A
male
age
41-50,
*alid
writes:My fiance and I have been together about 1.5 years. We just recently got engaged and everything was fine. We had talked alot prior to the engagment and she had told me thats def. what she wanted. But soon after our engagment she started acting weird. I would beg her to tell me what was wrong but she resisted. After some building suspision that she had feelings for someone else I approached her about it and she confirmed that she had feelings for another guy she had gone on two dates with before her and I got together. She told me that I had done nothing wrong and it was just something going on in her head. We had a huge fight which eventually turned into a looong conversation about where we see ourselves going. She admitted that she didnt want to throw US away for a crush but she also said its always going to be her "what if?" This all happened within the past week and we have had other conversations since. She told me that she wants to work on us...but when I asked her if should would continue to talk with this guy (via email, text, and phone conversation) she said...yes...that he is still a friend. She also told me that she told this other guy about everything and he felt bad as though he was ruining our engagment and her answer to him was "dont feel bad its not you thats doing it...its me."I have done everything for this girl....from being there emotionally to helping her with money. Her car was stolen I got a new one and gave her my old one. She cant afford her medicine one week....I buy it for her. I'm just always there for her. So to make a long question shorter....what do you think is going on here? Its like I see the writing on the walls but if we can make it work...I want it to work. Can it or am I kidding myself? And why would she constantly bring up becoming enagaed to me and then pull this?!?!Not trying to sound cocky but I am a great guy, caring, great job, and I have a lot to offer but confidence is something I lack. Before her I was alone for 4 years and in all truth I don't want to be alone again...quite frankly it scares me. I am 27 now and I feel like all the good girls are quickly becoming taken. I just need third party advice. This is probably the biggest thing....I recently found out through different networks of people she did this same thing to her ex....(why am I so stupid!!!)Thanks ahead of time.....
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confidence, crush, engaged, fiance, her ex, money, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2007): If it wasn't for the fact that she is continuing to maintain contact with this guy I would say its probably marriage nerves . However her "relationship" with this guy will always get in the way, it appears she has commitment issues ( these are not solely related to men! )and really the only option for you is to get the hell out of this relationship. Her apparent history of this behaviour is worrying to say the least.
You're only 27 dude, seriously you've got plenty of time. This shouldnt be an issue for you.
A
female
reader, penta +, writes (4 October 2007):
 Break off the engagement.
At the very least, you should both be dating other people in addition to each other. She's obviously not ready to commit to you, and so an engagement is premature. The ground rules for dating other people should be that everyone knows that there's someone else (so she has to be honest with everyone she's dating).
This will give her the opportunity to get over her "what if" by checking it out. And it will give you the opportunity to see if there's someone else out there for you, too.
If you're not open to the idea of dating other people, or even if she doesn't like the idea, you should still break off the engagement. She's not ready. And you deserve better.
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A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (3 October 2007):
 Dude...RUN.
A man deserves to have a wife that sees him as number one in her life. If she is questioning it at all, break it off and find someone else.
-Frank B Kermit
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A
male
reader, Iguana  +, writes (3 October 2007):
Don't worry about it. She's just said yes to your marriage proposal and that doesn't strike me as a thing to do if you're unsure if you want to be with someone. Obviously, marriage is the ultimate expression of love so by agreeing to be your wife your fiancee deeply loves you. That said, she may just be intimidated by the prospect of spending the rest of her life with one partner and all this with this other guy is just her way of cleansing her system.
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A
male
reader, mortimer +, writes (3 October 2007):
 WHOA!!! That's a hard situation to be in. The part that really gets me is the other guy trying to stay out of this now that you two are engaged and her telling him no! That would piss me off to no end!!! I think that as hard as it might sound you should call of the engagement untill she figures things out. Trust me if you're really as bad in the confidence dept. as you say you are this is the only way to re-assert yourself. If you don't and you simply talk this out continuing the engagement you'll look like a loser. Nobody should have to go through their fiance dating or even acting interested in somebody else. Also, the fact that she's telling you this is a clear red flag. She wants you to know she has doubts about this and brother let me tell you if she has doubts you should have doubts. This will be the hardest thing you've ever done but trust me telling her to go figure this out by herself is the only way. If you're living together I would move out. If not stop seeing her as often and only respond when she calls you at least once or twice b4 calling her back. Like I said this is going to be difficult but you MUST DO THIS! If it's meant to be she'll come arround. Furthermore once she does realize what a mistake this is you'll be on much better ground for the marriage to continue with you having some control in the relationship. My feeling is that you've got her love for you on your side and this other guy is nothing more than an interest who's probablly also seeing somebody else. Good luck and god bless.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2007): sounds like shes having her cake and eating it too. it may be just a crush or infatuation. but if she wanted to be with him then she would right. why was it just a couple of dates and not a long term relationship. it hard to make a decision on what to do, wait it out or end it. she needs to make up her mind and very soon. she should not be allowed to play with someones feelings and emotions. and why now all of a sudden is she feeling or acting weird. did he just pop back into her life recently, and if she doesnt want to have these feelings for him then she should remove herself from the situation asap, u know to get over him. and does she want u top be the what if in her life if she chooses him. really right now, cancel the engagment, take back the ring and hang on to it until she can decide what path she wants to take. the two of u just may need sometime to rethink what u want in life, without pushing a wedding on her. as for being 27, its not like ur 37. and if ur really a great caring loving guy, there a lot of women out there asking themselves why they cant find a guy like u. ur not going to end up alone. and u really shouldnt just settle for someone. u need to be happy and make ur partner happy.
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