A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:This question is more for sexual advice than dating advice:My girlfriend and I, of about a year, are madly in love. We seem to be in a healthy relationship, except when it comes to sex. I have had sex, about 5 years ago. But I lost my virginity to a "mistake" if you will. It was not out of love. So, I've waited this long to have sex again with someone who I truely love. She, on the other hand, is a virgin still. And she agreed she wants to have sex with me too. It would be special. The only problem is: she's too afraid.She's afraid of the pain. Her mind/body won't let anything "down there" without her freaking out. She cries everynight at the fact that her body doesn't feel comfortable with having sex but she really wants to.I am a man with a high sex drive so this comes to be a much frustrating problem. I love her to death, which is why I've supported her for the past 10 months or so. But we feel it's time to make a step in the right direction. Otherwise, she'll be afraid all her life.Does anyone have any ideas on how to fix this problem?
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lost my virginity, sex drive Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2011): I've just seen what you posted here about 3 years ago and I'm in exactly the same situation now like your girlfriend was. My boyfriend and I are together for 14months now and except sex everything works out great. The reason for our problem is the same as you've described it above. I just wondered how your girlfriend confronted herself with her problem and what whether you two were able to work things out.. I'm asking this because I really don't have any ideas how we should tackle this problem and loosen this mental blockade. Thank you
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2009): i was terrified at first, but my boyfriend was really sweet and said he respected my decision if i wanted to do anything or not. he fingered me and gave me oral first, the fingering hurt but i said to continue because i knew it was just stretching my hymen, then we had sex and it was amazing, it didn't hurt one bit and i didn't even realize that i bled.
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A
female
reader, ah13054 +, writes (11 November 2009):
Im 16 and im still a virgin and i have never been fingered or anything like that. Like ur gf im very scared bout letting anyone down there and it has cost me a few relationships. I hardly ever mention it to anyone cuz when i do they ask me if i was raped. I wasn't but mayb ur gf was. Just reassure her u love her and show her she can trust u. I have major trust issues n thats y im sooooo scared. Hope i helped u.
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A
female
reader, Crisy  +, writes (12 January 2008):
 well maybe you should try fingering her first to stretch her out a bit. Or if she still doesnt feel comfertable, when she has plenty of privacy, she should play with herself, experiment, and see how good it feels, when you become close to having sex try alot of heavy petting, wet kisses etc, this might make her feel a little more relaxed.
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A
female
reader, starfairy +, writes (7 January 2008):
 It sounds like she might have a psychological problem...She should speak to her doctor and see what help is available, counselling etc.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust to add: We have talked about this together. She feels comfortable with me, its just the act of doing it that shes afraid of.
She is 21 years old, and she's never worn a tampon. That's how afraid of penetration she is.
I know there's not much help to offer but THANK YOU to all of you who responded. It really helps to hear other opinions.
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A
female
reader, AJ jess ^..^ +, writes (6 January 2008):
 talk to her discuss this, i had almost the same problem you need to tell her you love her and you will try not to hurt her purposefully, tell her youl be gentle with her, when your alone and both relaxed just kiss her and when you go further be gentle make sure u have lube as this will make it more confortable for her and just encourage her x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2008): This perception that first time intercourse is very painful for most women is a myth. Depending to some degree on the man's size, compared to her, it might cause some discomfort or a bit of pain if the hymen is still intact covering her vaginal passage, but for the vast majority of women, it's more like a little discomfort if anything. Usually it's quick and no more problem if she is healthy and normal. Some experience extremely little or no pain at all. If you get her worked up really well (turned on), even her natural lubricants will suffice to ease penetration. Take your time. Just be gentle and tell her to keep you apprised and guide you.
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A
female
reader, orkney girl +, writes (5 January 2008):
go to the doctors together and let a proffesional quell her fears is one idea. the 'first time' fears of pain and suffering are very much over rated and the fear is set by gossip and miss information. the knowledge that in some instances heavy bleeding has occurred when the hymen, the very small piece of membrane that blocks the vagina is 'broken' must meen that there is a lot of pain. this is total twaddle. if first time sex was so painfull we'd have died out as a species thousands of years ago. making sure that your loved one is well lubricated will ease the penitration and that goes for all sex not just first timers. ky jelly is a good one to use as it doesnt affect condoms. i feel without talking to your gf that maybe she comes from a background where sex wasn't spoken about freely and has possibly picked up on attitudes of less informed people and has 'grown' this fear over the years to the point it's now become a phobia. Go see your GP he/she will be able to inform your gf of the TRUE implications of first time sex, give solid and practical advice on methods to use and possibly be able to address all her emotional fears and inhibitions. however you dont say how old your gf is maybe she just isnt old enough or ready yet???
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A
female
reader, LouLee +, writes (5 January 2008):
 You need to sit down and talk to her, promise her you will be very gentle and slow and if it hurts, all she has to do it shout and you'll stop straight away. keep working at it and hopefully she'll be able to a)feel more relaxed and b) slowly let things 'down there'...hopefully! good luck x
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A
female
reader, starfairy +, writes (5 January 2008):
She just needs to get over this mental block. Every girl is scared at the thought of losing their virginity - yes it hurts, but she's lucky because she has someone who is patient and wanting to make it a good experience for her.
I suggest you plan a night of seduction...Cook some food, have a bottle of wine, watch a movie, cuddle on the sofa, maybe have a picnic in front of the TV, lots of duvets and pillows to cuddle into. Give her a massage, just be warned of anything that might break down latex (condoms).
Spend plenty of time on foreplay for her. Girls generally need more 'warming up' than guys. Lube would be a good idea (check out ID Juicy Lubes, they smell/taste great and don't cause yeast infections in girls like alot of lubes do).
I'm sure once she's relaxed, she'll be fine.
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A
female
reader, baybee-x-sparkii +, writes (5 January 2008):
 if anything is to happen you two need to talk about this she is obviously nervous and needs to be reassured tell her that you wont hurt her and you will be as gentle as possible.
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