A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I need to find a better way to argue. My boyfriend and I are doing great but we have a problem when it comes to arguments. I am a very emotional person, he is not in the slightest. Which makes things difficult at times. I feel a lot and sometimes since he doesn't, I feel like he doesn't care about me. For example I could sit there for hours and go on about how much I love him and why. He is capable only of saying "I love you too". It isn't him to be an emotional, passionate person. Which I am used to. But every now and then because of this I need reassurance that he does love me and care (since he doesn't show it in the way I do sometimes I can't see it at all). The problem is when I say "I don't feel like you care" he will say "I do care", and then I will say "I just feel like you don't" (which is just how I feel sometimes and I need reassurance otherwise). But then he will shut down and say- I told you I cared. If that doesn't help you then I don't know what to do.- he will also get upset with me because he feels that I am attacking him when I bring this up because I know he isn;t emotional but I don't accept his answer so it's an attack. And also like I am insulting him.The way I feel when this happens is that I simply need reassurance but he is only willing to tell me 3 words and if I am not ok then oh well and he gives up, making me feel like he cares even less about me, like I'm not worth the effort of making me feel better. Like he only cares about feeling uncomfortable. And then he says I am a hypocrite because I only care about how I feel and not his feelings of uncomfortability. And the whole time I am confused as hell because I don't get how I am attacking him or insulting him at all. I just want to hear that he cares about me, how he knows he does, or why. I also feel that I bring up how I feel because I want to talk, I don't want to argue at all, and I feel like he starts the argument by shutting down and saying I am attacking him then I get mad and it spirals from there. (not into anything physical, just spirals from a discussion to a fight.) And he says I start the argument by not accepting his answer, etc.Since we came to the conclusion of why he shuts down when him saying "I do care" doesn't solve everything (he feels insulted) now I am trying to come up with a way that I can get my point across without being insulting to him and vice versa. Basically a better way of communicating how I feel. It has gotten to the point where I keep things to myself more and try and reassure myself, just sometimes I need to hear it from him too. But when I bring it up it usually ends up being worse because I feel that he doesn't care for whole new reasons now. I hope I made sense with all of this. I feel like we have great communication still in a way since we were able to get the point across of why we act the way we do in an argument, I just wantthe argument to go better next time so I can feel that he cares still and he can not feel attacked, so we can communicate and not have it turn into a fight in the first place. Any advice is appreciated and once again I hope I made sense. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, dirtball +, writes (19 November 2010):
 Glad to help and thank you for the follow up! Again, great job on the communication. Since he's not used to that, it will take some time for him to adjust, but you'll both be happier in the long run. Best wishes.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for all the advice. Dirtball had great advice. I actully discussed what you said with my boyfriend just now, the feeling attacked part, and he agreed that is why he feels attacked. I agree with you also that communication is the most important part of a relationship. That's why I always talk and am open about how I feel. I'm incapable of keeping problems to myself. I just wanted a better way to bring things up so he isn't upset. He never had good communication in any relationship so when I want to talk about things it's fairly new to him. I've always been open in every relationship. And I read a few links and agree once again with your post about people on here who complain about problems yet don't discuss them. And I always think "how about asking him what you are asking us??" It seems sad to me that people date yet don't talk to each other. And charliesdevil73, I've actually done what you said. I let him know a few weeks ago that I like to hear I love you more often and now it is very sweet when he tries. I make sure to tell him I appreciate him also. So thank you everyone. I understand a bit better where he is coming from now since he couldn't explain it as well. And I will try and present thoughts better so he doesn't feel that he isn't good enough. Thanks again.
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A
female
reader, charliesdevil73 +, writes (18 November 2010):
 First of all, dirtball has some very good points. And, I agree with him that trystrikers04 is giving you bad advice. No ultimatums please, that can ruin a relationship.
Second, I have been in your position. I felt that my man didn't say he loved me enough. I felt that I was initiating all the time and he never was. What did I do? Exactly what dirtball recommends. I told him that I like it when he says "I love you" to me, but I wish he would say it more. I told him that as much as I like the physical displays of affection, I like the verbal just as much. And now, I hear it a lot more often. Although, I am not the type of woman who needs to hear it everyday, and I did tell him that. I think that saying it everyday becomes routine and the words will lose their meaning.
Lastly, men and women show affection differently and therefore like displays of affection differently as well. Just because he's not verbalizing it to you as much as you want, doesn't mean he isn't telling you in another way. Men supposedly feel more loved through kisses, back rubs, or other hands on approaches. Where women like the verbal more than the hands on. So, your man may think he's doing right. He may not understand why you need the verbal versus the physical. Try to explain and then communicate to him that you will compromise by not asking for it, or even verbalizing it yourself so often. Because even though you are initiating it, you're are asking for a response. I only say it or hear it 2-3 a week at most. But, my fiance does little things that I know, to him, mean the same thing as the words. Good luck, I hope you two can come to a good compromise on this.
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (18 November 2010):
One more thought that I forgot to include. I apologize for the multiple posts. He feels attacked because you're telling him what he's doing isn't good enough for you when he's doing his best. That's why you need to reassure him when you talk that you know he loves you and cares for you. Tell him you don't want to fight, and in order to work through this you two need to talk it out. You can control the tone of the conversation.
Good luck and I promise not to weigh in any more until you post a follow up. :-)
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (18 November 2010):
Sorry trystrikers04, the "if you loved me" thing is crap and doesn't work. Then walking away isn't solving anything. You're not communicating, you're giving an ultimatum. Learn how to address it correctly and it won't lead to a fight. Maybe you should try what I suggest as well.
A little more reading for you.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/what-ever-happened-to-communication.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/if-you-really-loved-me-you-will.html
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (18 November 2010):
Ok, I'm glad you're here asking about this. It shows you communicate and understand the importance of communication. Now you need to start educating yourself in the differences between male and female communication.
He sounds like the type of guy who's uncomfortable discussing the things that you want him to. In time he may come around, but it will take quite a bit of time. Usually guys like this will try to demonstrate their affection instead of verbalizing it. Does he do little things for you to brighten your day? Does he try to fix problems that you talk about or offer solutions? I ask because these are signs of affection that can be confusing if you're not watching for them.
When you talk to him about this, tell him that you know he cares about you. Don't ask him if he does. You KNOW he does. Then tell him that you just wish he would tell you more often. Tell him that you don't doubt his love, but you need the reassurance fairly regularly. That he should initiate the "I love you's" some of the time. And that it would make your day if he told you "I love you because _________." Then tell him that you don't expect this over night, but you hope that he can try to do this for you because it is something you need. Then reassure him that you know he loves and cares about you.
You also need to work on your insecurity. Don't always ask for this kind of reassurance. If he didn't love you, he wouldn't be with you. He will not be comfortable expressing what you want, and it will be awkward for him at first. If he makes an attempt, show that you're grateful thereby reinforcing the behavior. Don't push for more. Tell him it made your day. At the same time work on needing less of this yourself. This is because relationships need to have compromise. Meet somewhere in the middle with him making more effort to do what you want and you making more effort to not need so much reassurance.
On a more general note, you should read some of the articles by Dr. Deborah Tannen. She is one of the leading researchers in communication styles specializing on the differences between male and female communication. Here is a link to one article.
http://www.shelton.cc.al.us/userfiles/File/faculty/a%20wible/scan0001.pdf
It's scanned so the quality isn't the best, but it covers some of the stuff that is affecting you.
I wrote quite a bit so I'll sumarize my advice for you. Reassure him you know he loves you instead of asking. Then explain what you hope he will do and why it's important to you. Reassure him again. Tell him that you'll try to be less needy of such affirmations, but it will take time and that you realize it will take time for him as well. Give him some examples of what you're hoping for. Reflect on things he may do already to show his love without saying it. Research communication styles so you can better understand how to reach eachother.
Good luck and I'm very glad to see you working on your communication. It's the most important part of your relationship.
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A
female
reader, trystrikers04 +, writes (18 November 2010):
this is the same exact thing with me and my boyfriend. i know excactly how you feel. my advice; just tell him that if he really did care, he would take the time to ytell you. And if he starts arguing again, just say ok well i gtg bye or just get off the subject. its much better than arguig believe me
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