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male
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anonymous
writes: My wife's sexual past is hurting us both.My wife and I have been together for 7 years, married for 4. I've always been reluctant to discuss our sexual pasts, largely because I was "afraid to know." Well, she breeched the subject one night b/c she said she felt as though my reluctance to discuss her sexual past meant that I thought it was worse than it really was and she didn't like feeling like I was judging her. Well, I agreed to listen AND IT WAS MUCH WORSE than I imagined! (ie. 16 different "casual" partners from 16yo - 17yo) My hang-ups are: 1) number of partners at young age 2) I don't agree with "casual" sex 3) at 16 she slept with 26 year old. and 4) she slept with drug-dealers, drop-outs, etc.I know this was when she was "young and stupid" and now she is a college-educated professional and WONDERFUL wife and mother. I CAN'T HELP BUT FEEL TURNED OFF TOWARD HER SEXUALLY NOW. She is intuitive and knows that I don't "look at her the same now." I can't help it - I have always had sex in the confines of a long-term relationship and I would quite honestly never have dated my wife had I known these things. I LOVE HER SO MUCH but I even now have horrible dreams about her sexual exploits and infidelity. She tells me that she has an orgasm almost every time we make love and that I'm the best, blah, blah, blah but I don't even care if she's telling the truth or not. My fear is that we are morally incompatible. How can I get over my irrational feelings and move on? Are my feelings irrational? Help!
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infidelity, move on, orgasm, sexual past Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for everybody's advice. I definitely think the hardest part of this is the "moral compatibility" issue. The recent issue with her sexual past only highlights some of our differences. (e.g. I'd like to raise our son to be a Christian, she's against it; She gets upset when I even talk about going to church; she openly ridicules religion, etc.) It's not the only thing, but it's the most glaring. Also, re: "...who are you to be judging her?" - I understand I have no right to judge, but please tell me: when does a personal moral opinion on a subject and the resulting FEELING become a judgement? I never told her anything but she figured it out and confronted me about it. She asks how I feel and I tell her the truth. One of the best things about our marriage is that we share our feelings with one another. The unfortunate result is that sometimes we don't like what we hear. I think (and hope) that over time I'll come to terms with her past - she's had ten years and I've only had a few weeks.
A
female
reader, xxxsoulsistaxxx  +, writes (16 September 2006):
 I'm totally going through now what you are. My boyfriend has slept with everything that has moved for the past 10 years and now we're together, it kills me to think about it and see the girls around town. Everyone keeps telling me to "let it go" and "it's all in the past, move on" but it doesn't feel like the past to me. I guess I just don't believe people change that much.
He tells me the same things, I'm the best, he's never done it like we do it etc but I don't believe him. He's been with over 100 women and it's disgusting, it's just not normal to me and I don't think I can get over it. The worst thing is, he got an STD from one of them and now, we have to use protection forever!
I suppose I can't really help you here, because I don't know what to do either. I have tried to leave a few times but every time I do it, I end up backing out at the last minute. I love him and he's a great guy and I guess I'm scared I won't meet anyone as nice or as loving as him, but at the end of the day, if there's something about them you just can't accept, it's going nowhere.
I just want you to know you're not alone. I feel exactly the same and I don't know whether we can work through it or not. I love the guy but do people change? Can they suddenly click off from 'having sex' and then 'make love' after all that time and disgusting behaviour? I don't think so.
So there you go, where do we go from here? I don't know to be honest, but you can send me a personal mail if you want to talk anymore. I understand exactly what you're going through and have no idea what to do. Maybe people who've had that background should stick together?
Good luck
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A
female
reader, pica +, writes (16 September 2006):
This is all in your head. She had this past when you met her and she's had it every day of your relationship. It hasn't changed though it did make her. Do you know why she led such a chaotic lifestyle? Kids that age, living like that, are generally not the happiest in the world. There are issues in their lives which have pushed them to such extreme behaviour. She did well to survive it and grow.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2006): It's understandable that you'd feel shocked and unsettled by something like this, and that's okay. The important thing to remember is that love is a decision, and it's supposed to be for better or worse. Love means accepting the things a person might even have a hard time accepting about themselves.
How long has it been since you guys had this talk? First, expect that it will take some time for you to get used to this new aspect of who she is. I say "who she is" and not "who she was" because her past is part of her -- a part of the woman you love and married. You say you would never have dated her if you'd known these things, but it's just as likely that you'd never have dated her if these things hadn't been true -- she'd have been someone different, and who's to say whether that other woman would have been someone you'd love the same.
You say that your fear is that you two are morally incompatible. Really? You've been together for 7 years, and you think that now, one revelation about indiscretions in her teenage years completely change your moral compatibility? Think long and hard about that.
One other thing. Don't press her to tell you she regrets her past. It's probable that she does, but it's certain that your trying to get her to say so will make her feel judged, and in turn, make her feel indignant and probably make her want to tell you she doesn't regret it at all, because who are you to be judging her? I know - I've been there.
Give it some time and practice re-routing your thoughts when you start obsessing over her past. And if, after a few weeks, things aren't notably better, find a counselor and try talking it over with someone who's trained to listen and help you find ways around the destructive thought patterns.
And remember to make sure your wife knows you love her. Stop saying you don't "look at her the same now" - just explain that you're having a hard time processing this new information about her life, but you love her as much as you always did.
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A
female
reader, Leonie +, writes (15 September 2006):
I completely understand how your feeling, but you need to let it go, if its in the past and shes changed it should stay in the past, just try to slowly regain what you once had.
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