A
male
age
30-35,
*epurifymii23
writes:I'm a 22 year old virgin from Pittsburgh region of the US, and I have asperger's syndrome. I recently had a birthday and now I am down on myself again because I made it through another year of my life with not even a kiss and it is so upsetting. I feel like this is holding my whole life back. The whole thing interrupts my focus. Trying to ignore it just makes it come back a week later twice as strong.Over the last few years I tried all of the standard advice I have already been getting, such as PUA, online dating, and joining social and hobbyist clubs. I go to bars pretty often because it is about the only thing to go to around here. Even with all of that I am still in this limbo.I recently fired another councilor because they were using me to get the paycheck, but wasn't helpful in empowering me to fix my life. I already graduated from a technical school a few years ago so I can't use that as an option to socialize. I am employed in the field I studied for, but I am not wealthy from it.I tried asking the people around me what I was doing wrong and they won't give me straight honest answers. They either say there is noting wrong or avoid answering the question at all.I don't care if you wish you was still a virgin, and I don't care if the world ends or not, I don't care if sex is everything or not, I don't want to wait for the right one, I just want to get the monkey off of my back get on with the rest of my life.
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male
reader, depurifymii23 +, writes (7 January 2014):
depurifymii23 is verified as being by the original poster of the question@YouWishWhich hair stylist should I ask out? I go to Supercuts and get a 10 USD buzz cut and have a different stylist every time.I dropped the clubs I dropped because they weren't interested in their stated goal. There were no single women at either of them and there was no chance of them introducing me to them because I was at them for more than a year.I never said I never asked women out, they just all said no when I did. Others didn't even give me their real phone number when I asked.My sister tells me that she couldn't exactly figure out what the problem is when I went out to bars with her.I am still in plenty of hobbyist clubs actively and I am current having this problem right now. The problem clearly has not correlation with the number or the quality of the clubs I am in.I come across as angry, because I am angry. I have been dealing with this kind of stuff and other similar problems for years and I can't find a solution. Somehow it is still my fault, but when I go to the people blaming me for it to get help with my problems to improve myself to the point where I am tailorable to them, they rather not get near me with a ten foot pole or distract me with blatant lies like "just be yourself" or "just talk to people" or "just go to some bars". Where can I go watch some dates? How would watching a fictional big media story like a romantic comedy help me in reality? How would it be any more accurate than some other fictional big media story a pornography?What does it matter how articulate I am if women aren't into that in the first place? Why should I have to study for years to be an expert in body language when I just want to hurry up and lose my virginity and get it out of my mind so I can go back to doing things I would actually want to do?
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (7 January 2014):
 Heh, you should ask your hairdresser out! 50% is outstanding.
You need to ask women you're interested in out. If you've ever fished in your life, you know that standing in a lake doesn't cause the fish to jump into your boat any more than spending time in a bar causes women to jump into your arms and car. You also need to learn patience with others, because communication can't be cut down to the shortest possible route of efficiency.
You also need to learn interest in women. Stop waiting for the flaws to emerge, causing you to criticize and become disillusioned. That's a common refrain I read from your answers to me and everyone - dropping your therapist and not getting another, dropping your clubs because of misunderstandings, writing off your parents and their beliefs, getting irritated at people in your opening posts and showing frustration with the answers you hadn't even gotten yet, and I can go on.
People are going to let you down. That's a fact. All of us have dealt with hardship. I felt for you when you talked about your religious parents. Mine were too, and my mom combined that with an explosive temper (she has since worked on it) and the whippings we got topped 50 swats or higher and sometimes drew blood depending on what we got hit with. (tree branches are awful)
My point is, if you don't ask women out, if you don't take time and are interested in their interests, if you don't get irritated and impatient, you'll cultivate an attraction. You were upset that people in your real life didn't tell you what was wrong.
Did you talk to your sister about this in depth? If you and she are close as you say, take her to a bar or a club or a place you're interested in finding women in and have her observe you talking to girls there from a distance. Have her be brutally honest about your approach, your demeanor, whether you come off as likeable or unlikeable, and don't be afraid to close the deal and ask someone out or at least get a number. Hello and goodbye hugs? Come on, you're articulate and can do better than that. And I know you have feelings, urges, attractions, so keep it simple. Go back to those hobbyist clubs or find new ones if you burned your bridges. Remember, the rules and politics there are irrelevant because you're there to meet women, not play politics.
You come across as angry. I don't take it personally, but understand that most women won't get close with an emotional porcupine that comes off as angry or self-righteous. You may not mean to seem like either, but how often do you smile? How often do you ask the women you are interested in questions about themselves, and then listen, ask follow-up questions and look like what they have to say matters to you?
It would be a good idea for you to observe the body language of guys on dates. I'd say watch a couple of romantic comedies, but I can't stand them and you don't seem the type to be interested in them either. But watch your body language! Even the matter of crossing your arms during talking, clasping hands, crossing legs, putting a hand on your hips as you talk sends out "stay away" or "get lost" signals.
I think you would do well to study body language and its messaging. That deals with being aware of body language, mirroring others' body language to establish rapport and commonality, and being in command with your unspoken messages, which is the majority of your communication with others. Honestly, wouldn't you want to know if whether or not the amount of eye contact you make in a conversation can change how people perceive what you say and whether or not you're interested or are writing them off? Sure you would.
You've put a lot of effort into being articulate in print and verbally. You should add being articulate non-verbally as one of your primary goals, because it would be very helpful to how you come across and would make the difference between "yes" and "no". Many people who are shy or reserved unwittingly come off as being irritated and unapproachable or stuck up.
Good luck to you.
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A
male
reader, depurifymii23 +, writes (6 January 2014):
depurifymii23 is verified as being by the original poster of the question@person12345
I am not shy by any means. I even worked on political campaigns and I imagine that it would be extremely difficult to campaign while shy. I am not sure if I am going to do any campaigning this year because I am still disillusioned with the reaction to last years results.
It could be possible that a bunch of women did like me, but I didn't notice it, although they probably didn't like me that much because none of the them threw themselves at me like you did to your boyfriend. Looking for cues won't work for me because I don't know them intuitively and I can't calibrate to what the cues are until I get some positive results. By that I mean something has to work and turn sexual first before I can go back and match a pattern of cues, otherwise it is all just a bunch of magical thinking.
I am not going to get another therapist if they are going to attempt to sell something debunked like positive thinking as the end all be all to problem solving. It is okay to think positive, but then you have to start trouble shooting or the problems will never get solved.
Lonelyplanet is a travel site, are you sure you didn't mean Wrongplanet. Thinking of that, I may re post the question there if it doesn't get resolved here. Still, I rather not do that because their love and dating sub forums always turns into a chaotic mess and no one agrees on anything. That is probably why I went here first.
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A
male
reader, depurifymii23 +, writes (6 January 2014):
depurifymii23 is verified as being by the original poster of the question@YouWish
1. 2005. I don't see why renewal would be necessary.
2. I don't take any medication. No medication exists to treat asperger's because it requires a complete remapping of the brain. I also have not been diagnosed with anything else.
3. The closes thing I had was hello and good by hugs and that is because I started forcing them. What I suspect what prevents the relationships from happening is the lack of response. I never get any sign from any woman that they would like it to go further. No one has communicated it verbally to me either. The only thing I can assume from that point is that they have no interest.
4. I care a lot about my apprentice. I exercise every day, I make sure my close are clean and ironed, and I color coordinate. I bathe and brush my my teeth on a daily basis. I usually get my hair buzz cut to a Supercut number 2 every month and I tip my hair dresser 50%.
5. I have 25 or so friends or attendances from meet up groups currently depending on how you interpret it. I done things with outside of meetup with 5 of them or so. As of the 5, not a singe one of them was a single woman.
6. I have a sister 12 years older than me and we are close to each other.
7. My relationship with my parents is poor. I feel that they abusive. I am currently living with them, but moving away from them is in the top 5 things I need to do soon but is well out prioritized my this. They are religious Christians, but I quit the church in 2005 because of the god of the gaps controversy around intelligent design. They also use my asperger's as an excuse for their behavior. They used to spank me before I was big enough to resist it. Otherwise they are okay to talk to.
8. I went to the government school. I was picked on in school, but it ended when I started to troll the bullies in high school. I played other sports in lower grades, but I only did track and field in high school for the first two years. I was the President of the Chemistry club and I was am member of the computer science club.
9. I get accused of being insensitive some times, but nearly every time I have been accused of that people has to stretch the facts and build straw men to get there. I quite a few hobbyist clubs because of misunderstandings. Mostly because I misunderstood that the stated goals wasn’t the real goal of the club and I didn't want to waste time playing petty political games like Robert's rules of order for no reason.
10. I say my overall interaction with people to be positive. I am a pessimist. I like not having the wrong facts, but I don't need to be right all of the time.
Okay @YouWish, we played a half a game of 20 questions, now please don't derail this. Focus on helping me get out of the limbo, not spattering me with Ad hominem telling me why I deserve to be in limbo.
Thank you.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (5 January 2014):
 My boyfriend has AS so perhaps I can be of some help.
For my boyfriend by far his biggest obstacle to overcome was that he was completely incapable of picking up signals from girls that they were interested. So his whole life he went around thinking no one was interested, when the truth was many were interested, but he just had no clue. I threw myself at him for a good month before I wound up having to ask him out. So with your next therapist, that is something you need to talk about. Are there really no women interested or are you misinterpreting their signals? AS means you WILL struggle with signals so you need to go out of your way to learn consciously what signals you would get, how to interpret them, and how to proceed.
Another thing to be conscious of is that many people with AS are very shy. So make sure you are putting yourself out there and approaching women. Buy someone a drink, try striking up a conversation, etc...
You should head on over to a forum called lonelyplanet. They can give lots of good tips on dating while you have AS.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2014): I tried asking the people around me what I was doing wrong and they won't give me straight honest answers. They either say there is noting wrong or avoid answering the question at all.
That's pretty bad. It means they know the real reason but don't want to say it to your face. There is nothing wrong
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (5 January 2014):
I have some questions to ask you, because while it would be easy to give you standard advice, I don't think it would be enough in this case. I'm hoping you will follow up with clarifying information, because since I can't see you or talk to you or get a feel for your presence, so to speak, I'm at a disadvantage.
1. When were you diagnosed with Asperger's? Have you had a renewal of that diagnosis into your adulthood, because many kids who were diagnosed tend to improve with age, causing a good percentage of them to no longer meet the criteria going into adulthood.
2. Do you take medication for either the AS itself or any other physical or mental issues (i.e. anxiety, schizophrenia, depression)?
3. What is the closest you ever got to entering a relationship or to become physical, and what prevented it from happening?
4. How much care do you take in your appearance? Hygiene, Clothes, hair, fashion, posture, physical fitness?
5. How many platonic friends do you have? Do you have a best friend? Do you have any platonic friends who are female?
6. Do you have brothers or sisters? If you do, are you close to them and are any adults?
7. How is your relationship with your parents? Are you on your own, or do you still live with them? Do you live with a roommate if you're on your own?
8. Were you picked on in school, or were you a school bully? Did you belong to any extracurricular activities in high school or college, like sports, academic clubs or band/AV/yearbook? Because you had AS, were you homeschooled or in special education?
9. Do people tend to take what you say wrong? Have you ever been accused of making an insensitive remark, or joked about something inappropriately, or broke a friendship based on a misunderstanding?
10. Would you say your interactions with people you know are positive or negative? Are you a complainer or a debater (always needing to be right) or a criticizer?
That's it for now. I wonder if your issue isn't empathy. Your demeanor in print comes off as intelligent, but crisp and a bit abrupt especially your last paragraph. I'm not saying that it's wrong, and I know you're really frustrated. But I wonder if you're that crisp in person, which can be off-putting to people. Also, I know that AS deals with empathy in some people, and that is something you need when it comes to women. If connecting emotionally doesn't come easy, then you're at a disadvantage, because reading people and connecting emotionally is like a sixth sense you need in dating. To not possess that and being too focused on self while communicating is like being blind or hearing-impaired. I'm not saying you can't connect, but it may be a matter of seeing what other senses you have that can compensate with.
I hope to hear a follow up so I can be more accurate.
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