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female
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anonymous
writes: My boyfriend just moved to the US to be with me from the other side of the world. We were dating last year when he had to move back home and he has just moved back one year later to be with me. We have been having issues since he got back though. He has this friend and she is much younger than him and lives in a diferent city than us (we are living together) but I have a feeling that they have feelings for each other. He swears that he loves me and even talks about marriage. He won't, however, let me read their emails to prove their is nothing going on. He says it's cause he's a private person and I should trust him. I am not sure whether to insist on seeing what they have written to give myself piece of mind or to just trust him and let it eat at me. I want to trust him but I have no reason to at the moment other than his word. He says he did have a thing with this girl before we were together but not since. Any opinion is helpful. I'm torn. :( Reply to this Question
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female
reader, browneyes +, writes (7 October 2006):
girl two words get out. if not get even recieve emails too whats good for the goose is good for the gander
A
female
reader, amerthyst0202  +, writes (6 October 2006):
 I know how this feels as my bf ex still txts him but you have to either trust him or you don't and you can either let this destroy your relationship or dont talk to him
explain that you love him and it hurts that he keeps the e-mails away from you and its putting dought in your mind they could be mates you just need him to reassure you that they are that's all
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2006): You have a big problem. He's not taking actions to reassure you, she is just a friend. Nor is he allowing you to see their correspondence. When we love someone, we do everything and anything to build the trust by letting them know about our cross gender friendships. This is an issue of not only trust but a lack of respect, on his part. You don't have his full committment in this relationship and I think you know that. Your first indicator is his relunctance to show you the emails. You are smart to clue into this..so many people don't. I don't care what anyone says, but when a couple are in a committed, unified relationship, they share everything. They both put in huge efforts to keep building the trust-it's an ongoing process-it never stops. Trust, in my books, is foundational to any good relationship. My partner and I use the computer, daily and it's wide open to each other's scrutiny. Emails, no passwords...none. Why do we do this? Because we understand the meaningfulness of sharing a life, thus we share everything...in every aspect. And that is what builds trust and keeps it strong. So many people in relationships use this "I want my privacy" excuse, to hide crap and BS! In a love relationship such as your, maturity is defined by the willingness to be open, honest and to be held accountable, without excuses, for one's actions. Immaturity is unwillingness to to do the same. This is likely your bf's biggest drawback, here. Basically, if he nothing to hide, he would gladly show you those emails. His behaviour smacks of something fishy. I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him. You two need to talk and some boundries need to be out in place. I wish you the best of luck...be strong.
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