A
female
age
36-40,
*lr85
writes:Rewind to a year and a half ago. I met a really great man when I went out with a friend who was in town. I am a teacher and am in the process of adopting my foster daughter who I have had since birth. Before I met him, we were happy and I felt really great about myself. (She just turned 3) Me and this guy hit it off really fast and things were really intense. He was great to my child, great to me and was always going out of his way to show us that he loved us both. This made me feel comfortable about him moving in after 7 months even though I'm kicking myself in the butt now. He moved into my very small townhome. He was a drinker to begin with but once he moved in, his drinking increased to 4 nights a week and it wasn't just a few beers.. it is drinking until he's totally hammered. I can tell that he became depressed and he stopped wanting to come home. Life with a child and a new puppy was way more stressful than he expected. I feel bad because I wasn't very understanding at the time that he went from having as much freedom as he wanted to squeezing into a 1200 sq. ft. home with a baby and a lab puppy. It's like he immediately was pushed into a father role (not because of me but because it is naturally how my child began to see him). Through all of this he was still very good to her. The sex between us stopped as well as the showing me that he cared. His work requires him to work on the weekends and he is a HUGE football fan and devotes his Sundays to football.. which I tried to be understanding about but I began to hate football when he was already giving us so little of his time. It's like we had become married and he began resenting us. After the sex stopped, I started nit-picking at him. The sad part is that when he did start trying harder to give me what I needed after a big talk, I still nit-picked at him and pushed him away. Ultimately, his bachelor-esque choices and my neurotic nagging, we both decided he needed to move out. Then 2 days before he was set to do so though, I changed my mind and promised him I could change and had a really yucky, weak, let's face it pathetic moment and begged him to stay. Since then we've only had minimal contact regarding the dog that he took with and is now getting rid or (or has gotten rid of). I'm being respectful of his time and I'm not going to contact him. However, it's sad because when he left, he told me that he really loves me and my daughter. It's sad because we didn't break up for lack of love. We just moved too fast and it drove us apart. My question for you, while I know you will only be able to give me a shot in the dark answer, is this save-able in the future? Have you ever seen a couple bounce back from this? I'm not going to dwell on him. I will date if the situation arises. I just want to know.. if we get in touch in a few months, is it something that can be spared? Do you think he hates me? He still has some stuff on my porch that he needs to get and he has my daughter's car seat in his car. We will have to meet at some point. Is he hanging onto those things for a reason? He could dump them on my front porch at any time. He could grab his stuff off the porch at any time. When we did talk a few weeks ago (it ended very badly) I asked if we would ever see each other again and he said maybe some day down the road. He called me drunk after the superbowl (he doesn't remember I'm guessing) He was calling me baby and babe. I know he misses us :( He said we will talk again and when I suggested us trying again down the road he told me it won't matter.. things won't change. His family has gotten in touch with me and told me how angry they are with him and that hopefully after some time of being selfish, he'll realize what he left behind but that he needs to realize how important we are before we try again otherwise it will be the same cycle. I know some of you will say I shouldn't want him back but the unfortunate fact is that I do want him back. I miss him :( My daughter misses him. Will time help?
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female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (30 March 2014):
Hi there. He has battled with depression in the past, and how he handles things going wrong, is to drink, as this helps to numb his feelings and helps him to escape things for a little while.
And being that he comes from a family where alcoholism exists, he has learned to deal with problems by turning to alcohol himself.
And he has found it helps him to forget about things.
Even just as a self medicating form of treating depression, it works the same way.
It seems to be a pattern of behaviour for him, and it helps him to cope.
What needs to happen for him, is that he finds a different way to deal with his problems - instead of just escaping all the time.
He has probably been used to a lot of freedom without any responsibility up until when he met you, and being able to do whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted.
And once he moved in with you, there was a certain amount of expectation by you, that he share the responsibility with you which then meant he wouldn't be able to come and go as he pleases.
And I am guessing that the pressure on him felt immense.
And for a young single man, that is a BIG change in the prime of your life.
Apparently, he wasn't ready for what that meant in real terms, on a day to day basis.
It was the right thing for him to move out, as things would only have escalated more than they already were.
And you had to think about the safety and wellbeing of your daughter, as well as yourself.
Sometimes, people who are out of control in their own lives, can become abusive and violent, and so it could have been asking for trouble to allow him to stay living with you both.
It does seem now that it could be a waste of your valuable time to ask him to come back and try and work things out.
The problem seems to be more about him and how he deals with responsibility and changed circumstances.
And the answer to that, is not very well.
Or so it seems.
Even though he says that he loves you and your daughter very much, he just isn't ready for a life of settling down just yet.
Maybe in years to come - 5-10 years perhaps - and then again, maybe NEVER.
You deserve much more than this man could ever give you.
I really believe, that the depression he has, is an ongoing thing for him, and he has good days and bad days.
Depression doesn't really ever go away by itself.
It usually needs proper monitoring, and lifestyle changes as well.
First and foremost, he needs to work out what he really wants from life.
Plus, what makes him happy and what doesn't.
And if he then can start on an ongoing plan for himself, to deal with how he feels, well then he will be able to cope with whatever curveballs, life throws at him.
Unfortunately, you can't help him with this.
Only HE can do this, and no-one else.
The ball is in his court.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (30 March 2014):
 Kids are resilient. They takes thing is stride, it's always harder for us grown up to move on.
However, when you are ready to date the next guy I would wait a good 6-12 months before introducing them (your daughter and your date) to void that in the future.
And you can do it. Just take it one day at the time. Journal it if you need to. It's a great outlet and 6 months from now you can read it and shake your head :) Just don't let it fester, and don't start to doubt yourself.
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A
female
reader, alr85 +, writes (29 March 2014):
alr85 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks :( The rational part of my brain knows these things. The part of my brain that feels like a major body part is missing is having a hard time with this. I was very honest with my daughter and she knows he's not coming back and that he has a new house. She's accepted it and she's not sad about it. He was just like a dad to her though so it's going to take building a lot of new memories devoid of him for his memory to fade.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (29 March 2014):
He knows he messed up a good thing, that is why he dropped of the radar (my guess).
And I think it's OK to miss him and to wish things had been different, but after a while you have to accept that HE wasn't IT for you. And that it DOESN'T reflect BADLY on you. This would have happened even if you two hadn't moved in together, even if you hadn't gotten a dog..... He is not "mentally healthy" and has been able to hide it from most people. Living together tends to bring all that out in the open, same with bad habits.
I would just tell your daughter that he had to move away and you properly won't see him again. Eventually she will accept that and move on too. Redirection. Every time she mention him just move on to another subject.
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A
female
reader, alr85 +, writes (29 March 2014):
alr85 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI did tell him not to get in touch with me anymore. That's why he said he wouldn't text me anymore and he was sorry. I do wonder sometimes if I'm just feeling sorry for him or sorry for myself but for the most part, I just genuinely miss him. His buddy's girlfriend told me he basically fell off the radar. It doesn't help that my daughter mentions him daily. I don't want her to feel negative about the situation so she's just working this out in her own way. As much as I want to tell her to stop talking about him because it hurts, I would never do that.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (29 March 2014):
He doesn't seem capable of relationships.
I would tell him that you want no further contact. Because being IN contact with him DOES NOTHING for you, other then remind you that it didn't work out. And as much as you seem to blame yourself (and you really shouldn't) the less contact the better.
YOU didn't do this to him. HE did.
Next time, I'd wouldn't talk about moving in as a option til at least 12 months in. And I'd be damn sure the guy isn't a flake before introducing him to my child.
Stop feeling sorry for him and move on.
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A
female
reader, alr85 +, writes (29 March 2014):
alr85 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUpdate: We have only been in contact a few times since I posted this. He took our dog. He called me one night a few weeks ago telling me he couldn't handle her anymore with his work schedule so he had to drop her off to my house. When he dropped her off, he told me thanks for taking care of her and then patted her on the head and told her bye girl. He looked so sad. When he walked out the door I said "wait" He looked at me and said I can't, I have to go. When he got home he texted me and said he was sorry about the way he left but he's so bummed about how everything turned out. Since then he texted me for a whole weekend asking about the dog. At some point in there I had sent him an email telling him that even though life is good, it feels unnatural without him and I missed him. Whenever we've talked, he's been short but respectful. I know he's hurting. Then the weekend after that he texted me that he missed me and my daughter and hoped we were well.I texted him a few days later asking if he wanted to meet up for coffee and he texted me some bullshit short response. I called him out on it and told him it wasn't fair for him to say that he misses me and then be so cold and short with me when i try to have a conversation. He said "We are different people. We don't have anything in common and it just didn't feel right anymore. I'm sorry and I won't text you again." That stung like a b*tch. I know his message is loud and clear but I can't help but wonder if when the smoke clears and he will remember how great things used to be. I know I need to move on, and I really have. I've gone on dates and my life with my daughter is good and full. I just can't help but feel like we're not really over but his pride is keeping him away. We haven't spoken in 20 days. I know no one here is a mind reader but doesn't anyone have any advice on where to go next? I'm not going to contact him for at least another month if at all. I just miss him :(
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (10 February 2014):
 I don't think you should WANT to save this if it is saveable.
You have a daughter now. You have to put her first , and do the best you can do for her.
I don't think, frankly, the best you can do for her is letting her grow with an alcoholist . I think that you can do better for her and for herself , than choosing a mate that needs to be NAGGED constantly to act as a responsile caring partner and do the normal stuff that an average family man will do without too much pushing and prodding.. It's like it's all about him- the house is too small, he feels cramped ( are you kidding ? 1200 sq.ft. ? Maybe you live in California- everywhere else is considered fit for a family of four ). And he needs to watch his football..and he is depressed... and life with a child is hard... Pardon me, but what a whiny brat. You need a real man, not a sulky teenager inside a man's body.
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A
female
reader, Keeley345  +, writes (10 February 2014):
No one can tell you 100% if it is saveable. It is possible is all I can say. Every relationship is different. You seem to have acknowledged that you moved to fast etc and that's great. If you do get back together you'll be able to learn from the past mistakes made. But for now...do nothing. There is a LOT of water under the bridge by that I mean alot has been said and done between you, so it's best to give each other space. He sounds like he loves you but for now you've got to love yourself and your child. There is a little person involved who needs your love and attention.Time and distance are wonderful healers and will allow you to both assess your feelings and decide on the future. But for now...take a deep breath and try to relax. You'll worry yourself into an early grave over this. Let nature take care of things. You've done what you can. How much more or anything else do you think you could do?
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A
female
reader, alr85 +, writes (10 February 2014):
alr85 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe just texted me. I think he was surprised when I didn't contact him after he moved out. He asked "Hey are you guys doing ok?" As if we wouldn't be capable of functioning without him. It's like he could sense I got some good advice and was ready to move forward. I guess it answers my question about whether he thinks about us or not. I just responded and said "Yeah we're doing good." I wasn't going to respond but I don't want him to have the satisfaction of thinking that I'm upset to the point that I'm childishly ignoring him. I really do feel ready to move on. Thank you guys for making me see how ridiculous it was to take the blame for problems that weren't mine.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (10 February 2014):
I get that you nagged about the drinking, I mean what MOTHER wouldn't?
I also get that you feel responsible for what happened and maybe you had part blame in it, but you DIDN'T make him depressed, you DIDN'T make him turn to drinking. My guess is he had those problem BEFORE you two moved in but you didn't SEE them as you didn't live together.
You can not take responsibility for things you DIDN'T create. Depression and alcoholism was PREVIOUS issues that affected HIM - it didn't affect you (because you didn't spend time with him 24/7)
You can not take responsibility for things you can't fix. Again depression and alcoholism are two things that YOU CAN'T FIX for another person. THEY need to accept it and seek help. You can support it, but only so far, because they HAVE to have a WILLINGNESS to change that. He clearly states that he won't change in the future.
It's NOT about YOU not being good enough of a GF to make him stop drinking, commit and get help for the depression. Don't OWN his baggage.
I also get that you love the man and want him to not hurt, but again, HIS problems needs to be "fixed" by him. He might not be willing to admit that they ARE problems and thus he won't go see a doctor about depression and join AA about the alcoholism. So WHAT exactly can you do?
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (10 February 2014):
 You sound very understanding to me. For him, you need not only be understanding, but tolerating, forgiving and forgetting your own needs. Whether it is savable depends on how flexible you are, if you could bend over backwards to accommodate such stressful transition to his life. Yes I am being sarcastic.
Puppies are hard to train at first but once they settle in, get used to eliminating schedules then they are a true joy. Getting pets and keeping them is a test of endurance. He failed you, the child and the dog. He let y'all down.
Saying you moved too fast sounds like you are trying to blame the problem on yourself. You both felt comfortable with the idea, so it doesn't have to be anyone's fault. He underestimated the amount of work required in a family. Maybe this is the first time he moved out from his family? I feel you've done enough so you have to relax. It's him who has to decide whether love is worth the sacrifice on the freedom part. He doesn't hate you and he knows that a relationship is give and take. There is no definite answer. He could say sorry, he's going to be a better man or he could say you deserve better than this.
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A
female
reader, alr85 +, writes (10 February 2014):
alr85 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you and I appreciate your feedback. Those are the things I need to hear. I wish I could fit everything that's happened over the past 2 years into here but no one would read it, lol. He struggled with depression before we start dating, I think his feeling of suffocation was just a catalyst in making it worse. He also has alcoholism in his family. I know he has some issues he needs to deal with but instead of supporting him through them, I nagged him about them. I guess I'm dealing with my own feelings of guilt over this too. If some day down the road I feel he's serious about wanting to change, I still wouldn't reintroduce him to my child. I hate that he has hurt her so badly. It wasn't just me that was affected. It's just hard because I know he is hurting, too. I just wish it was enough to want to change.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (10 February 2014):
I don't think it was too fast. He KNEW you had a child, I ASSUME he had seem your place and knew how little it was. He JUST wasn't able to commit to the whole "family" thing outside of occasionally.
Do I think he could do better if you tried again? I don't know, but the biggest problem with trying again is that you HAVE a past with him that isn't so great, his track record as a partner/ "step-dad" was rather sucky. Instead of moving out, he "just" started to drink, detach himself sexually and emotionally from you, and stay away from the home. So you also know how he deals with "stress" or unfamiliar situations.
If you DO start seeing him again I would say DO NOT re-introduce him to your daughter for at least 12 months of dating. TIL you feel comfortable that he isn't going to pull one of his old stunts.
I think you ALSO need to LOOK at his actions they MATCH his words. He told you he doesn't want to TRY again because it will end up like it did before. You know why? BECAUSE he doesn't WANT to change. No matter how much you LOVE him HE WILL NOT CHANGE - so my suggestion is to let him live his life and YOU find yourself another life partner.
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female
reader, mrs lynch +, writes (10 February 2014):
 Hello
I am sensing your loss on this one and i feel like i want to say stop blaming yourself!You are saying that you want him back so the question is how are you feeling right now?
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