A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend is 12 years older than me, we were together for about a year and then on/off for another year, i.e. we didn't talk very often while I was away at university but would see each other, go to the movies etc whenever i was back home. Anyway, after being on/off for a year we have been pretty much back together for about 6 months now.However i just found out from looking at his facebook (not hacking in, just viewing from my account) that he lied to me about a few things during our on/off period. I.e. I found out that some of the dates didn't match up to things he had told me. During the time we weren't properly together there was a period of about three/four weeks when he randomly went really weird and ignored my texts and calls. I assumed he was just trying to get rid of me but when I got angry he told me he had just got back from holiday in America and made me feel guilty for jumping to conclusions. However I found out (now) that he wasn't actually on holiday during that time but had in fact gone to America several months earlier and hadn't told me about it.I dont understand firstly why he would not have mentioned his going on holiday to me in the first place he didnt go away with another girl or anything so i dont see why he would intentionally not mention it to me. And during the time he was actually on holiday he had told me he was ill with tonsillitis and that was why he could not see me for a week. Secondly I do not understand why the real reason he ignored me for the time he pretended to be away is. If he was trying to disappear on me I don't understand why he bothered coming back into my life at all, and especially why he had the cheek to get angry with me for jumping to conclusions and sending him an angry message asking why he was ignoring me. I also found out he went on holiday again for a few days (this was several months earlier) and although i have never asked him about it so he has not lied directly to me, he deliebrately did not mention this holiday to me either. I know we were not properly togetgher during this year but I still feel angry that he felt the need to deliberately whithold certain information from me, and also it makes me wonder what excuse he had for suddenly deciding to ignore me for weeks on end. I am scared to confront him without looking like a crazy stalker. Also, in the past 6 months he has been lovely and caring, so I feel like I should not be complaining about something that he did when we were not properly together.But do I have the right to be annoyed that he lied to me? Any advice would be great, thanks!x
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2012): Of course you have a right to be upset about it. You might even have a right to confront him and tell him that his lying makes it hard to trust him at the moment.
But...you don't have a right to expect honesty from someone you're not in a committed relationship with or "on a break" with or pretend that your expectations of the present relationship now extended backward to that time.
You also have the right to make a judgement on his behavior; he seems to be a guy who lies to women to keep them at an arm's distance until he feel he needs them or they are convenient for him. You have a right to your feelings, but I think your decision making based on these feelings are more important. Choose well and good luck.
A
male
reader, Crabman  +, writes (6 January 2012):
 hi , excuse me if Im abit blunt
Id put money on it that he was kinda seeing someone else during those holidays, hence the "fudging" of dates,
if you "were not properly together" then ~NO~ I dont think you are entitled to know everything, he just passed the time in your absence
Withholding info is just to spare YOUR feelings
if you want to continue, casually say
" Im glad we can now be together fully, are you happy to have a monogamous relationship ?"
forget that time and make the most of now
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A
female
reader, Waves +, writes (6 January 2012):
 it sounds like he needed some space and maybe wanted to think about a few issues.
Yes you do have a right to be upset. It is a betrayal of trust in the relationship.
Trust though is central to any relationship and he clearly did not fully trust you at that point.
Now it seems he is back being lovely to you. However without directly confronting this issue perhaps you could work out how to introduce the concept of "Trust" in a non-threatening way and discuss what trust means to him and to you.
If he wants a longer term relationship with you then the trust issue will need to be resolved. At some time in the future otherwise it will erode away at your relationship and that is not good.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (6 January 2012):
 Yes you do have the right to be annoyed that he lied to you. But at the end of the day as you said you where both not together so what he done with his life back then really was none of your business. Off course him lying to you is going to put some doubt in your head though, and I do not blame you. The only way you are going to get the answer to this though is to ask him straight out. If you do not want to do this well then you need to be prepared to totally forget about it and move forward with the relationship and not worry about the past.
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