A
female
age
36-40,
*he_Nameless
writes:Two months ago, I lost my virginity to someone I'd met online. I was completely head over heels in love with him. The day after, he stopped texting or calling me. We were still in communication; it's just that I did all the work to maintain it.Now, we don't talk anymore. Perhaps I slept with him too quickly? We hadn't known each other even three weeks, and I slept with him on our first weekend together.I'm 25, and almost 26. So it's not that I'm really quick to jump in bed with men I just THINK I'm in love with. I was pretty sure I was supposed to be with him for the rest of my life. I've never wanted to be with more than one man sexually in my entire life, and I thought he was it. Do you think sleeping with him made him change his mind about me? Perhaps he really didn't find me attractive? My mother thinks that, as a black woman (and he as a white man), I was just used as a sex object... but that he will seek a REAL relationship with someone his own race. I choose not to believe that, but could that be it?After noticing his slow withdrawal from me, I told him that I felt used. He went off on me, telling me that it really hurt his feelings that I would accuse him of such a thing. He explained that he had been going through some things. So I really felt bad. But ... he never forgave me. Do you think he was TRULY going through something? Or do you think that was just an excuse? Even if he was going through something, why would a man supposedly "in love" give up so easily?I wanted to be with him forever. But I don't think I made that obvious enough to freak him out; I didn't call him all the time, and I didn't text all the time. In fact, when he wanted to hang out with guy friends, I told him he didn't have to call. I never did anything to ... freak him out, I don't think.What do you think went wrong?I'd really appreciate your advice. This is driving me crazy. He won't talk to me, and so I'm left to wonder what happened.
View related questions:
lost my virginity, met online, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, The_Nameless +, writes (27 October 2010):
The_Nameless is verified as being by the original poster of the question That's a good point, k_c. I never thought about how "friendship" could send the wrong message. Thanks for the protip.
Yeah, I think that's what's making this extremely hard to get over - the virginity thing. One thing I really appreciated about myself was that I hadn't lost it yet. To me, that was valuable, because I knew that when I did give it away, the guy must and would be pretty special.
He KNEW how I felt about it and STILL took it, knowing he had no intention to be with me. I don't know how he can get up and look in the mirror. I'd heard about this kind of thing happening, but I never thought it would happen to me just because I had been so careful for close to 26 years.
I do think I am getting a bit better. When I let go of this hope that he'll regret what he did, that he'll call me one day out of the blue and pursue me again, and just realize that I was used, I become resolved that I will move on and forget about him.
I just wished I didn't love him. That would make things easier.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2010): I dont even know if I wanna call this guy a man....im tempted to use something more utterly derogatory cause of the way im fairly certain he treated you as...a sex object. He hit it then quit it and its textbook as Ive known men to do the same. This is very sad and I hate it as he was not up front with you about intention and instead lead you on. Gabrielle is right, chalk this up as an experience and move on. Im sorry you had to lose your virginity in such a sense as I sure you intended it to be special. Move on and get to know someone face to face rather than online as that way you can see nonverbal communication and that is key for when attracting a mate and also tone of voice and facial expressions are good to know too...you can see that online. You need a REAL hands on guy to get to know as you have utmost good intention and frankly online just isnt reliable usually. Best to you on this miss :)
...............................
A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (27 October 2010):
 One big thing to add here - by putting on your profile you were looking for "friendship" that is a great big go ahead to men looking for sex as they think "brilliant, she does not want a serious relationship so she must be up for a bit of fun!"
So NEVER EVER put "looking for friendship" on a dating site as this screams "casual relationship" to men. Whereas if you put on there "looking for a relationship and would like to get married in the future" that will put off 99% of the time wasters and only attract the guys who are serious about a relationship.
I know it feels like right now you are never going to get over him, and it will take a while before you really get over this as you have been hurt badly. Part of you will always feel hurt and will wonder how he could have treated you this way. But I promise, in time you will feel better and will just put this down as "learning the hard way" about relationships.
I sort of know how you feel - I used a dating site for a few months last year, met an amazing guy who was just lovely and seemed really into me. We emailed for a while, then it moved to texts - then we met up. We had a slightly odd evening and I was not sure he liked me, but he text me half an hour after the end of the date and asked me out again. So we ended up dating, having a lovely time together and I really liked him. He went away on holiday for a week and when he came back (after he had been texting me all week) we met up and that is when we slept together. The relationship seemed to be going well for a few weeks after that, then I went back home to visit my parents one weekend, got 1 text from him on the saturday night and then never heard from him again. And the text was a normal text, asking how my weekend was etc....no indication that something was wrong or that it was over!
I was so upset, I had told my family about him, we had been together for nearly 2 months so I could not understand what had happened to make him vanish off the face of the earth! Even to this day, over a year later, it still hurts to think about it because I really liked him. But after 2/3 months I finally felt better about it, I went back on the dating site and eventually met a great guy who I have now moved in with.
So we all have had our bad experiences, yours is worse than most because you lost your virginity to him, but at least you are not alone in your experience and it will get better in time. There are lots of jerks out there and you just need to be careful, but there are lots of great guys out there too so dont give up.
I hope this helps and good luck!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2010): Okay, I think you slept with him too soon too..
I will recommend a book that I found kinda helpful: The Rules (just google it) It's kinda notorious but gives some structure, what to do and what not to do in the initial stages etc.
"I didn't call him all the time, and I didn't text all the time" - Thank god, girl!! :)
There may be another question here: maybe his Mommy didn't like you!!
Or, maybe he felt 'odd' - there was a guy online talking about feeling odd after sleeping with a girl he barely met online.. (?) (That was a few years ago so it couldn't have been you :) (And that was an awkward and shy man, not a 'player', and he preferred to be single and 'still looking' then...)
So, there can be different reasons why he did what he did... Usually men don't think about stuff much though, attraction is 'there' or not..
It's also good to know at least approximately what kind of relationship one wants.. casual/short-term or more long-term.. some sites are better or worse in this regard, and some people may lie.. So his actions speak best...
As a virgin, both men and women can get more attracted to the person they slept with first.. So keep this in mind too.. Some of what you may be feeling can be this 'natural attraction' too..
Hope things get better... ((hugs))
...............................
A
female
reader, The_Nameless +, writes (26 October 2010):
The_Nameless is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI think my guard was down, tennisstar. When I started a profile on the dating website, I had just gotten out of four-year-long emotionally abusive relationship. However, on the dating website, I made clear that I was looking for a friendship. I wasn't exactly looking forward to dealing with yet another hurtful, terrible person.
And ... that's exactly what I got.
I told him how I had been treated in the past. But I guess, while I was talking about my life, he was thinking "EASY LAY."
I'm not all that angry with him. He could only have done what I LET him do. So really ... the fault is mine.
But, even though it's my fault, it's hard to believe that someone could do something so cruel.
I'm a very sheltered girl. I don't drink, don't smoke, only been to one party, a bit shy ... I'm just very sheltered. But I learned a real hard lesson about the real world, and I hate that my heart and body had to be a casualty in acquiring that lesson.
I do okay, and then I have days where I get nothing done for crying, hating myself, and hating my life. I know that's stupid, but ... I really trusted and believed in him. And I loved him. It feels like I'll never get over him or this.
...............................
A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (26 October 2010):
 Look, don't feel bad. Almost all women get used by a man at one point in their life..it happens when our guard is down..And of course there are those snakes that slip through the cracks, making us believe they're this stand up guy. When in all reality they want to get in, get what they want and get out. You were a virgin, for some snakey men that's worth holding out for how ever long it takes to nab your innocence. The dating world can get real nasty out there..when they tell you in a 2 months span of time they love you, and already talk about your future together that's a big red flag waving right there...I question his motives Majority of men wouldn't dare say those 3 words that quit much less think the word commitment. Now I will say I know people who have know each other for 5 weeks and have been married 25 years, and another couple that met and 3 months later got married now for 28 years..but those people are the few exceptions. Just be more aware, but like I said it happens even to the best of us.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2010): I'm sorry you had this experience of being used by a man who is not worthy of you.
I'm going to recommend a useful online book you can get by Christian Carter called "Catch Him and Keep Him". Its all about how to go about forming a stable relationship, one that ultimately leads to commitment by the man, how to understand a man's mind, and how to tell who is not worth pursuing. Just look up the title and author and you can download it into your computer.......also e-harmony is a good dating website to investigate. You do go through a very long "questionnaire" to determine who you're looking for, what you want, what you don't want in a relationship and then they send you matches.
By the way, I seriously doubt if his treatment of you had anything at all to do with race. He's just a user of women.......
...............................
A
female
reader, Gabrielle Stoker +, writes (26 October 2010):
 It really wasn't you - it was him. It's unfortuante but all evidence points to him having taken advantage of you. Chalk it up to experience and you'll know better next time. I really doubt race enetered into it - he'd have done the same to anyone given the chance. Move on. Hard as it may be, move on.
...............................
A
female
reader, The_Nameless +, writes (26 October 2010):
The_Nameless is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes, k_c; it is true. He is back online. I know this because I checked. When we decided to be "exclusive," which apparently was only a plaything for him, we both removed our online profiles.
About a week and a half, he put his page back up - word for word, which means, he never permanently took it down or saves his profile in a Word document (or some other such method of retrieving his page).
Since I saw the page, I've had physical symptoms ... so much so that I sought a doctor's help. I mean, this really hurt me.
And he doesn't care.
I know it was quick. I don't know what I was thinking (except that I was in love). I'm usually not so ... easy. But I was just convinced I wasn't supposed to be with any other man. I feel so stupid.
...............................
A
female
reader, The_Nameless +, writes (26 October 2010):
The_Nameless is verified as being by the original poster of the question@Rescuer:
I take no offense to what your "grow up" bit. He was pretty good; I'd never been treated the way he treated me. He listened to me. He respected his mother (which is a good indication of how he treats women, or so I thought). He took me out. He didn't act ashamed of my race (as my last white ex-boyfriend did). He said his friends wanted to meet me because they noticed how happy he was lately. He "seemed" so heartfelt when he said he loved me and that he was in love with me. He kissed me and told me he loved me throughout my first time. He talked about his future and included me in it. I guess he's just good at what he does...
Of course, less than three weeks was not enough time for me to believe him when he said that he loved me. But ... there was something about him that convinced me he, unlike the others in the past, actually meant what he said and said what he meant.
Even if he NEVER loved me or was in love me, which is obviously the case, why not realize that I, as a human being, have feelings. I suppose, as an object, and not a human being, he couldn't see me as having feelings.
I've just never been so wrong about someone in my life. I've always been a good judge of character. But with him ... I was totally fooled. And this time, I had to lose something valuable before I learned my lesson. That hurts.
How can someone just use someone and not give a damn... I just don't understand. It's so opposite of what he presented himself as. He doesn't even care what he did to me. It's just ... alarming and hurtful. I feel ashamed.
...............................
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (26 October 2010):
 It's the old "wham bam thank you ma'am" hopefully you won't sucker for it again.
...............................
A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (26 October 2010):
Aunt Honesty is right - I'm afraid you were used and there is not a lot more to it. This is very common with online relationships - many people (men and women) use the internet to meet vulnerable people knowing they can say whatever they like to make them fall in love, and then encourage them to meet up, have sex and then disappear.
The problem here was that you had sex with him the first time you met up with him. You had only been talking for 3 weeks, so that is very fast for you to think you are in love with him especially when it is online. This guy saw you coming - attractive girl, virgin, claiming to be in love with him - you were easy prey I'm afraid. He will have known the exact right things to say to you to make you believe he felt the same way, he will have encouraged your deep feelings for him and he will have known the whole time that as soon as you meet up he could get you into bed.
It is nothing to do with race - he would have done the exact same to a white girl, as long as she was easy prey like you. You just fell for the wrong guy, he was never looking for a relationship, he was just after sex. You would have found that out if you had not slept with him that weekend - he would have been annoyed, probably quite pushy and would have kept trying to get you into bed, then if you still had resisted he would not have contacted you after your date. So you would have realised that he was only after 1 thing, and when you didnt give it him he lost interest.
So I think you are just going to have to put this down as a bad experience and learn from it - there are plenty of men out there who are like this so at least now you know what to do if you ever meet another man online. The interent is the perfect place for leading people on - words in emails or over chat messengers are easy as you dont have to look the other person in the eye when you say them. They are just words that mean nothing, but to the person receiving them it means everything. And men like this are well aware of that, how they can say all these wonderful things and not have to mean any of them, and that in just a click of a button they can be deleted and gone forever. Guys like this just want sex, nothing more. I bet he will be back online looking for his next victim, and he will probably suceed time and time again. That is the downside to online dating unfortunately.
One little tip for you - not sure where you met this guy online but dating sites where you have to pay often have a better standard of people on there as you are investing money into finding a partner so they take it more seriously. But still, you get idiots on these sites too so always keep your guard and NEVER sleep with a man the first time you meet up with him. If he likes you and wants more than sex, he will be happy to wait until the 2nd date, 3rd date....even 10th date! That is your best way of weeding out the good guys from the bad guys - make them wait.
I hope this helps and good luck!
...............................
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (26 October 2010):
 Ok am going to be honest here he was never after a relationship with you hun, he only wanted one thing from you and he got it and therefore he quickly lost interest and probably moved on to his next poor victim online.
Dont take this personal as people who are only out for sex hide it very well and tell you all the things that you want to hear in order to get you in to bed. Its not the way you look or how you act its just he is a player and wants girls only for sex and nothings else.
In future i would suggest not meeting people online instead go out and about and see who you can meet but dont rush it and when you do meet someone dont have sex with him to soon get to know him and get him to take you out for a few times first this will prove that he is not only after one thing.
Am afraid that you just need to put this behind you and dont blame yourself we will all meet these guys somewere down the line that think it is ok to use women then ignore them he is not worth your time or effort so remove all of his contact details and forget about it.
...............................
|
