A
female
age
41-50,
*ISSTRESS
writes:I started seeing a guy who was already involved with someone about a few years back. So far, He lives with her and secretly comes over to my place. Lately I feel a built guilty and worried she may find out if this persists. We have been able to secretly pull this off on certain days and times when he can sneak to see me but I wonder how much longer we can get away with this. I want to end it. What do you think? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (31 August 2009):
 Affairs are difficult. You didn't say whether he was married or not. You implied he was living with this woman.
I don't know what his endgame is here. There are usually 2 kinds of affairs. Ones that are in fact meaningful and significant, and others that are meritless and sex-based.
The fact that you want to end it because of guilt, makes me question whether its sex-based or not. I think its meaningful and significant but you also don't want to sneak around.
Ask yourself this. If he were single, would you take him on as your life-partner? If yes, then ending without any possibility of happiness is not good.
The issue is whether he wants you for you, or just sex. So you have to address it with him. In other words, before you decide anything, you have to ask him what his true feelings are towards you.
I am not in favor of ending relationships of any kind unless dire consequences arise. But I do have to say, you went into this with your eyes wide-open. So before doing anything rash (you already did that by hooking up), try and see what his intentions are first.
If he's looking at you as a FWB, rather than as a mate and partner for life so to speak, then its probably best to dump him and move on. If he has genuine feelings for you, then I would suggest that you find out what his long-term plans are first.
Make a reasoned and informed decision. As for the others, they will judge you harshly because you had an affair with someone. But to me, people have affairs for many reasons and so there is no blanket rule here. Just try and find out the causes and effects and you may determine for yourself what the future brings.
We define our circumstances, we do not let them rule us. Therefore, find out as much as you can, honestly. Then you can decide for yourself.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2009): aptly named, MISTRESS. i am not going to get self righteous with you, you know that you mean absolutely NOTHING to this man don't you. you are merely his little f*ck on the sode, a secret and nothing more. why you allow this, only you know. yes the forbidden is exciting, the sex "great" but when everything is said and done, you feel like NOTHING don't you? you created this deceit and only you can end it, if you really want to. you know what you have to do. have you ever considered anything about your reputation if this affair was revealed?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2009): Guys like that don't care about the mistress or about their spouse. I recently went through something similar and got involved even though it went against my own morals. The guy told me he was in love with me, and like a gullible moron I believed him. When he got caught his wife threw him out and he told me we couldn't be together because he wanted to reconcile with his wife. Try and keep your dignity and get rid of him before both you and his spouse end up being trashed by his selfishness.
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A
female
reader, devastated2008 +, writes (31 August 2009):
 Absolutely, I agree with you, and end it quickly.
Good for you, it takes a lot of strength and courage to do the right thing... sometimes we get wrapped up into the craziest things, we know they're wrong but somehow we convince ourselves its ok.
I don't know if you are beginning to think of her and the incredible hurt that she will suffer when she finds out or if you are thinking of the nuisance it will cause you but either way speaking as a betrayed spouse, I want to thank you on behalf of the unsuspecting partner... Thank you.
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