A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am 16 years older than my BF. We met 9 years ago and our relationship escalated quickly to the point of him moving to Texas from NY and building a house for us and my two kids. We have had our ups and downs. Mostly with his maturity. He was 21 when we met and is 29 now. He is very smart and articulate and owns his own business. Has since I met him. He coached my daughter's softball team the past 4 years and is very involved with the kids. He can be very selfish, insensitive, rude, and mean when he is in a bad mood. He says very cruel things because he knows it hurts me and I think he enjoys controlling and manipulating people. I've made him sound like a huge jerk, but when he is sweet, he is tender and caring. He apologizes for being mean and over the past 9 years has gotten much better and more mature in his fighting when we argue.Anyway, he moved out of his mother's home to be with me and basically became sort of married to me when we built the house. We are common law in Texas. He never experienced the college dorm life and we never really dated. After 9 years I have asked for a commitment from him to make it official. I want to get married and make our relationship more special than just conveniently thrown together and comfortable.My age has long been and issue with his friends and I have kept myself up pretty well. He says I am Beautiful to him. The problem is I am unable to have more children. He has battled this for some time. I recently caught him sexting another woman because he found it "exciting". Our sex life is amazing and exciting so I don't understand his reasoning other than an excuse to ask for a break.Now his job is taking him to Seattle to open another office for his business.We have agreed that the break will be good for us.He says his sole purpose in Seattle is to focus on his business and grow it bigger and more successful. His plan is NOT to go out dating and experiencing the single life.I have asked that we set up a time frame for this trial separation and some ground rules. I am not going to wait around forever for him to make up his mind about whether he wants to be with me or not. I also don't want to be waiting in the wings while he is living a separate single life that I am not a part of.I have asked him what we "will be" while he is away and he says he doesn't know. I have asked if he will date in Seattle and he says he doesn't know. I have asked what expects me to do alone in Texas and he says he doesn't know. He says he loves me dearly and does not want to lose me. He says I deserve better than him. He is dreading the move and has been super sweet and loving in our last few months together. I have asked him what his plan is for US while he is away. He says he doesn't know. That he will just "go with the flow". He plans in coming back to Texas every few months because we have a "home" and Texas is Home. He has asked that I fly up to Seattle to visit every few months too. He has said that I am his best friend and most amazing lover he has ever had. He says that no matter what, I will always be a part of his life. if we end up together or not. He has predicted that we will always be intimate too. No matter if either one of us winds up with someone else. He says I'll never find anyone like him and he will never find anyone like me. We are addicted to each other. My question is...what guidelines would anyone suggest for this trial separation? what are your thoughts?
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (5 January 2014):
 I would not bother to set any guidelines because he is SOO shipping out anyway, just he is sugarcoating it to buy himself some time and fade out gradually. He hasn't got the guts to just pull the Band-Aid, quick and sharp, because , after 9 years together, he must care about you, care enough to not want you see your heartbreak. But, not care enough to NOT give you heartbreak .
In a situation like yours, when you have already a home and a family together, and you ( reasonably ) ask for a firmer committment , any answer that's not a resounding YES means a NO. All these " I don't know " mean " I am out of here ".
Not that he lies when he says you have been his best friend and best lover etc.etc., that can be totally heartfelt and totally true. Just, he is not going to want/ need / ask for all these beautiful things from you in his future.
A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (5 January 2014):
 I would suggest no conditions and no guidelines.
For one, it would defeat the purpose and encumber you both with unrealistic expectations. And for another, how would either of you know these conditions were being met by the other?
OP, your boyfriend may love you and he may love the idea of having a home and family to come back to, but he is not ready to make the kind of commitment you want. And he wants children.
In cases like these 'I don't know what I want' really means 'I do know what I want but I'm not ready to tell you because I know you won't like it.'
He's leaving to start a new life in another state. He's going to want companionship so he will be dating. He's giving you just enough hope to keep you around as a fall back plan. If things don't work out the way he wants he wants to be able to come home and regroup with you before setting back out on his own again.
My advice is to just end it cleanly. Let him go live his life and you live yours. You had many happy years together, but you both want different things. Once the relationship is over the sex and any physical intimacy should be as well.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2014):
The ' don't knows ' would seal it for me . And I'm sorry the arrogance that you two will be intimate no matter what .. Oo come on please ..
He wants the single life with all the trimming and you waiting in Texas as his support fall back plan ..
Get angry as if I were you I sure would.. I mean how dare he treat you like some wiping mat .. Take control someone needs too.
Ask him the same questions again . If you get the don't know .. Say I don't live on don't know sorry so here what I think you mean haha you will be bonking around and you don't want to tell me .. Well I ain't waiting .. If you don't know after 8 years what you want you never will ..
Then say have fun hope it's all worth it ..
And leave it .. Maybe he does want kids of his own can't fault that and maybe the relationship has just run it's course over it .. But don't wait this out hoping .. It will hurt more long term .
Instead of asking him to make a plan .. As he playing safe at the minute . You make a plan . For you and the kids without him .. When he comes to Texas he stays with friends or a motel . You are not there to meet n greet .. He can see the kids .. Yes ..but if leave it at that
Sorry I know it not the advice you want to hear .. But I'd start focussing outside the relationship n and wouldn't be sleeping with him either no matter the chemistry involved
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2014): Here are the issues I see;
1. Your age ( he apparently cares what society thinks)
2. Infertility
3. Cheating
4. Blurred lines.
Any of the first three could make or break a relationship. A combination of the three poses some difficulties which you seem to have 'survived' so far. Note that I said survived rather than overcome because they are dormant issues festering beneath the surface.
The 4th issue could well turn out to be the straw that broke the camel's back.
If I understand correctly, he is temporarily going to be stationed outside your city. This is fairly common. But how on earth did that propmt you to ask whether he plans to date there? How on earth does someone in a healthy, happy, longterm relationship need to clarify whether their partner expects them to be loyal or not?
If you are having to ask these questions then you are not really in a committed relationship anymore. Do you see what I mean? If a wife is posted to a country indefinitely for work, her husband does not ask her if she intends to cheat. My point is you are already on the separation.
Any 'rules' you make now will be made with the best intentions but love is not regulated by rules. You could decide that neither is allowed to sleep with other people. But this will simply be lip service. Both of you acknowledge that it is an option to date others ( inference from your questions about expectations) and any formal agreement won't really stop either of you turning down the opportunity because in your minds you have one foot in and one foot out of the door.
What I would advise you is to consider this a complete separation. With no contact. It will be incredibly hard but it is the best thing you can do for yourselves. He will be free to sow his wild oats and make up for lost time without feeling guilty or restricted. He will also have the opportunity to really miss you and compare life with you and life without you. He will be in a position to either never speak to you again or propose.
You will be spared the back and forth of him trying to hold onto you while he's also trying to live the fast life. You will be spared the worry of whether he is cheating behind your back or whether he will come back. You will hurt but you will try to move on without him. You will be prepared for the worst case scenario that you never see him again if you officially break up before the move. In the best scenario he will realise his loss and come back to you.
But if you do a trial separation you will hurt each other and know things about each other's single lives that will make it difficult to resume your old relationship
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (5 January 2014):
 I would suggest that the separation not be a "trial", but the end. All of these ground rules, the "what will you be "the "even if we end up with someone else" is all denial. After 8 years, if this is where your relationship is, then it is over, and you should go your separate ways and make the break clean.
You say you're "common law"? Are you sure? In Texas, common law must be established by either filing the license at your courthouse without having a ceremony, or following a three-pronged prerequisite of both agreeing that you are married with a start date (usually the first day of cohabitation), both living together in Texas, and representing to everyone as husband and wife. The fact that you both called him your boyfriend on here as well as you asking for him to make a commitment establishes that you are NOT common law. If you were, you would be as married as anyone who had a formal ceremony and would have zero need to request his commitment because you would have it.
Even your post on here would hold up in court as proof that you are NOT common law in Texas. Whose name is on your house? Are both names on the deed? Are you filing as Married filing separately or jointly with the IRS? Are you and he working and claiming exemptions for you and spouse? If not, then you are not married. One other thing - you describe his livelihood as "he owns his own business". You do realize that if you were common law, you would own that business as well, right?
He is leaving you, unfortunately. The only real ground rule is in regards to your house and the business, any other shared assets, joint bank accounts and investments, and if you have a lot of that going on, you need to talk to a lawyer.
This is the time to move on, not quibble over rules and trials and stuff.
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