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age
36-40,
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writes: Dear Cupid,I don't know what to do about my boyfriend. I love him, but after a couple years it feels we are growing apart. He works a lot more than when we first met. I keep asking him to make dates for us to hang out, but he doesn't seem to be able to plan ahead for me. When our "days" come, he always has other things to catch up on (such is life), and we spend only part of the day together. He does make an effort to see me, but it's late at night after work. I just wish we had a day (or a couple days) completely to ourselves to forget about the rest of world. He just doesn't seem to miss the connection as much as I do (I'm always pushing to plan ahead for us). I feel if we spent more time together, it would be there again. He swears he loves me more than anything in the world, but I feel I need more time to connect while he seems perfectly content with the relationship. For the first year, we were seeing each other ALL the time, we couldn't get enough of each other, we slept very little, etc. etc. and I know it wasn't healthy but we were totally falling in love. At least back then he was focused on our plans together...now, he seems more focused on his own plans for himself. I really want to take a week for our first trip together this summer, but he says he really wants to buy a house and might not be able to (not be able to afford it). I just wish he seemed more interested in things to do as a couple. I tell him this, and he seems to understand. But he has yet to make time for just the two of us without me constantly reminding him--I'm growing tired of it.I seem to need a deeper connection, like the one we used to have. We have it again when we start hanging out more. Though we do see each other at least every other day, it's past 9:30pm and I'm tired. I wish he was more romantic and spontaneous like when we first met...when he was also more creative and flexible. He used to be so romantic and now it's rare. Any ideas how to get the fire back?Do you think he's starting to take me for granted? Does he really love me as much as he says he does?Thanks in advance. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Deema  +, writes (2 May 2008):
 P.S. Read 'the Rules' its great for all sorts of stuff like this. Main theme is 'don't be so available'. When you're not so available he may just start to miss you, and wonder what you're up to and who knows who you might meet when you're out doing all that new stuff :)))))). Just a thought xx
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female
reader, Deema +, writes (2 May 2008):
Hi glad you got some help from the answers. I have to tell you that the other evening after coming home in a silent car with him after I'd just been singing my little heart out in the African choir I belong to, I was immediately pulled down by his mood and dreaded another distant evening. He is very sensitive however and sensed as soon as we got in the house that things weren't ok between us and when he asked I told him how distant he was, how it made me feel, etc. He then told me that yes, he's having a hard time. Its far worse than I could ever have known, unless he told me, but it enabled him to share what was going on, and helped me to understand. So when I got in from my day at the coast yesterday, I wasn't expecting smiles and sweetness, I decided to just let him be in his space till he sorted things out. He was far more welcoming to me, and we sat cuddling on the sofa - thats all I need, just a hug now and then, I'm not asking for roses and diamonds. But its like the other girls said, when men have things on their minds - nothing else can get in the way. Its tunnel vision. But think of the cave men - they went off purely to catch and kill to provide for their families. Do you think they'd have stopped on the way to hug the wife or stroke the cat? When I look at it that way - well goes back to what I said. Guess we have to be like the cave woman - get on with our own lives cus who knows if our man will even get eaten by a bear when he's out? Can't depend on them for everything we need. Lotsaluck hun.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for the thoughtful answers.
I guess I'm just going to focus more on my own life. I'm growing tired of being the one to bring up spending quality time together. It hurts a lot but it wasting my energy wanting something he can't seem to give me. I know he loves me, so maybe we're just at a time in our lives when the focus is less on the relationship? Will we grow closer again? Or will we gradually drift apart until we're both so caught up in our own seperate lives?
I guess no one knows the answers to those questions!
But thank you again for the responses. I hope he finds a way to balance his life. I can be understanding for a while, but I can't go on like this for another year.
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female
reader, codelady98  +, writes (1 May 2008):
Darling, i just came out of a similar scenario, and it just made me wonder where all the love had gone! It was crazy when we met, spending hours on the phone, spending entire weekends just totally absorbed in each other. Then he got promoted at work, and i had to wait around for what remnants of him i could get. Oh yes, he kept assuring me that he didn't love me less, but you feel me when i say it just wasn't the same anymore. Story of a woman in love, right? I came to realize one very important thing: men focus on the bigger picture, while women pay attention to the little details. To your man, the future was being laid out, he was fitting each piece of the life puzzle together. House. Career. Wife. He wasn't bothered about what was being neglected in order to achieve any of these goals. That's how men are naturally, we can't hold that against them. Your man didn't see the specific details you did, such as: career is robbing me of time with my woman, finances for our future home is denying us a pleasant vacation. Just like you didn't see that he had only those goals in mind, not the situation of things around you both and the relationship at the time. This is key, understanding the nature and reasoning pattern of men. No wonder women are naturally gifted with great amounts of patience! Be patient with him. You love him and you hope for a future with him. Give him attention (this is how a submissive woman relates to her man, not by being his slave). Let him know you support his goals. It will draw him closer to you, believe me. Nothing endears a man to his woman more than a woman who makes the effort to be "into" him, so to speak. You will be pleasantly shocked by the way he will open up to you once again. Men are very ego-centric, and you need to cater to this need. Finally, never sweep issues under the carpet. If he's not doing something right by you, by all means tell him. No matter what the issue may be. As a woman, you will be working extra-hard to keep this relationship. Let him explain things to you, from his point of view. You'll see what a bag difference it makes. You take care, but never let him take advantage of you because you are being understanding. If he's the man of your dreams, he'll wake up. If not, you'll move on. Cheers.
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (1 May 2008):
 Hi, sorry to hear that you're feeling sad and frustrated in your relationship. I know it's hard when the honeymoon phase ends and life gets in the way of the magical moments you shared together...
Can I assume he's in the same age range as you are (22-25)? If he is, he's in the throes of establishing his career, and putting most of his energy into that. That doesn't mean he doesn't love you or care about your feelings, it just means that he has a lot on his plate. I think men have a very difficult balancing act to achieve, just as women do, they need to make time for their lover, their job, their family, and all the everyday stupid little errands that need doing. It can be quite exhausting, I think.
I also think that he sounds like he's planning for his future, if he's saving money to buy a house. That is a very good sign, actually, it means he's not throwing his money away on unimportant things. Not that holidays and vacations aren't unimportant, they are just on a different priority than establishing a solid financial standing.
I'm not telling you that your feelings of being disconnected from him aren't valid, I'm just trying to get you to see things from his perspective, or what I think his perspective is. I quite understand your feelings because I went through the exact same ones when I was first dating my husband. He was sooooo busy at work and had to travel as well that he just couldn't always make time for me. But he did love me, and he did the very best he could, and I realized that before I screwed things up with him!
So, you are perfectly entitled to your feelings, but try to understand his too.
As far as getting away together, why not suggest a long weekend break, where you become tourists in your own town? You don't need to spend money on plane tickets or hotels, use your own house or his and pretend you're new to your town or city. Go find the great small inexpensive family eateries and plan picnics and walks and things like that. If you do the planning for it, it'll give you something to do and will take some of the burden off him. He might really appreciate such a gesture.
And, to add to Deema's thoughtful and moving answer, focus on making your own life interesting and fun, and take back a bit of the control you've handed over to him. Sounds like a good plan to me!
All the best, and don't forget that he loves you!
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female
reader, Deema +, writes (1 May 2008):
Oh my oh my. Its almost like reading my own story !!!! I had same problem. Worked very long hours, finished at 12.30 at night, just saw each other for short time before he left for work next morning. But I kind of got used to it, made my own life, was quite content. But then I noticed when we did have time together, just like you say, he didn't seem to need the time together as a couple that I did. My man is Turkish, over there they don't spend a lot of time with their women, cus their women are all in gaggles, yakking away and doing everything together, and the men just chat with the men. He only had one day off a week and I tried to be fair about my time with him, as he had to see friends, family and everyone in that time, but as long as we got that close time together in the mornings, even though it was short, it was our time, a special time together and we made the most of it. Now however he's changed jobs, is coming home earlier in the evening, but its glaringly obvious he doesn't have the same needs as me. Yes I felt taken for granted. In fact 4 weeks ago I threw him out, I'd had enough. But I do love him, he's making great strides to put things right, but I really don't know if its just too little too late. I guess what we have toa sk ourselves is: Are the needs we have something we can fulfill ourselves, or can we get those needs met elsewhere? Or is it time to just say I'm with the wrong person and move on to someone else who has more similar needs? Guess those are the same questions you are asking yourself. Its a horrible situation to be in, but I'm trying to focus on my life, what makes me happy, where my life is going and then I'm going to fulfill that. At the moment for me that means doing courses, widening my world so he's not the centre of it, and I'm going to the coast in a few minutes time, to a place I love and feel at peace at - and I'm looking to move there. I don't think he will becoming with me, and thats sad, we both have a strong amount of love for each other, but hey sometimes you have to follow your own dreams and wake up to gthings that make you feel good, not like some dog sitting at the table waiting for crumbs. I find myself going out a lot now when he's home, which isn't good, but better to be out and happy than feel empty sitting alongside him. Love to know how you get on with this one, but that is my best bit of advice to you - let go of the situation, make your own life reeeeeally good, and then see if YOU still need him in it. Take back your power, it feels really good. Lotsaluck. xx
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