A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've recently found out that the guy who I was seeing is actually married and has been seeing a whole host of other girls as well as myself. I'm finding it really hard to cope with. I haven't exactly told him I've found out, but have cut all contact with him and am ignoring him. But I'm finding it difficult. Before I knew the truth, I was having an amazing time. The sex was great. We had a lot of fun. And there was a friendship there with genuine laughter. He made me feel like a woman, made me feel sexy and made we feel wanted. He spoiled me, we went shopping together in all the top stores - it was wonderful. I felt special. I know now it was all a massive lie, but with that aside, it was a very happy lie. And although I am now trying to get as far away from him as possible - I am ifnding it very hard to accept it was a lie. It's very hard to just stop liking someone and to stop taking to them. Part of me is angry to the point of wanting to take revenge - throw wine in his face, humiluate him the way he has humiluated me, but then another part of me wants to be the bigger person and just tell him to never come anywhere near me again. But whilst I am divided on these two ideas, I am also strugglnig with the fact i was starting to like the guy, and I was starting to develop feelings - I'm finding it hard to stop caring. Despite everything, I am constantly thinking about him, remembering all the little things we did together, the lovely things he said to me etc. The guy is an asshole, I know that. He is a liar and a cheat. He knew i had hang ups about being used for sex and yet he still did it. He knew I had issues with trust, and he still lied to me. I am geuinally in shock as to how far he went to have sex with me and I am starting to be repulsed by him. But I want to move on and really need some help on how i go about that. I am completely stunned and completely numb from the whole thing. It's as if everything has just turned out to be fake, but somehow I just can't stop caring about him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2008): This man probably has antisocial personality disorder another word for sociopath. He is charming and glib and he can easily feign emotions but doesn't really feel them. He has no empathy for the pain of others and is narcissistic to the core....this guy sounds like he could even be dangerous to me...what a callous guy.
Thank your lucky stars that you found out the truth sooner than later and the fact that you still care for him shows that you are a decent human being capable of real and deep emotions, where he is not. The sad thing is that you can't really prevent yourself from falling for a sociopath or really see them coming and they are in our daily lives, not behind prison bars because a lot of them are not commiting crimes except those of the heart.
Please know that the intensity of your emotions is masking what is reality, so don't confuse the two....he is what he is, you need to accept that about 10% of all people are mentally ill in some way, and next time be a little less trusting and make someone earn your trust. The sociopath counts on the fact that most healthy human beings can forgive and forget, so don't let him hurt you again by forgetting, you can forgive for yourself, which is the work you need to do now to move on with your life.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2008): Vow, what a creep!
I have empathy with, and know it is not easy dealing with all these mixed emotions.
I fully agree with what Tisha said, and yes, be kind to yourself.
I want to add this: Sometimes things happen to us in life and we don't always understand why; you are now so much wiser from this experience, someday you might be able to help others, yeah even warn them against guys like this!
Be strong, it does get better!
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A
female
reader, dearkelja  +, writes (20 June 2008):
 He has all the makings of a preditor. He knew your weakness and that in itself was an attraction for this cheating liar. Follow Tisha1's advice and try to find the silver lining in this very hurtful experience you are going through. Remember he not only betrayed you but he did a number on the other women AND his wife. Be glad you are not in her shoes.
Eventually these feelings of repulsion will overwhelm the caring feelings you have for him, and they should. Repulsion is for the man he is; caring is for the man you thought he was.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (20 June 2008):
 What a jerk, a liar and a cheater and a user! I'm sorry that you have to go through this pain while he gads on through life.
I'm not sure if this will help, but I want to suggest to you that your feelings are genuine and real and should be honored and cherished. It's just that your feelings are for the fake him, not the real him. So I don't blame you in the slightest for still having these feelings, it's just that they are for the fantasy man that he presented. They have nothing to do with the real man who was willing to lie to get what he wanted.
Think of him as a Jekyll and Hyde character. Separate those in your mind.
The good news is that you did find out, so now you can cut off contact and eliminate the liar and cheat from your life. The bad news is that it's like a really nasty break up, and you're going to go through all the stages of mourning the loss of a relationship. They cannot be rushed, these stages, you will just have to experience them.
But you've already made a start, a good one, and you've learned a life lesson, an ugly one, but one that will help you later when you do meet a good, decent guy, and when you encounter the user type again. And you will.
So make a spa appointment or do something that makes you feel good about yourself. Punch the stuffing out of a pillow, scream at the top of your lungs and let it rip! Get yourself out there with your friends and family and let them console you too. Girlfriends can be a huge help in these kinds of situations. If you have any pictures of him, tear them into little shreds and flush them down the toilet, or figure out another creative way of disposing of them.
And forgive yourself for this, it was not your fault. It's going to take a little bit of time, but you will be fine.
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A
female
reader, bammy  +, writes (20 June 2008):
 hi there, sounds like you're in shock & I don't blame you one bit. Is very hard on you right now & you probably feel like you'll never get over him but the worst thing you could do is take him back he's a liar,a cheat, a love rat you're way too good for that honey so you are doing the right thing by ignoring him. If you do however decide to make amends with him you wont be doing yourself any favours because if he hurts you & lies to you once he will do it again & its only you that will end up hurting.. There's plenty of guys out there who will treat you with respect & make you feel special & you deserve that. all I can say to you is give yourself some time. right now you can't get him out of your head but that will fade with time & in a couple of weeks from now you'll be wondering what you even saw in him. best of luck, keep me posted on how you're doing Bammy x
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2008): well yea the does sound hard to get over. all the nice things...but he used you, he lied to you. you shouldnt be caring about a person that has done that to you. maybe you should seek some professional help. surround yourself with family and friends that you can trust. try to keep him off your mind. make sure he stays away though.
Good luck to you..
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