When the right person comes along, they deserve the best of us. Not some damaged and bitter person, who is somebody's hit-and-run victim. We all make a bad choice sooner or later. Even a total a-hole will meet people that turn their worlds upside-down. That's how they change and redeem themselves.
Getting a taste of their own medicine.
Approach all relationships with optimism and realism. Base your feelings on the present, and the personality of the person you're with. Don't use the word "love;" until you've been in a relationship long enough to know the person you think you love. That your feelings are aimed in the right direction.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes I did fear I will be cynical from now on wiseowl, but I've decided to just be cautious and protective of my feelings and love from now on. No guy will get me that easy anymore, it's not easy me saying that and I doubt myself thinking if I'd actually follow that through, but I must from now on if I am to better my future.
I'm just pissed more than anything that I've let myself get fooled. He really made me believe that he wanted a relationship with me, I must add which is a very important factor to this story that he was split up a tear from his ex before he met me, he said he was with her for a year but she accused him of cheating as he was working so much so he ended it. He told me once he's with someone he's with someone, so I can't understand why if he is a 'player' he was with someone for a year? How am I not relationship worthy? I may of fell for his bullcrap but I don't understand it, is it because we rushed the milestones too fast?! All these torturous thoughts go round and round just as im convincing myself he is just a dirty player waiter using women. ..why then did he live with someone and also be with someone a year. May I add said ex was still in touch with him as he had a phone contract in her name. The girl he lived with apparently stabbed him in the leg when he dumped her and he said to me "this is why I don't dump girls face to face anymore"
Another thing I may add is he isn't from my area, he moves about a lot in jobs, he's lived lots of places.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2014): It isn't unusual for us to create and add more fuel to the fire when reaching out for empathy and sympathy after a very traumatic experience. Okay, I believe we've reached the milking-point.
You've hardly known the guy that long. You've painted quite a vivid picture of who and what he is. If you've discovered the piece of dirt he is, then it is only that much easier to move on. I'm beginning to believe you less when you say how distant you were; and how you were the one avoiding getting too deeply involved. He wouldn't gone for the gold unless he knew he could.
The length of your post and the added dramatizations says completely otherwise. You were in-fact, in quite deep. You went too far with the Hollywood romanticizing of your relationship. People eventually fall off the cloud when
reality sets in. That's a very hard fall. It's actually best to keep both feet planted on the ground, when you get emotionally-involved with people. Not be so taken-in by words and ways mimicking what you read in novels. It's just not real. If it looks and sounds too good to be true...
I do empathize with your feelings. It sounds that he lead you along, and just dropped you without you seeing it coming. You played much to gullible into his hands. When he he stopped contact, look how it affected you. You're claiming to be in-love with a guy you hardly know!
He sounds mentally unbalanced; because there is no rational explanation for behavior like that. He hit the breaks far too quickly; unless there is a side to the story he hasn't had the opportunity to share. We give you our support; because we only know your side. He has yet to tell his side.
Honestly, who gives a flying fig. He's a dick, no matter what it is.
I may anger you with such directness. I have to hit people with reality; in order to point them in the direction of healing. Like a slap to a person in hysterics. To make them stop wallowing in pity, snap back to reality, and regain their inner-strength. Regain balance, self-control,and their emotional composure.
That's where we have to go to pull ourselves up. I don't mean to hurt your feelings. I think we both know you got swept away. He had a moment to razzle a lady with his charms, and watch you get carried away. He played you,like he may have played many. His narcissistic supply came from watching you rise, and seeing you fall. That isn't a person with a rational mind.
Well, you will land on your feet in spite of this experience. You shouldn't become bitter or cynical, you appreciate that part of it that made you feel good. It is all the reality and lessons learned in dating. Just another exercise in growth. Don't confuse cynicism with realism.
So don't get all mean and become a male-hater.
You use the bad part to remind you that you find joy; even in the smallest things. Never let reality get too far out of your reach. For a moment it felt really good.
You'll be okay. If he calls out of the blue, I suggest that you go completely no contact; and not allow him to put you in this place never again. He may have some serious issues that you don't really need to complicate your life. You don't require explanations. Nor the excuse to continue contact under the guise of seeking "closure."
"Seeking closure" is just pushing the dagger deeper into your heart; once it's been pushed to the hilt. Then giving it a twist. I think it's better to make your own closure. The once size fits all answer for closure is. It just didn't work. Now get out.
Good luck! The right guy will come along and help you to push this all out of your memory. Dating sucks, but most of the time it's wonderful. I'm single too. Girlfriend, I've been through exactly the same thing you have. Yes, I have.
I lived to tell about it. You'll be just fine. I promise.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (2 March 2014):
 OP there is *NOTHING* wrong or boring about you and don't ever say that again. Any guy in the world would be lucky to have you because you sound like a really nice person. You are honest about your feelings, you are trusting of people and you gave all that you could for the man you loved. Where did you go wrong? I'll tell u where.
NOWHERE.
The guy has taken a leaf out of the player playbook also known as the sacred text of all the assholes and scumbags on this planet.
And come on OP, he's a waiter, no offence to the profession but its not like he's a great catch that all girls would be swooning and falling for him, the way that he claims. He told you some girl gave you his number and he binned it? Bullshit. He's just trying to make himself sound like he's "all that" and has girls falling hook line and sinker for him when in reality, he's just a scumbag.
OP such people are rarely happy with anyone and they derive a thrill out of playing with people's emotions. It's his problem; its certainly not like there's anything wrong with you because of which he's acting this way, this is the way he IS.
Take this as a lesson, I've known a player too and it hurt a lot to be a fool enough to be played by him. After the initial hurt, I felt tremendous rage against him for actually having the fucking audacity to lead me on and toy with my feelings when I had done ABSOLUTELY nothing to deserve that treatment. I was good to him...too good, in fact. Like you, I too thought that I had finally found a nice guy and I could be happy with him and everything seemed perfect...until I heard that he had been engaged to another girl all along. He eventually went along to marry her when I stopped talking to him. Do I envy her? HELL no!! Pity her? Certainly!! You know why? Because he wanted to have sex with me on the day that I later learned was his engagement. Yes!! Can you beat that?! Thank GOD I didn't because now, I'm with the man I truly love with all my heart and who loves me more than I love him.
For all you know, you too have been saved before things got worse. If he's not a player, then, as the other aunts have suggested, he might be bipolar or depressed and you don't need to deal with that burden either. One day you're on cloud nine and the next day you're hitting rock bottom. That's never how an ideal relationship should be and there's absolutely no reason why you should even settle for that.
Chalk it up as a bad experience and just move on. Sometimes it's just for the best that you don't get what you want. This could be your blessing in disguise.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2014): If he won't answer your calls or texts and you need verification that's it's over, the only thing you can do is go wait for him to finish work and speak to him. I don't know about anyone else, but when you were telling your story I just had a fear he had a secret girlfriend and might be seeing you in secret and when his girlfriend suspected he's cut you off. That is just my suspicion and it's possibly not that all. But I have to agree with others on here that he could have a mental illness - I too have had a friend with bi-polar and the moods went from full on energetic and loving to suddenly messaging me dashes instead of words and being abrupt and distant. Anyway, I really hope you're able to get an answer either way.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the responses so far. I feel like such a fool. He bought me a valentines day card saying he loves me and he said "I do love you you know" none of it makes sense! I wish I would of been more cool with him. He is a waiter and he gets numbers off girls sometimes, he even told me some girl gave him her number and he binned it and his work colleague said why are you binning it?! And my boyfriend replied "because I have a girlfriend"
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the answers so far. I was never clingy, I always gave him space. I do feel we rushed into things too quickly, as he was a waiter do you think he's a player? What confused me is the fact he told me "I'm bored of the dating game and now I want a girlfriend" I admit I was very distant at first but he just made me feel so comfortable that I let my barrier down. I keep thinking theres something wrong or boring about me.
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A
male
reader, CMMP  +, writes (1 March 2014):
It's possible he suffers from depression or other emotional issues. Working a ton might have caused some stress which might have triggered some depression. You may be jumping to conclusions to say it's over, unless that's what you want.
However, this may be a regular thing with him. Is that something you want to live with for the rest of your life? I'm married to someone like that and I'm not sure it's worth it! There are plenty of fish in the sea and after the initial high wears off you need more than love to keep you together.
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A
female
reader, Pr3tty_in_pink86 +, writes (1 March 2014):
I had a similar experience. I believe it's infatuation, excessive flattery would back that theory up. I had a guy who would act obsessed, 7 weeks later lost interest.
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A
male
reader, devont +, writes (1 March 2014):
 I cannot tell you how many times I have heard this story before. And it is almost always when the girl dates someone who is 'not her usual type' and who was 'taken in by the attention'. I must give you credit for not whining at the end 'HE was the one who was into ME!' In my experience, things start to go wrong as soon as the chase and initial rush of 'love' is over (even though I don't think it is love)... After succeeding in capturing a beautiful girl, you're on a high, you're really pleased with yourself... she's funny and clever and kind and you can't get enough of her... Then something brings you back to reality and you realise you've got this girl and now it is 'dull' and there's nothing more to look forward to.This guy sounds immature and has behaved like an idiot. I'm sorry he sucked you in and I think it is quite appalling he is just ignoring you. You know it is over already, he has moved on to something or someone else who can give him another temporary high. Be thankful this has happened after 6 weeks rather than 6 months when you would have been more invested in him. Don't bother texting him again. He may well come back in a few weeks or so... I wouldn't entertain him if I were you. You WILL find your one, he just wasn't it. Hold your head high and chalk this one up to experience. All the best.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2014): This is the classic world-wind romance. Everything is perfect. He's smitten and saying all the right things. A few weeks go by, and suddenly he's distant; and doesn't seem so glad to see you anymore.
First of all, no one can fall in-love that quickly. It isn't love at all. He may be very fond of you; but you are old enough to know that no one can build up feelings so fast.
You were both in-love with being in-love. You were high on pheromones and endorphins; and confusing your hormonal high with love. He came down off his high, and realized he isn't in-love. By this time, he has already pushed things way too far. Reality hit him like a wrecking ball. Possible brought on dealing with his job and move. He is no longer on cloud nine. He is now on "Reality Avenue."
He may have some emotional issues; or a mental disorder he has not yet disclosed to you. He said he was sad a lot. He may have depression, or suffer bi-polar depression. This would account for the sudden switch in gears.
Love is often used out of context. It takes time to develop the feeling of love. You start with a chemistry that evolves through different phases. You must have time to form an emotional attachment; in order to bond with each other. Your feelings have to be based on a full knowledge and understanding of the character and personality of the person you care so much for. Love doesn't just abruptly come to an ending like a head-cold.
Since you hardly know him, it shouldn't be too difficult to get over him. He may be afraid to admit to you that he may be under treatment for depression, or some other mental disorder.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (1 March 2014):
 If'n you put out for him.... then you can chalk this up as your first/best experience with guys using you, then walking away (from you).....
YOU can "benefit" only by recognizing what happened (this event) and NEVER repeating it!!!!
Sorry (on behalf of this a$$-guy).... we men do these things.....
Good luck in the future....
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