A
female
age
51-59,
*ips1
writes:Hi all, My husaband recently got back from a business trip in china. I know it sounds untrusting but I checked his phone and to my horror there was text to one of his sports friends it went something like this, Hi mate, can't play squash, still in the land of the yellow skined ladies, eating a lot drinking a lot and fucking a lot, so v busy c u wen i get back. I went crazy crying etc, went to leave, he begged me to stay, claims it's all banter, and he would never do any thing to hurt me. But there was other texts, 1 to his brother, whilst he was in china he wanted to fly to thialand to meet his brother who always boasts about his thia ladies etc. He say's that he only wanted to see his brother and that he didnt go because it was too expensive. I don't feel the same any more, but we have 2 kids, he now wants to take me to china as he would like us all to live there. I don't feel quite the same as I feel I don't know what has gone on in china, he goes once year, and I stay here. I just want to move forward but I feel paranoid he has cheated what should I do ???? please it's been weeks of thinking... no solution. cheers lips1
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female
reader, countrygirlWV  +, writes (20 June 2008):
 That right there finden txts like that this may hurt and some may disagree but when it comes to that I don't think so. I'd b taken my best friend... Called a shot gun and tellen him to leave. I know its painfull and u have two kids but its not good for them to b around it neway. That's just my opinion. Then again u never know.
A
female
reader, Artistry +, writes (20 June 2008):
 Hi, I think this really goes back to, why you checked his messages in the first place. Something else has gone on to make you doubt his faithfulness. You have the answer to that. He said "eating a lot, drinking a lot and f.....g a lot", now he could have said clubing a lot. He didn't, he said what he said, why, because I think he was telling the truth.
So at worse, he a cheater, at best he's a liar. So now what,
I certainly would not move to China, what would that prove, men can cheat around the corner from where they live or not, I think that was a diversion to get your mind off of the subject. Moving to China may or may not get him nearer to his possible mistress. What is your plan, for you must stop, think and, make a plan. Do you stay with him and hope that he stops cheating if he is, do you stay and try to regain your trust in him. You need to have a long talk with your husband, the issues you had with your trust in him, before you found the message, needs to be discussed. The message if true, has to be dealt with, if he has been cheating, it is probably not limited to China. You may need a marriage counselor. If you feel your marriage is worth saving, then begin to figure out what you are going to do. Moving to China would not be on my list of priorities. Men
mostly cheat, if they are cheating, for sex, he may or may
not need a therapist. He needs to figure out why he cheats on you, is he is, to determine, what can be done about it.
There is a recent President who has this problem. though I'm
sure he does not think he has a problem. It is whether or not, you feel the marriage can be strenghtened, the ball is in your court now, if he continues this behavior and you find out about it, then your self-respect will be challenged. There are no easy answers here. When you searched his texted messages, you started a chain of events, that you must now deal with. You might also want to get yourself tested for various things that can result, from
having unprotected sex, if you did, with your husband, who is possibly indulging. I have a girlfriend who will only have sex with her husband, if he wears a condom, they have been married for some 30 years, you never know. So good
luck to you with your situation. Take care.
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A
female
reader, LilzDon'tKnow +, writes (20 June 2008):
 Fisrt off you have to trust his word until you have more evidence. Trusting is one of the most important parts of a relationship. If you can't trust him you can't exactly ask the same in return (Now this has evidence I'm aware but you still need to give him your trust he IS your husband after all.)
Secondly I would advise that you do actually go on this trip to china. If you truely believe that he is cheating on you china would only prove you point or disaprove it and make you feel as you once did.
Thirdly for you not feeling the same when you go to china, you are giving him the opportunity to prove himself again. Why you fell in love with him in the first place. And if you find he is cheating on you then you will know he can't bee trusted the same way and shouldn't move there. Divorce is your option I'm not at liberty to say if you should follow up with a divorce or not. That itself is your choice and yours alone.
Lastly about the kids moving to china would make a HUGE impact on thier lives and takes serious consideration.
~Hope This Helps~
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2008): Your husband has told his buddy that he has cheated on you, either with multiple women or with one woman repeatedly. At worst, it's true (in which case he could have any number of diseases, which he may have since infected you with). At best, he's lying about having cheated on you - a lot - in order to what? Brag? Show how clever he is for getting away with it and how stupid you are? In either case, he is playing you for a fool. I wouldn't want to be with a man who is so lacking integrity in himself and respect for me and our marriage as to have carried out either scenario.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2008): "I don't feel the same any more, but we have 2 kids, he now wants to take me to china as he would like us all to live there."
It's unlikely your husband would take you to China if he had something to hide. However it dosen't sound like you have any trust in him or your marriage. Men often make untastefull jokes and often there is nothing to it. But you looked at his phone before you had the evidence, you must have had trust issues before. What made you suspicious, when did you start to think that he might have been unfaithfull?
Apart from what he says in these texts do you have any other evidence to suggest that he may be cheating on you. Have you fallen out of love with him, do you want to leave your marriage. It would be nice to have further information so we might provide you with better advice and a possible solution to your problems.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2008): I have empathy with you. The thoughts, the doubt, the confusion, not to mention all the emotions.
I suggest, you relax, take a deep breath and calm down.
I don't think you should worry too much about this, guys have a way of talking like that to each other;
I honestly think if he had anything to hide he would have cleared his messages.
Yes, I understand you being upset, and yes, it not nice reading something like that, but if your husband has never given you any reason to not trust him in the past, I suggest you trust and believe him; give him the benefit of the doubt.
I also suggest, you do have a talk to him; tell him how much this has hurt you and upset you. Talk to him in a calm manner do not get upset, he needs to understand and know how you feel.
I do believe you should put this behind you, stop thinking about it. (Do not let a joke ruin your marriage)!
Come on....give me a big SMILE!
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A
female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (20 June 2008):
 This is a trust issue and he definatly has done something to destroy your trust. You will need to work past this issue of what went on in China, with him. In this case, the evidence seems to point that at a minimum he seems cavalier about sexual transgressions and the marriage committment at least on the surface seems meaningless, banter or not. He is portryaing a man who would betray his wife. Work with him past this issues if you can.
Him asking you to uproot your family to move to China at this times seems inappropriate as there is a marriage hanging by a thread. Your security is threatened because if you uproot your family and move to China and you decide these things did happen now you are miles away in another country with no life to fall back on.
I really think you need to sort out your marriage and get it on solid footing before you move away. I see no security for you in that move and really your security is threatened by that one text here at home.
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A
male
reader, wildman +, writes (20 June 2008):
 It could be harmless, maybe just a few strip clubs or something. Wouldn't he be afraid of catching something if he really got involved sexually with someone, I know I would. I think he may of wanted to brag to his friends.
Has he done anything else to make you feel he has cheated while at home? You may be overreacting worth more investigation don't you think? Has he been a good person besides this? I would not want to live in China either, polution plus. good luck with you problem
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A
male
reader, Dr Vendetta +, writes (20 June 2008):
 so, lets say it is banter.ie : " Eating alot, drinking alot and fucking alot even though you're probably aware i'm married".. yeah .. personally for me in business that would give me good reason not to trust them. however lets be honest its not unheard of when it comes to business and office politicts.i'm going to ask you a question. and i don't want to know your answer because it doesn't mean anyhting to me. i already know your answer even before i've asked the question.China eh? thats quite the move. i believe a vacation would be best as you may hate it there.my mum left my father after 25 years. with kids in tow.and finally, my question.Do you trust him?love has nothing to do with trust.i love many people, i trust very few of them.i don't believe there is a way for him to prove his innocence. but it sounds like you will forever be watching your back and looking over your shoulder.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2008): to be honest give your marriage a chance at recovering,as i know that when guys txt stuff like that its pure bull,they just like to think they are still one of the boys
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