A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupid,My boyfriend and I have been dating for a couple of months now and everything is great except for one thing- we have a communication barrier. I love to communicate and share my feelings about things with him, but , her on the other hand, will only share things like that if they happen outside our realtionship. If I say something that bothers or offends him, he wont tell me what the problem is, he'll just stop talking. And when I ask him what is wrong, so I can fix it and apologize, he just sloughs it off, and I'm left feeling hurt and confused. I don't know what to do , because I love him and I'm willing to make sacrifices to keep our relationship strong. What should I do? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2007): I'm a 34 year old female. When I was your age, I had the toughest time with communication with my boyfriend because I was the one that wanted to talk right away and resolve things before they escalated or carried on. I didn't want the sun to go down on our anger. I was always willing to talk about things and he wasn't during a disagreement, so I felt like if I would do that for him, and he won't for me, he didn't love me. So I became insecure and needy at times.The best thing I learned is not only do men and women communicate and react differently, people in general have different ways of reacting and dealing with hurt,anger,and frustration. We have different defense mechanisms. Pay attention to the patterns and make a compromise.I used to get so upset because my boyfriend would leave when we even started to get in an argument, he's run out the door and go for a drive and not answer his phone. I was insecure and I felt abandoned and alone, and thought he was doing things to hurt me. But he wasn't, it was in my head.He just needed to cool down and think. Once I realized and trusted this. I would let him go. When I didn't try to stop him or nag/criticize him for leaving, he would only be gone for 10-15 minutes instead of hours. Once his emotions calmed down, he would talk to me. Then it became that it didn't get to the point of him leaving.You will always have conflicts and disagreements but you have to learn a way to resolve that works best for your personality types.Also, you can minimize arguments and him shutting down (I believe he has a fight or flight pattern, you can look it up and read about it online), is the words you use to address the conflict. Try not to be criticizing or attacking so he doesn't become defensive.Try not to use the word "YOU". Say you get mad because he leaves his socks on the floor. Instead of complaining and sounding like a parent (I hate when you leave your socks on the floor, you are lazy, why can't you put them in the hamper like everyone else, what is wrong with you...etc) you could alternately try calmly, I need your help....can we talk? I don't know why but it really bothers me when I walk by and see socks on the floor. It makes me feel like my house isn't clean. Can you help me with this? That might be a corny example. But a man likes to be needed and to protect/provide for the one he loves. So pose it as you need help and put it on you, because it really is you that has a complaint and that it bothers.The same things don't bother a man that bothers a woman. Guys are simple. We are such multi-taskers and our brains wheels are always spinning.Don't sweat the small stuff. Don't make such a big deal out of things that aren't worth it. When you start to get bothered or upset about something, take a time out yourself and think before you react.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2007): You two are probably two completely different people in character. Me and my bloke are, he is quiet about certain things, while i am mouth almighty!! I wear my heart on my sleeve, have to know all that is going on, yet he can tick over on bits of info. He is probably the same. It is early days, so have a chat with him and see how it goes, don't get hung up on things though, life is too short.
Take care
xx
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A
female
reader, AskEve  +, writes (12 March 2007):
 Most men hate confrontation and the "we need to talk" phrase. A lot of men also find it very difficult to talk about their feelings, they prefer to keep them inside and can even find it embarrassing to open up about them. It is still very early in the relationship so I wouldn't push him too much asking him about feelings and emotions as he'll continue to back off.
The next time he seems bothered about something you've said just say to him "hey you seem quiet babe, have I said something to offend you?" See what he says. Let him know if you did you're really sorry and say to him if he gets annoyed at something you say then he needs to let you know, you're not a mind reader so he needs to open up a little more to you.
Eve
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