A
male
age
30-35,
*ark_25_
writes:Hi everyone, firstly any opinions and advice given would be hugely appreciated, so thanks in advance for taking the time to read this. I'll try to keep it as brief as possible.Me and my best friend are completely in love with each other, (I'm 20, she's 17, I'll refer to her as "X"). We've known each other for pushing 5 years now, and for a bit over 4 years of that time she has really liked me. It started off with a bit of a crush, and over that time it's developed into a lot more. For the first couple of years I didn't reciprocate the feelings she had towards me, if I'm brutally honest, she came across as a bit immature and a bit young. I had already guessed that she liked me, and she eventually told me. In the few months before then, I was sort of with a girl, but never officially, and even though that had ended, I used that as an excuse and implied I was still involved. I'm not proud of effectively lying to X, but I wanted to let her down as gently as possible, and that seemed like the best way of doing it. I also implied that if I wasn't involved, I would be interested in something with X. (Talking to her now about it, me implying that made her decide to wait quite a while for me, something I feel very badly about now).Going back to then, I thought she had got over me and only saw me as a friend. So a while after she told me she liked me I started to get feelings for her. we were pretty close friends at that stage, talking most days, and I guess I first realised I was getting feelings for her when she had a couple of "boyfriends". They barely lasted any amount of time, but I felt a bit of jealousy. So you're probably thinking that I would say something to her, but I didn't. The main reason for this was the age difference. I think most people will agree, regardless of the history between two people, if you go out with someone 3 years younger than you during school, you're going to leave yourself open to a lot of bad attention. (I should point out that we didn't go to the same school, where we live they're single sex). So that's why I didn't say anything, I guess in my naive little world, I thought that I could just leave it and leave it, and I'd tell her after we'd finished school. (Another two years away at the time). I don't need telling that was stupid, not telling her is the stupidest decision I've ever made, so I don't need to be told.So that's what happened, I just left it. Over the next two years I really started to see what an amazing person she is. Where she had been immature, she'd matured and some fairly bad events in her life had really given her some perspective and brought her down to earth, and had turned her into a very level headed person. As well as that she is pretty much your dream girl, loving, caring, beautiful etc etc etc. Also, over the two years, we had become really close friends.So, it got to the end of that time, and I was building up to telling her I liked her. Unfortunately for us, I was going away on an expedition for a month. My plan was to tell her after I got back, but within a couple of weeks of me getting back, and before I could see her, she started going out with another guy. I assumed this guy would be like the others, but somehow it lasted. That was summer 2009. I was pretty gutted to say the least. I can't remember exactly when, must have been around this xmas gone, I told her how I felt, and she feels exactly the same way. I didn't really want to tell her, because it's a horrible situation to put her in, but she had pretty much guessed anyway. As I said at the beggining we are now completely in love with each other, we see each other a lot, text all day every day, and as well as that, we are best friends too, we go to each other with literally any problem. (although the texting and seeing each other a lot all happened before I told her as well).So your probably thinking if we're that in love, why hasn't she broken up with her boyfriend for me. Putting it simply, he was diagnosed with Leukemia about a year into their relationship. When he was diagnosed, their relationship was really on the rocks, they were literally within a few days of splitting up. Ironically, him being diagnosed saved their relationship. Despite that, he doesn't treat her right. Doesn't listen to her, he's rude to her, completely blanks her when they're with his friends, and being blunt about it, he doesn't deserve her. She is an angel and wouldn't hurt a fly, and he completely takes advantage of her, and uses his illness as a point of leverage. The way he treats her is disgusting, a guy should treat his girlfriend like she's the only thing in the world that matters, and he doesn't do anything of the sort which really makes my blood boil.She has since told me that when they first started going out, it was an impulse decision and she wasn't that bothered by him, she had no idea that I was about to tell her how I felt, and if she had she wouldn't even have condidered going out with this other guy.So now I'm waiting for her, other girls have shown an interest in me, but nobody comes close to her, I can't imagine being with anyone else. These aren't all one way feelings, she feels exactly the same way as me.So that is about it, I'm not even sure what I'm asking for. Opinions, advice, a conversation about it would all be greatly appreciated. If you want to know anything else, feel free to ask.Thank you again for reading if you've got this far, this is something I could really use some help with.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (11 August 2011):
 Simple - if she loved you that much she would leave him. Yes Leukemia is awful and it must be hard to end it with someone so ill, however presuming this guy is reasonably young like you both are, he should recover without too many problems. He will also have family and friends to support him, he doesnt exactly 'need' a 17 year old girl to help him through this. He will get by without her, and I'm sure she is not stupid enough to think his recovery is entirely dependent on her.
So providing she is not stupid - then she is staying with him because she WANTS to. Yes the illness will be a part of it, anyone would feel guilty for breaking up with someone so ill, but staying with someone through guilt is just about the worst excuse possible. There are clearly other reasons beyond the illness that are keeping them together, otherwise she would have left him for you.
Now you have a choice - do you sit around waiting for another 2,3,5...10 years for a girl who doesnt love you enough to leave her boyfriend? Or do you give her an ultimatum, telling her this cant continue and either she leaves him now for you, or you cut ties and move on?
This is your choice - but I would go for the second option, you could be waiting forever for her and you are not giving her any incentive to leave him by doing that - at the moment she has 2 men in her life and she will be pretty happy with that, she gets what she needs from both of you. Whereas you have nothing, just some empty words that she has not acted upon. So at least if you give her the ultimatum you will know where you stand - she may well finally leave him, or she may not want to leave him which gives you your answer that she doesnt actually love you and your feelings for her are far stronger than the ones she has for you. At least armed with that knowledge, you will be able to move on once and for all.
I hope this helps and good luck!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2011): Sounds to me that you only wan her now cos she's unavailable
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A
male
reader, Kyle007  +, writes (11 August 2011):
Let's see, she loves you, but she doesn't love you enough to leave her abusive scum of a boyfriend who is going to die?What this girl is doing is NOT OK. The fact that she is getting respect, care, love and attention from you is what is making it possible for her to endure being sexually involved with this guy.Guilt is the only reason she would stay with this guy. Its not a good one.She is living a lie, and making you suffer. You might want to re-evaluate just how wonderful she is. Withdraw from this. If she really hates herself so much, she will stay with him. If not, she will realize its your companionship she craves. But you should not permit her having both of you in her life. This you CAN control.Lastly, she doesn't feel the exact same way about you like you said. That is probably the key falsehood to this whole mess. Think about it, wouldn't you leave an abusive relationship for her?
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