A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi guysApologies in advance for this mammoth of an essay!I broke up with my girlfriend 2 years ago. It was a mutual thing (we realised we had different ambitions and priorities) and we managed to remain friends afterwards, even meeting up a few times. For me, it was easy enough to do, as the intimacy and physical contact in our relationship had long gone (we had had sex once in the last 6 months of our relationship) so I felt like not a lot had changed as a result of our break up. I would still talk to her in a similar way, minus the obvious stuff of course, and I sort of had this cutesy way of talking to her which we both found amusing and she seemed ok with me continuing to talk to her like that at times after we broke up.I then moved away and she went travelling but we remained in contact through messaging and again, I would sometimes say the odd thing in that cutesy talk (sorry, that's the only word I can think of to describe it!), even on phone calls as well and she seemed ok with it. We would often talk about things we had done together and joked about various things including some sex stuff.Then, about this time last year, I noticed she stopped responding to it and seemed to become quite distance, short and abrupt. I assumed it was because she had met a guy, which I was ok with. It took a bit of time for her to confirm that she now had a boyfriend and not long after she had, she said her boyfriend thought it was weird we still spoke and the reason she had changed her tone was because she thought I wasn't over her. I told her that wasn't true (which is the truth!) and I stopped talking to her in the way I used to at that point and all seemed to be ok after that and she even asked to meet up when she returned to the UK briefly a few months ago. I couldnt meet her as I had just had surgery, but she met up with my mum who she always got on well with and had been emailing sporadically. I then was able to meet up with her later and we got on great, messaging before and after the meet quite regularly. She then returned to her travels and almost immediately became short and distant again. She then said once again that her boyfriend found it strange we messaged and that he didnt understand why we do. I asked her at that point why she did still do it then and she said she didnt know. She said she then agreed with him that its a bit strange and that she wouldnt like it if he was messaging one of his ex's. I told her I message her because she is a friend, and like any other friend, I'm interested in what she is up to. We havnt spoken since that conversation and it really annoyed me that she seems to have changed her tune so dramatically and seemingly under his influence. I'm not saying I should take priority but I don't see why ex's cant talk to each other in circumstances like ours. It's not like anyone cheated, in which case there might still be feelings there or anything like that, and I've told her repeatedly that we were good friends but not a good couple which she seemed to agree with. It makes me think she has painted me in a bad light to her boyfriend or not been honest with him about how it ended. Obviously, I don't care what he thinks of me, but I do care about losing a friend. Am I right to be annoyed about this?
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (4 June 2015):
 Yes, .. and not to be nitpicking, but ...that would mean that you have continued talking in a cozy, intimate and inappropriate way for one whole year or more, AFTER you had broken up. It takes two to tango, so she did wrong too in allowing a kind of behaviour and language that does not belong to PLATONIC friends , and in not not cutting it short right off the bat. But, yes, this IS strange.
It may be difficult to have to learn instantly another way ro relate to someone you have been so close to- but ,people has to do it, and DO it,all the time. Just think of all those who get involved with a work colleague or boss ( and that's also why office rimance is a bad idea to begin with )then they break up and have to go back from " sweetums " and " cuddlepuss " to just " John " and " Mary " or, worse, Dr. Smith and Miss Jones.
It seems it took a while for this transition to happen in your case- and only when it was instigate by her and she started being curt and cold shouldering you. So, if you ask me, yes your FRIENDSHIP itself sounded a teensy weensy questionable- but never mind me . That actually is not my point , whch is... are you sure, and true to yourself, when you say you aren't still carrying a torch for this girl ?.
Now, don't get mad OP :)- just follow the reasoning :
ours is all guess work, of course .You have your theory ( that she has been somehow corced into dropping you ) and I have mine ( that hse just outgrew you, -out of sight out of mind, - there's a limit on how much you can care if an EX got a new dog or car etc.etc... ).
Now, your guess is as good as mine, better in fact ,because you know her and I don't. So, let's admit that her current bf has something, or a lot, to do, with her decision to drop you .
And ?... Why is this even a problem , OP ? The issue seem to loom large in your mind, it seems you are making big efforts to understand it and digest it , rather than shrugging it off. BUT!, you weren't that close friends to begin with - I mean, she is involved in other stuff, she is traveling all the time, she is not constant daily part of your life and plans, - you are just texting friends, or messaging friends- and , not that much, as for that- if she is just 7th or 8th in your list.
So why all this hard effort to figure her out, when you have AT LEAST 6 ot 7 people you care about more ? Are you really SO empathic and warm hearted to REALLY want to partecipate in the life of each and any of your acquaintances ?
I mean, if you are a nice guy , yes, of course you'll be there to offer your ear to a person who's going through bad times, even if it's one year you haven't seen them. Or, to share their joy for some particular event, if they choose to tell you. But, other than that, do you really,really CARE to know if everybody in your list, and in your social circle, got themselves a new dog or a new car etc... ? To the point of feeling offended if they don't inform you, or keep it short ? I can't think of a nicer wau to say it, but, erm, at your age you've got all this time on your hands,...to worry if the 8th in line in the list of your " most frequent " show signs, for whatever reason, of having lost interest in your occasional chitchats ?....
WHY ? If any... that would be a positive :). More time to speak with your TRUE friends, rather than spreading it thin among "social" friends.
You sound rather hurt and upset about this little mystery, and I think you will say , no I am not, I am just CURIOUS to solve it. But, are you still curious ,also after everybody told you there's NO mystery : she a ) either went off your situational friendship and moved on, it happens a lot ;or also b ) decided that is more important to please her suspicious bf than to keep your dialogues going. Which may be the WRONG decisison, I don't debate that- but , it's not that hard to understand, I'd say it is intuitive.
So, have you asked yourself why you can't wrap your head about it ... and most of all why you NEED to wrap your head about it ?....
Rather than JUST shrug it off with : "ah, so my EIGHT " best friend " went off me,that's life, I suppose " ?
A
female
reader, jls022 +, writes (4 June 2015):
OP the fact of the matter is this - her current relationship does and should take priority over any friendship she has with you. You might not like it and you might not think it necessary from the point of view that there is nothing between the two of you now, but if her boyfriend is uncomfortable with your friendship then it's already having a negative effect on her relationship.
She quite rightly put that first and took steps to fix the issue. It actually proves she is a good and loyal girlfriend. I agree with Honeypie that this seems like a case of hurt pride - you know rationally that you are not her first priority now, but it's not nice to be the one who loses when she was asked to choose. It's just one if those things OP, it hurts but sometimes we can't keep certain people in our lives.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2015): As I said, I no longer talk like that with her and havnt done for well over a year. When I say we talked about sex, it was one night when we were both drunk about 18 months ago or so. Since then I have talked to her in the same way I talk to any of my friends. As for how many times I've messaged her, I'd say she is probably 7th or 8th on my list in terms of frequency.
She is the only proper girlfriend I've had so I can't really compare it to others ex's but the only other girl who I sort of went out with for a few weeks, I also still talk to on occasion.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (4 June 2015):
 Why can't exes talk to each other? Oh, they can, but generally talking "cutesy" and talking about the SEX you used to have, is crossing the line from friendship and into that gray area of "exes talking".
I understand why her boyfriend doesn't like it. Sounds like you're not over her. Tell me, how many of your other friends do you message as much as you message her? Be honest. Look in your inbox/messages on your phone. Count how many are from her/to her, and how many are to your other friends?
If you do message them all the same, are talk cutesy and about the sex you had with them, to all your friends, then I stand corrected. You simply have a different idea of friendship than most others.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (3 June 2015):
 Maybe it is a LITTLE bit about hurt pride here? She rather DUMP you as a friend than make her BF feel uncomfortable?
She has to do what's RIGHT for her, and if that means NO LONGER being friends with you, there really isn't much you can do.
For some friendships come and go. For her.. well, the friendship with you was LESS of a priority than her BF.
There is much here to understand, ONLY for you to accept it. Doesn't mean you have to like it, but it is what it is.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2015): Hi,OP.she wants to end it=let her. It's not that you can do anything about it anyway.I understand why you feel hurt and I'd feel the same way,but... you haven't answered any of my previous questions (re: reverse situation with a male friend of yours).As to being totally ok with your current beau being friends with exes-yes, I'm like that too. It doesn't bother me.What I'm trying to say is- NOT everyone is like us. You should be able to understand that?Also, in my case-the ex does NOT need be in trouble for me to be ok with current beau+ ex. Them being friends is REASON enough for me, no other explanations needed.ps: also to whoever said that implies you did NOT love the person-phluuuease. To the other anon-surely you can recognise that say love between mother and child is different from love between a wife and her husband? Does one type of love invalidate the other in your opinion? I love my friends too,but not like I love my bf.Yes,I agree not everybody can handle it,but we can't recommend "one type fits all" type of solution simply coz in 90% of the cases it works the other way round.The situation needs to be assessed on its own merits.In this case, in my humble opinion=let the friend go. She was not a TRUE friend, she was just your friend till somebody else came in the picture and is none of your business how she handles her relationships OR how her bf should behave.Again,if you replace her with a male friend of yours and he dropped you coz his new beau insisted he does? What sorta friend is that??
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2015): Original Poster here again.Just to clarify as I think there might be a bit of confusion here which is probably because I didn't explain it right: I no longer talk to her in that way. I haven't talked to her about sex or other cutesy stuff for well over a year. When I talked to her it's just the kind of usual stuff friend talk about. Additionally I do believe that our break up was about as mutual as things come. We both knew it wasn't a relationship and that we were different people. I have thought about how I would feel and the fact is I know it wouldn't bother me if it was the other way round. I dated a girl for a whlie who was in touch with her ex because he was going through a bad time and I was totally fine about it. She explained the reason for it and I believed get. End of. I also think that if he is confused by it she could explain it to him and let him know that our relationship wasn't really a relationship. I feel like she hasn't done that or if she has, he isn't very understanding. I also don't buy the thing about friendships fizzling out in this situation. We were getting on great until a few weeks ago and now she has actively seeked out to pretty much end the friendship. It's not like she hasn't replied which I would sort of be more understanding of.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (3 June 2015):
Sorry but I think in THIS particular case her bf has all the right to " pass judgement "- or at least to make no bones about the fact that your interaction makes him uncomfortable.
" Cutesy " language with your ex ; because you are friends ? Who talks " cutesy " to their platonic friends ?! Cutesy is for lovers. Changing the role in each other 's life, - language has to adjust too, including cute nicknames and sweet wispered nothings... Ditto for sex talk. Maybe sex that you had together- and the new bf should be fine with that in the name of you and his Gf's old friendship ?! I think you are really expecting too much from the poor guy. One does not need to be Othello to find this scenario unappealing,
unnecessary and, well, in very poor taste.
Anyway, let's admit for argument's sake, that he has influenced your ex - even that he has blackmailed her : don't talk to that guy amymore, or else.
As unfair or overbearing of him that may be, the girl has no other choice, once she admits, as your ex did, that she would NOT be happy if the positions were reversed , i,e, if her current bf was in cutesy ,frequent contact with HIS ex. She would find it strange- and unpleasant , by her own admission. So she has no right to inflict what she would not take.
Another thing that maybe you haven't considered is that maybe she just outgrew the need / desire for your friendship . Not all friendships last a lifetime,- some are sincere, yet situational. Now she has a bf, HE fills the need ( if she has it ) for a best male buddy. Reson for which, she can do without you rather serenely.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2015): I think the reason why there's a stigma to remaining friends with an ex is because most relationships end when one party finishes it not both. Put simply if I've ended it l feel guilty about seeing that person again and when I've been dumped I feel angry and hurt.
Those feelings are hard to move on from and would make friendship impossible. Perhaps you and your ex have no deep feelings towards one another but her bf won't know or understand that, hence his confusion. DC is littered with posts from people about sex with, and unresolved feelings for, their ex so it's hardly surprising that most of us confine our ex's to the past if we can.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2015): Hi,Op,I completely agree with you. I firmly believe that exes can be JUST friends and nothing else (and good friends at that).However, you were distant friends (at best) to start with.Yes, every relationship is different. I agree. Would you also agree that EACH one of us is different?So the same way you did not share views on other topics, maybe she (sadly) sees this differently from you as well.Which, you know, she is allowed to. I'm more of your mind and I like to keep my exes as friends (if possible), but there seems to be some stigma still attached to that (as the new bf testifies. Though that's about his insecurities and she is backing down in order to save the relationship. For me, that would be an unreasonable demand but there you go...)What I think will help you "move on" (not romantically and not in the way it was meant here)- you thought you were close+ you were friends.Ok,so now if a brother stops talking to you coz his new gf thinks that you're a horrible influence on him? And he agrees?Would you keep HIM in your friend circle? My bet is on "NO", but only you know the answer.You're just friends right? So she did something similar to the above scenario. New bf is jealous/uncomfortable, she is agreeing to his demands.Ok, so don't be too upset, because why would you want a friend who would drop you every time someone new comes in the picture and demands that you be dropped?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2015): Hmm ok thank you for the thoughts.I just still find it strange, given she was the one who suggested to meet up and then went a met my mum. If she was really just obliging why would she have done that? It just seems like such a sudden change in heart given only a few weeks prior we had been sitting in a cafe getting along great.I just think its bad that there is this stigma out there that ex's cant be friends. I think it depends on the relationship and each relationship is different. Only the two people in the relationship know what its like so why are other people (in this case, her boyfriend) passing judgement on it when they nothing about our relationship. We both knew that our relationship was not a particularly good idea, as I said we were friends, not partners and thats where I think this is different.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2015): Perhaps you should look at this another way and think "How would l feel?" Maybe you wouldn't mind your gf texting and meeting up with an ex but a lot of people are uncomfortable with it. Your shared intimacy and history means you can't suddenly just be friends and forget all that.
I doubt your ex badmouthed you to her new bf, it's just a case of her moving on and wanting to leave that part of her life behind her. We all do it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2015): Hi. I know it must be tough, but try and move in. Properley. She's in another relationship. Period.You may be able to be freinds in the future, but not for now. She may contact you some way down the line, but I would advise you not to contact her for some time. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (2 June 2015):
You can be annoyed all you want, but it doesn't make YOU right and HER wrong.
Many people do NOT have amicable break up, so there is always a bit of lingering drama. And those who do, sometimes just outgrow each other, or rather the "need" for each other in their lives.
And honestly, having conversations about sex is not what I'd call "cutesy". I don't think it's weird, UNLESS you (either of you get a new partner). And I think the whole "cutesy" talk made her question how "over" her you were. Generally you talk to a friend like a friend and not in "cutesy" manners. At least I never have with male friends, occasional banter yes, "cutesy" is for a partner.
Some people do NOT need/want contact with an EX because it CAN complicate a new relationship. Her Bf had the "right" to tell her he didn't like you two talking that much and SHE had the right to agree with him and cut you off, if she so chose.
She may not have painted you in any way bad at all. He may just not have liked the time and energy she put into staying friends with you.
My first BF and I are still friends (20+ years later) but I'm not friend with any of my other 2 BF's. I'm perfectly OK with that. So is my husband. He on the other hand is "friends" with the ex wife - or should I say "friendly" as in they occasionally talk (usually about the kids), but I know that if they didn't HAVE kids together they would NOT have stayed friends. And I certainly could have done with out that drama-llama in out life (specially in the beginning of our marriage). So, not all exes MAKE great friends. Maybe talking to you didn't "do" much for her life, but she hung on out of obligations?
If NOT being friends with you make her relationship "easier" why would she not choose that?
You may not like it, and losing a friend DOES suck, but you can't really do anything but RESPECT her choice. Maybe it's time you TRULY move on and find friends who are FRIENDS.
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