A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My partner and I are in our late twenties and our relationship is perfect except one thing .. the absence of a child.We both desperately want to start a family, he wants nothing more to be a father and we would start trying immediately if it wasnt for the fact that I am absolutely petrified of carrying a child.I used to freak out when my sister made me touch her bump and i could feel my nephew kicking so what if i feel the same when Im pregnant but I wont be able to avoid feeling it?I've watched birthing programs and been in the labour ward with my sister and watching other women go through it literally sends me into a panic when i think about myself going through it.Even the thought of having reguarl blood tests and possibly a catheter inserted sends me into a panic attack - im petrified of needles and faint every time i have a blood test.i know many women say they are scared of labour but I cant express how utterly and completely petrified of the thought I am, it brings me to tears just at the thought of doing it - I know i am going to end up having panic attacks and fainting throughout the pregnancy.How am i ever going to have a child when i feel like this? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2013): I am the original poster of the question.
Id like to say thank you to the people that gave me advice. I know it is a genuine phobia and I think I will go to the doctors for help before we start trying for a family. I want to make sure I can deal with it before we try.
and as for the people who said I should be married before I have a child.. Firstly not everyone has to get a piece of paper and a ring in order to provide a loving and stable home for a child. And secondly I am actually married, I just referred to my husband as my partner
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2013): I gave birth 3 weeks ago to my first child, and I was also scared about carrying a child but I have to say it is an amazing experience! :)
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2013): "How am i ever going to have a child when i feel like this?"You're not, nor should you.If you are going to pieces at the prospect of the physical demands of pregnancy, labor and delivery, then you are likely incapable of coping with the emotional demands of parenthood without similarly falling apart.If you are so desperate to start a family, then why don't you begin by making a relative out of the legal stranger with whom you are shacking up by getting married to him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2013): My sister had exactly the same thing, in fact when she eventually got pregnant she went to discuss abortions with a doctor as she felt she just wouldn't be able to do it, especially the labour. It's not just 'too posh to push', it's actually a genuine phobia so don't feel like you're in the wrong to feel this way. My sister also lives in the UK, and she went to her GP, was introduced to a counsellor and eventually was given a Caesarean as they realised it was a phobia. You could try that before you even get pregnant if it puts your mind at ease? Also, as I'm sure you know the NHS has different rules in different areas/PCTs, but you can research online for your area, as I know some areas completely give women the choice of natural birth or caesarean. Other than that, why don't you read some pregnancy books, talk to some pregnant women? I recently read an article about Hypno-birthing (sounds like a bit of crock if you ask me) though it did have an interesting point, that often people build pregnancy and birth up to be this horrible and unpleasant period of a woman's life where she is just some invalid freak, but in reality with the right support, advice and attitude it can be just a natural, healthy, positive and normal experience, so you could try taking small steps to make your attitude a more positive one?All the best
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2013): While others are trying to give you peace of mind, I won't be!
If you're not ready to go through pregnancy and birth, you're not. As simple as that.
I remember my wife turned her pregnancy into a living hell for everyone. She got needy, moody, fragile and everything. Her mom and sister ran away and left her for me to handle. Even her gynecologist was fed up with her crap.
Do everyone a favor and don't get pregnant until you are ready. If your husband is pressuring you, send him to me and I'll have a chat with him.
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A
female
reader, Got Issues +, writes (15 June 2013):
 I remember reading an article a while ago about a woman with tocophobia, a phobia of being pregnant and giving birth, which is every bit as real as any other phobia. It was very sad because she ended up aborting a much-longed-for baby because she couldn't go through with pregnancy.
Of course you know that your feelings are irrational, as is any phobia, but knowing this doesn't make the feelings go away or help you face them.
You both really want children so there are a few ways you can have them, even if you are unable to go through with pregnancy.
If you want to have a child that is biologically yours and your partner's then the first step should be to see a professional with experience and success in this area. You might have suffered some trauma related to pregnancy and/or childbirth, and a professional counsellor might be able to help you pinpoint it and work through your fears. You could try hypnotherapy. I'm a little bit skeptical about it but I know people who've tried it for addictions and phobias and they claim it's successful.
You could also look into surrogacy, which is costly but means that the child would still inherit both your genes.
Finally, adoption would eliminate the need for any poking and prodding, although it can be a very lengthy and costly process and the adoption agencies would instead be poking and prodding your lives.
In any case, you should begin to take steps as soon as you can so that you don't end up regretting never having had children or resenting your younger self when it is too late.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek  +, writes (15 June 2013):
 I don't know if I can ease your fears, but I'll try. I have had 2 children. My youngest child is now 25. I am a Virgo, and if you know/believe anything about star signs you might know that Virgo people have a tendency to be hypochondriacs. I am no exception. I worry about every little thing in my body. I was 19 the first time I got pregnant. I was horrified! It wasn't planned and I was so very scared. I was just like you. I had no idea how I was going to be able to go through with a pregnancy and listening to other women talk and watching films of child birth didn't help me at all, just made me more scared.
I can tell you that one of the best things you can do for yourself is to have a good doctor and talk to them. Go into your family history, know all about your body, do you have anything to be worried about health wise? For me, I am very small not even 5 feet tall and that was a big concern for me since my mother had extremely difficult births for my sister and I. The doctor got rid of that fear immediately saying "You got great hips baby.."..and said I should easily be able to have a child with no problems in the delivery room. I told him all my fears and concerns, and we talked through everything. I called the doctors office alot that first pregnancy, I admit, but they were very understanding and helpful and made me feel alot calmer about everything.
Other than morning sickness, most pregnancies are slow, gradual and you have time to adjust to them. You normally don't feel the baby fluttering/kicking right away and when it first happens, its such a little light kind of touch, its not weird or anything, but very very exciting. As you get further along in the pregnancy, yes the baby starts kicking harder, but I have a feeling you will be very excited about it and not be filled with dread!
As for blood tests and catheters, yes...I understand your concerns. I fainted the first time I had blood drawn..they had to wake me up with smelling salts! I learned very quickly..NEVER look at them when drawing blood..look away and keep talking..LOL. At first you normally see the doctor once a month for examinations, you can handle that can't you? Have someone you love and trust go with you! You'll get through it.
As for the birth..well, yes, its kind of scary. But so very exciting too! And remember, if you are healthy, the odds are very much in your favor that everything will run along just fine, I promise. My 2nd delivery, I was so stressed out that I thought I was having a heart attack (at 25??) I was just so scared and worried about everything but the nurses gave me something to help me sleep a little till the contractions got really strong and the nurses were constantly there with me telling me what was going on ect... and then I was too busy trying to get that baby out to worry about all the weird stuff people were doing to me, ect..
It all turned out just fine and now I have 2 beautiful grown children. I know you are scared, but the best thing you can do is talk to a kind, understanding gynecologist and ask lots of questions and be informed. I truly wouldn't suggest watching too many "birth movies"..they tend to freak out just about anyone..they sound so scary. The doctors and nurses are trained for anything/everything and they know what they are doing, you have to believe that.
I think you are freaking yourself out but if/when you would become pregnant, I think you would find out that its not nearly as scary and you might think. I wish you all the best! If I can survive having 2 children, I'm sure you can do it too sweetie!
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A
female
reader, shrodingerscat +, writes (15 June 2013):
 How about adoption?
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (15 June 2013):
 If you're too chicken to start and carry a child... then reconcile that to yourself - and your boyfriend/prospective husband/father - and go on with your life... childless and regretting that you never had the guts to do what you really wanted (to do)...
Who knows, you may hit a lottery, some day, and finish up your life in opulance - a beautiful estate, with butlers and maids, and an exotic luxury car/with driver..... AND SIXTEEN CATS!!!!!
C'mon... give this some REAL thought and imagine what the human condition would be if EVERY woman who ever had your misgivings acted upon them as I've taunted....
Good luck...
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