A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Dear all,My boyfriend and I broke up in May. We were very much in love, but it was a first real relationship for both of us and was long distance. On top of that, both of us are very conflict-avoidant and dated for a year with the assumption we would be together, it was never stated explicitly and was very ambiguous since neither of us wanted to rock the boat. We are pretty shy and suck at communicating. So I think that all of this finally got to him and we broke up. In the breakup, he didn't do my right at all. He has treated me worse than any guy I have dated. And I didnt do him right either, b/c I didn't listen to him, I was very hurt and upset and just lashed out and wouldn't leave him alone. It was a BAD breakup. Now I think he's out screwing 19 year olds or doing who knows what, but no matter how cool and indifferent he may be, I'm sure he's bothered by it as well. Since then I've calmed down, got over it, stopped being angry, reflected, dated other guys, and I think have just become so much more mature and better equipped at handing a relationship. I'm actually shocked at how much I've grown up in the past couple of months. And even though he treated me like complete crap in the end, I still have feelings for him. And being this new person that I am, I would like to give it another shot. In fact, I believe that we can have a stronger relationship now AFTER all this happened, then if it never happened at all. BUT I have no idea what he wants, if he feels the same way, if I should get in contact with him and what I should say and how and if even enough time has passed. On the one hand, I do want to give it another shot but I also dont want to be annoying and bothering him if he's happy with his life now. I have no idea if he is. Has anybody been in a similar situation? Can give me any advice?Despite being
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe never cheated on me when we were together, him screwing around came after we broke up, probably as a way of dealing with whatever happened between us.
I dont think that I define ambiguity well in my post. We were both very shy -- meaning that what I wanted to say was "I love you," what I said was nothing, what he wanted to ask was "do you love me" and what he asked was... nothing. So we went on for months and months knowing that we felt very strongly about each other, but never explicitly being sure of them or what we want from each other. The spoken intention was that both of us would get married -- it was thrown around as a joke to test the waters, but never explicitly stated, which is why the break up was so difficult. Thats what I mean by ambiguity. Add long distance and poor communication to that and its pretty ambiguous.
The long-distance is for right now, not for ever.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2008): I was actually in a pretty similar situation last year. I had dated my boyfriend since we were sophmores in high school and we were together for four years. During the end of our relationship, he treated me like crap-just as your boyfriend did. I tried pushing to see what was going on and wouldn't leave him alone. I was his first girlfriend ever and he was my first serious boyfriend. There was VERY poor communication between us and he would rather ignore a problem than confront it.
So I offer this advice to you from my similar experiences. Move on. Seriously. It's great that you have grown up. Take your experience and find somebody better...who won't treat you like crap because ultimately, whether or not you were at the end of your relationship, if he had genuine feelings for you, he would not have done such. Actually, my ex and I DID give it another shot and instead of making us stronger, it made the relationship worse. Because of how terrible things were in the end originally, it became too difficult to truly accept one another. That, and I think part of the problem was that I grew up...he didn't. You don't know if your ex has grown as much as you have and like I said, if he treated you like crap at any point, it's a sure sign that he doesn't have as strong of feelings for you and you'd both end up unhappy. Not only that, but even if he didn't have strong feelings, its no excuse to treat you poorly and shows that he has poor character and is disrespectful. You're going to be a little slow to lose feelings for him since its your first real relationship, but like I said-use the experience for someone who will treat you better.
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A
female
reader, Curiousbynature +, writes (29 July 2008):
Just ask him if he is still into you?? Clearly you are otherwise you wouldnt even be thinking about him. I havent dated one of my x's in 4 years and I still think about him. It is just one of the things we do. We think about our past. So its normal not to forget them. I would say try it and if he is not into it then you know its over for good. But if he is into it, then he probably has felt the way you have the whole time. Good luck
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