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female
,
anonymous
writes: I had a really horrible childhood, my mum and dad split when I was little and he has barely been in my life, when he did arrange to see me and my sisters he would always let us down, my mum then went through 2abusive relationships and got into a lot of debt.I have never discussed the affect this had on me with anyone until 4years ago when i met my partner, I trust him and love him so much that I felt i could share it with him. 2years ago he joined the army, i didnt want him to but i accepted it because it was what he wanted to do and he said that it would only be for four years, but now he is saying he doesnt think he will leave after 4years.My actual dilema is that recently we have been talking about moving in together, the thing is he is 3hours away and I dont want to move there because i have a good job and dont want to leave my friends and family. He is refusing to get a place here becasue he will only be able to live in it at weekends, it is very unlikely that he will ever be stationed near me so how are we ever going to move in together. Also when i have children i want to give them the best start in life that i can. I have already learnt how unreliable the army is and how quickly things change and when i have children i dont want to see them feeling the way i did when my dad wasnt around for months at a time and when he didnt turn up when he was meant to! I know someone whose dad was in the army and then he joined up, in a general conversation once he said that he got bought up following his dad around the world and would only have children when he left.
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female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (14 February 2008):
 There are many army personnels who are weekend husbands . They love their families and allow their wives to dictate where they want to stay.
From a relationship standpoint , it would be better that the wife stays near her friends and relatives as they could get support from their parents and friends.
It would be insensitive to uproot the family just to be with the army garrison. He could be transfered all over the country or send overseas and moving would disrupt their life.
His career in the army is more important than your needs. I am afraid you will have to decide soon whether you think you are still compatible to each other.
A
male
reader, rcn  +, writes (14 February 2008):
 Let's look at the real issue here. It's not about your boyfriend and weather or not you live together right now. It's about fear. You are really afraid of what will happen in this relationship,and I don't think just this one, you fear the results of any relationship, based on your experiences growing up.
You're making these plans to have children, and with them not being here yet, all ready thinking the worse regarding their experience growing up. You don't want them to be hurt like you have been, which is understandable.
You do understand that your past doesn't mean you need to repeat what happened to you in raising your children. You're now in the drivers seat and can determine which direction your life goes, and how to raise your children. You know, kids are not born holding an instruction booklet. I've learned so much raising my children as I go, but that doesn't mean their being raised wrong. No one is a perfect parent. As long as you live your life in trying to do whats best for your children, you'll be a wonderful parent.
I really think, before moving in with him, you need to deal with some of these issues from the past. Just as you do, both of you deserve to live this relationship as a unique couple, and not base your success on past events. Design your future, and grow in the direction you choose.
Take care.
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