A
male
age
51-59,
*nthony E
writes:Help! I've recently split from my partner of four long years of what began as a wonderful relationship yet ended with the two of us bored and wanting out. We parted as amicably as we could, yes there were tears and pain but nothing out of the ordinary. We'd had several conversations in the latter months of the relationship which seemed to be the prelude to a final split. Then after the last of these chats I finally told her I thought it might be best if we went our own ways. We shared some tears then that was that. Or so I thought.....Two weeks after the breakup and I indirectly find out via a text message that she's seeing another guy already. I'm devastated. When we broke up I specifically asked her not to be informed about any rebound type relationship she might get into - and she duly informed me that she wouldn't do that as the last thing she needed was another relationship straight away. Yet that's what she's in now. And the crazy thing is it's driving me nuts and all I now want is her back. She's not done it to get me back, I know her well and she wouldn't do that to me. But nonetheless the effect on me has been profound. Why am I going through this misery, over a girl I'd decided to leave of my own account. Now I'm in an absolute mess and see her completely differently - more attractive and desirable than ever. I feel as if I'm cracking up! Today I met her in the local park and I asked her to come back to me. It makes absolutely no sense at all, why am I feeling like this?
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male
reader, Anthony E +, writes (5 July 2015):
Anthony E is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you to all whom have helped me over this. I cannot understate the improvement it has had on my current state of mind and general demeanour. Sometimes the seemingly obvious needs pointing out and underlining by someone outside of one's own situation. In the end, it's all so ridiculously simple; do you love her/him? No, then move on. Yes, then it must have been unrequited, else you'd still be together. Easy!
A
male
reader, Anthony E +, writes (5 July 2015):
Anthony E is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWiseOwlE, that is perhaps the most helpful and considered reply I could have ever hoped for. It's also a huge kick up the butt and makes me feel quite pathetic, which I now realise I have been. THANK YOU! Some of it makes for quite sobering reading, but I think I need to hear it. What on earth have I been getting wrapped up in? And all so pointless! You're completely correct sir, and I now understand, I think. I dealt the final blow to the relationship, and that really is that. As you correctly point out, this cannot have ever been love, else I would have never even thought about leaving her! It's all so clear now, and I feel I have the necessary resolve to now move on from my cloud of confusion and leave her alone. No doubt true love is something which has so far eluded me in life. Perhaps that's where the confusion comes from; for if a person has not experienced it then it may be hard to envisage what it might feel like, and that I guess is where the issue lies. I will keep your wise words locked into my head from now on, and will remind myself of what you have said next time I find myself doubting my decision again - if indeed I do. I think you are entirely correct in assuming that if a person ever doubts they actually love their partner then they probably don't. Brilliant observation. And lastly, yes - her business after the moment of our parting is not, nor ever should be any of my business. Well answered sir, you have helped me more than you could possibly know! I am deeply in your gratitude for taking the time to answer my question.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2015): Four words "There is better out there."
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2015): You are being driven by your ego and jealousy; not by your actual feelings for her. In a way, you were able to cope feeling comfortable with having the power to end things.
You initiated the breakup, therefore you felt in control.
The point you're missing is, that's where your choices and control ended. The deciison to breakup is certainly yours to make. What happens thereafter is none of your business. You don't get to set the conditions of what she does once she's out of your life. If you didn't know she was already dating someone else, you probably would have gotten on fine. You even suggested that she not tell you about rebound romances. Exactly who do you think you are to tell her what to do? It's a small world, you'd have found out inadvertently. What's the difference?
You said both of you were in a place in your relationship where you were bored and wanted out. You don't get to breakup and makeup at your own convenience. You don't get to put her away on a shelf, and expect her to sit there until you're over her. She is allowed to resume her life. Her independence began where her relationship ended with you. She now has her freedom. She doesn't need your jealousy interrupting her life to ease your discomfort and remorse, and to put a bandage over your damaged ego.
Now she's more beautiful and desirable once she has found someone else? Hello?!! The obvious is blinding!
That's your male pride. You wanted her to suffer and agonize over you. Well, people handle their loss and grief in their own way. You don't get to decide how she should go about doing it to protect your pride. If it bothers you, that's just too bad. Perhaps this is a blessing in disguise. He may have always been there in the shadows and you never knew it. Whether that is true or not, it's still none of your business now. You decided it was time to end it. So let it be.
Wanting her back is to soothe your battered pride and to protect your male ego. It has nothing to do with love.
If you loved her, you would have known it; and there would have been no way you would have let her go in the first place. You were bored because you were simply going through the motions, and surviving on codependency. Complacent with having a girlfriend conveniently available; even though it didn't offer you any feeling of comfort, joy, or happiness.
By the way, that's how you'll know it's love. If isn't love just because you feel miserable, insulted, and rejected after she found another man. I guess you would prefer her to dissolve into a pitiful and helpless state over you. Disabled and immobilized by her grief and depression, until you found someone first. It's not evil. That's pretty normal. Only it's selfish. It's okay to be selfish when you feel heartbroken and hurt after a breakup. Even if you both agreed to it.
Just because you parted amicably doesn't mean it won't be painful. It is, and always will be; unless you absolutely hate the person you broke-up with.
No, my friend, it wasn't and isn't love you're feeling. You're feeling the normal regret and remorse that comes with the full range of cockeyed-emotions felt after a breakup. You always get second-thoughts; especially if your partner moves on sooner, or finds somebody else.
I strongly urge you go no contact and to leave her alone, and get on with your life. Stop picking at wounds and let things be.
I don't recommend trying to put it back together. You will be resentful of the fact she found someone else, and I think you're presently motivated by jealousy and other mixed feelings created by grief. There is the dangerous probability that your feelings for her may change, once you've pulled her away from the other guy. Dealing with the fact that she was in another man's arms, rejected you, and may still have serious yearnings for the other man.
Save both you and her the trouble. Move on, my friend. You are capable of loving, and you will know without any doubt when you've found it. If you have the slightest doubt, it isn't there.
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A
male
reader, Anthony E +, writes (4 July 2015):
Anthony E is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your reply. It's good to have another person's view. I think you're quite right in what you say, although I'm still not sure that getting back with her is the right thing to do, even if she wanted that. I did ask her directly yesterday and she said that she didn't know, which I guess is still better than a 'no'. I told her that I'd have quite liked a chance at rebuilding things but that at the time I'd felt pushed away, which is why I left.
I guess the other point in matter is that I still don't really know if I was truly in love with her. How do you know that? I guess the part of me which questioned that allowed me to write the relationship off on a more fundamental basis. They say that people just somehow know when it's the real thing. I've ended all my other relationships on the same basis and known afterwards (with hindsight) that I wasn't in love with those people.
I'm not sure that I've ever really been in love.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (4 July 2015):
 You broke up because you thought the relationship got boring. You forgot how it felt like to be in love with her. Now she is dating again she is no longer boring, but a challenge once more. It makes you question why you broke up at the first place. You also don't want to learn of the possibility that she can work it out long term with the new guy, making it seem like a failure that you didn't want to put in the effort to keep the relationship exciting. You were after excitement in a relationship. After the honeymoon period, it serves no purpose for you and you didn't know what to do.
Maybe it was a mistake breaking up with her. The relationship was not as boring as you had thought. She is not attached with the other guy yet so what you can do is keep in touch if she allows it. Be sweet to her while not begging her to come back. Tell her she deserves a guy who sticks it out and work things out instead of running away. Also tell her you are meeting friends as well and seeing how it goes. It will be a turn off if she knows you are miserable feeling this agony, because this is such a cliche that guys break up, feel free temporarily and then this.
Relationships are two way, so she might realize her part in this. It's easy to fall into complacence and take each other for granted after 4 years. Also if your lives are boring then it's easy to blame the other person too. If she really loves you she might give you a second chance. Every break up has a reason. It's seldom just one person's fault. Something has to change so it is up to both of you if you want to resolve the issue together.
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