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anonymous
writes:I am in a bit of a bind and don't know what to do. I have been in a committed loving relationship with a man almost 20 years older than me (I am 24). The problem is sex. He would be happy with once a week or fortnight while I start to not cope after two days. I have tried so hard to increase his interest but it doesn't seem to be working. I am worried his interest will decline more as he gets older. I never anticipated this problem when we began as things were much more frequent then and I just guessed that since we're both men sex will always be wanted by both of us. I worry that maybe he's had lots of sex in his past and is over it to a certain extent or is that just paranoia? I don't know what to do or think. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am so aware that this must be hard for him as well. He never says it is, he just gets annoyed with me but perhaps that is a guise.
I read your words last night and thinking about them I think you are probably right about him still feeling pressured when he shouldn't be. He has this fixation that I want sex all the time (sure, I would like more, but not all the time). I am not sure how to get him over that though. If he has any guilt or insecurities I don't think he's going to mention them. I've been patient, supportive, never got angry about it, backed off and never complained. All that I have done is get upset on rare occasions because it can be so hard. I know that doesn't help him feel better.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe is always happy to kiss and hug or hold hands. For months I have been trying to give him more space, do the majority of the household chores and have always been romantic and thoughtful. I don't think he'd appreciate more romantic time as he'd think I was just trying for something else. It came out a while back that in kissing he felt like I was always wanting it to lead elsewhere, so I backed right off with no intimate touching no nothing but he still feels like I am trying to get him into bed all the time. Sure I may want to but I am constantly holding myself back and make no advances, no hints, no nothing. I am starting to feel there is a little bit of selfishness in all this.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks again for your advice. He takes the meds for an iregular heart beat so they will be for life but like you say if he talks to the doctor about it there could be an alternative. I don't think he'll go to the doctor as I've since found out that he thinks the only problem we have is me wanting sex more than he does, and that I make it a problem by raising the issue (which I don't do very often and I never demand or push for sex). It got down to the wire and he said if this is a big problem for me then maybe we shouldn't be together. I said I wasn't interested in breaking up. I am hurt that he sees this as just my problem. I do wonder if maybe I have a excessive interest in sex. I want it as much as the day we met while his interest has declined as the relationship has progressed (I know this is supposedly "normal" but it seems I am suffering because my passion for him hasn't dwindled).
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks so much for the advice. The novel and its addendum is appreciated! Obviously this site wasn't my fisrt resort and I have tried to talk to him about it in a very tactful and kind way. I've never got any real answers. He takes one lot of medication which lists sexual problems as one of the possible but unlikely side effects. The leaflet with the medication says see your doctor if you suffer any of the side effects but he won't go (he said he would when I really asked but...). He doesn't want to as he thinks it will be embarassing and I think also because he is worried that the doctor will find no problem/solution. He does smoke cigarettes which I have read can also decrease your sex drive and is a little overweight which I believe can also have the same effect. It sort of makes me depressed because there seems to be all these things he could do to try and improve his interest but doesn't. I'd do them for him if I could!!! No major stresses or anything like that and I already do loads of nice, romantic and thoughtful things. I am 100% sure he is aware of the issue and our difference in sex drive. I don't think sexual dysfunction is the cause as he doesn't have trouble getting an erection. Sometimes if sex goes on for a long time he can lose his erection but I don't see that as any problem and have told him that.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2008): I am the one who wrote you the novel lol I thought of some stuff while in the shower
Has your lover started on any medications? Medications can really have an affect. I have an insane;y high drive but when I was on Paxil it prevented me from having orgasms and greatly reduced my drive.
Just b/c he's a man doesn't mean he has a high sex drive, that's a common misconception. His natural drive may be low or moderate and that doesn't mean something is wrong with him. And just b/c yours is high, it doesn't mean something is wrong with you either or that your slutty or something.
Don't jump the gun about him having some sort of sexual dysfunction, once that comes up, its not going to be forgotten, I think everyone worries about their prowess and ability to please. So make sure its nothing else first.
And don't blame yourself. You are I am sure very desirable and he chose you, so don't let this make you feel like you're not sexy enough. This most likely has nothing to do with you at all.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2008): I have a similar issue not quite the same, my husband isn't older than me but he suffers from chronic full body pain (has since he was a kid, he's only 27 now but it makes him feel old always being in pain) and while my sex drive is outrageously high (I was happy with the 3 times a day we started with lol) my husbands is low. When he's stressed out our sex life can come to a dead halt, but stress can do that for any man so why not talk to him generally and see what's going in his life? When I really listen to my husband and help him with whatever he's going through that seems to help b/c then he feels loved and knows I am satisfied with him as a partner. Applying the pressure often makes it worse and bringing up possible issues of sexual dysfunction is hard for any man to hear, with the age gap he may already stress about his virility and ability to please you. My husband and I also set aside some time, just to be loving with each other where there is no pressure for sex, for example I give him massages (he does have pain but I think most men would enjoy a full body massage lol) if it leads to sex great but just taking the time to be intimate with no pressure can really ease the tension and honestly after a good massage he often does want to have sex. Whether you say it or not he's probably aware of the difference in drives and I know this causes my hubbie a lot of turmoil. In my case I've noticed when I am feeling happy and confident and laidback (no pressure) he'll invariably come to me, confidence is a turn on and if your happy it'll improve his mood too, cause ya know he wants you to be happy. If you let this eat away your self-esteem it'll get harder and I know constantly seeking reassurances for my insecurities only made hubbie feel that much worse like he wasn't meeting my needs, so don't base your desirability on the frequency of sex. You can also give his confidence a little boost by doing little thoughtful things for him here and there and with sincere compliments (don't over do it, if he thinks its not sincere it'll get worse). If there's been a sudden change in the drive, I'd say stress is a high possibility and another odd one people often don't think of, if your back is out of place, it can really cause problems with erections and libido, when I get hubbie to chiropractor or give him a massage and he gets his back in place his sex drive usually jumps up. As your mate is probably older it could be decreased testosterone, does he show any other symptoms of it, does he go to a doctor regularly?) Keep in mind though people do experience fluctuations in sex drive a bout of depression can have someone out of commission for months. Btw I am not saying you can't talk about the issue, its just a touchy subject, try and dissolve any fears he might have that he's not pleasing you or that he's not enough for you. I find talking about sex all the time makes my husband feel pressured every now and then having an honest conversation that starts out light about sex (not first about sexual dysfunctions) gets him opening up, we'll often share what we like in bed, like I'll tell him the things I really enjoy when he does to me and vice versa, areas we are working on both of us have some self-esteem issues, and he'll often then say I haven't been in the mood lately and then we can talk about what's bothering him but if he initiates talking about the sensitive stuff it works out better, so try and get your man comfortable enough to bring it up on his own.Oh and I really don't know many or any people who continue the several times a day pattern well into the relationship, though I wish that was so lol Also I don't know how old this man is but as you get older, its takes longer b/w erections, you are probably young so it probably doesn't take that long maybe like just a few minutes, but for an older man it can take anywhere from hours to days between times, so says my Human Sexuality course lol
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reader, lexilou  +, writes (1 May 2008):
 It's always hard when one partner wants more sex than the other and you end up feeling rejected. There always seems to be more sex at the beginning of the relationship when you go through that cant keep your hands of each other phase. It may be just that he is more happy to have cuddles at the moment but it doesnt mean you wont go through another phase where the sex increases. It could be that he has something on his mind maybe stress at work? Either way sit down and talk to him about how you are feeling and work something out. Maybe he could just pleasure you without having to go the whole hog once a week or so as a compromise x
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2008): Hi Hunny
You need to sit down and talk with your partner about how this is making you feel..Men all over the world enjoy a good sex life up to any age certainly older than your partner..He may have a low libido...
http://www.netdoctor.co.uk/sex_relationships/facts/malelacksexdrive.htm
He may need to see someone hunny and deep down he may be worried about not pleasing you, But may feel he cant say anything as this can be a huge thing for a man as you would no and feel if it happened to you hun, Talk to him and see how he feels open up and hopefully you will both understand better how the other is feeling as its not nice being in the dark and just sitting there worrying and never really knowing if there is help needed...If you need a chat love message me TAKE CARE OF YOU WITH LOVE N HUGS MANDY XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
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