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female
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anonymous
writes: Hello there,Can you help?I'm a 33 year old woman, who has been very unsuccessful in love, to date...Whilst I am confident, attractive, intelligent and successful, I appear to have had a history of going for men who were either rats, or were to weak to overcome obstacles/love me enough to commit to me (e.g. family pressures).Anyway, one thing I can say with EVERY man I have dated, is that I have always been totally 100% in love with him. In love, and totally consumed by love. All of these exes were good-looking, fun-loving, charming, ambitious men with great conversational skills (personality like myself). But none of these loves lasted - from their side.However, I am now with someone who is more "stable", wants to commit, and loves me dearly. I think I can love him, but it's a different kind of love to what I have felt in the past - a calmer, safer, secure love. Whilst this may be good, I don't believe I am in love with my new man. This may be, partly due to the fact that we are on such different social levels (he is very shy/appears awkward in social situations and doesn't have much of a social life, whilst I am the life and soul of a party!), plus I feel I am more intelligent (socially and academically), very successful financially (he isn't, but has potential) and have a much greater drive / ambition in life. There isn't much of a mental spark or "high" between us, like in every other relationship, but there is a feeling of "security, love and faithfulness".But, he gives me all the love I've ever wanted and would do anything for me, and would never look at another woman. On the contrast, I have never received such love from anyone. Do you think such a relationship can work?
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female
reader, pica +, writes (16 September 2006):
Hi, thanks for the post. I was in a flippant mood earlier ;)) Actually I felt I recognised an old self in there. When it happened to me I went through a lot of soul-searching which I think you are doing now. I had to ask myself some hard questions, along the lines of 'am I really that great?'. If so, why wasn't I with the mr perfect I expected? I learned a lot in the process and re-evaluated myself. I think I'm much happier as a result. Your new guy has different skills from you and likely different interests. Okay, you're the life and soul, but not all people on the sidelines want to be. Similarly not everyone thinks financial success or achievement in work is everything. I take your point about kids but there's much more to fatherhood than cash. (Would you rather be poor and happy or rich and miserable?) I have to say I did wince when you said you're more intelligent than him .. okay, so you build a house, and I don't mean just pay for it ;) You just know more than him about the things you have previously regarded to be most important. Anyway, the lesson I learned is that the world was not necessarily built to my specification and that what I thought assumed was essential to make me happy with a partner, wasn't.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Pica,
Thanks for replying, but I think you have got me wrong. I don't mean that I am "better" than new man. I just mean I have a different kind of love with him. But, things about him concern me, such as a lack of drive/ambition to establish himself financially (he is a builder but has yet to set up a company / make himself financially secure (he is far from this) - not only this, I feel that if our relationship were to work, I would have to be the one leading what we do, how we do it, if we are to make a life together.
I just don't know if what I feel is enough - is it fine to love someone but not be in love with him? Can a relationship work with this level of love?
I'm sorry you think I'm arrogant - I'm not, am being realistic. Being the woman, one day I would like to have kids, which would mean my taking time out of work to do this. I would need a supportive partner who can manage financially, if we are to be able to make ends meet.
My point was, all the other men I've dated ticked every box for me, apart from the commitment box!! This man loves and is committed to me. And I appreciate him greatly. Ijust don't know if this is enough.
Thanks again.
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A
female
reader, pica +, writes (16 September 2006):
Do I think such a relationship can work?? When you're so fantastic, he's so lacking? Why didn't you just get a dog? Faithful, loving, won't stray though not as smart, successful or rich as you. Oh, right, you did. Poor guy, I hope he gets over you and finds someone who can love and respect him as an equal.
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