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male
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anonymous
writes: I am having severe problems in my marriage, my wife and I seem to argue most of the time, but I'm not solely blaming her.There are quite a few problems, but one which seems to crop up more often than not is due to my lack of forward planning. My wife is always organised and tends to come up with ideas for us and our two children to do. She asked me the other day about going away for a long weekend in October half term, last night I went to book it with some vouchers we had saved, but the company said we were too late as they needed 14 days to process it. So the bottom line was not to go, or pay cash, she just wanted a cheap couple of days away, and so did I. I feel bad I never read the small print and if I had I would have known about the 14 days thing. So, now she's not talking to me and says all sorts of things about just thinking of herself and the kids and not including me in anything.I admit to her that I am not very forward planning, and I want to change, but all this hostility towards me when I screw up is not helping.She said literally half an hour before our last bust up that she really loves me and was really lucky to have found me, and asked me how she could make me believe that, as she feels I do not believe her. Then because I couldn't get our cheap weekend away she turned and said she doesn't love me and I'm a waste of space, I just said in future I won't believe her when she says she loves me and wants to be with me. This isn't the first time she's said horrible things to me and then a few days later said the total opposite and then changes it all back again.I said that I will try my hardest be more thoughtful and look forward and plan things, but all she says is that it is too late and she will just plan for her and the children.I am definitely a husband and father who shares all the household things, I do a full days work, but do the kids lunches in the mornings, help with the cleaning, washing and ironing. I will cook a few times a week. It just seems that if I do a small thing wrong I'm the biggets b'std on the planet.I love my wife dearly, and would do anything in my means for her.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2006): You're wife needs to learn how to fight "fair" and handle her anger better, instead of lashing out with utterly cruel comments and then expecting you to simply forget them later when she's in a better mood. It's nice that you want to change for her, but what has she done for you lately? Marriage is give and take from both sides. If you work on being a better planner and thinking ahead (and learned behavior that is not second nature, will take time to "learn)....she has to learn also to control her emotions more. Never say things you don't really mean. If she really loves you, then she should never say that she doesn't simply because she's angry. She's going over board. Plus, she needs to realize that you do help out around the house alot. Do you ever get credit for that? Or is she just hyper-critical by nature? Could be something she learned from her parents. One or both of her folks may have been extremely critical of her, and she's passing on the tradition. Time to break the cycle. If the two of you can't sit down and talk about this fairly, and set some future guidelines for expectations and fair-fighting, then it's time to see a counselor. Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Kelly, but she says that she does mean what she said in the arguement. If I try to talk to her when she's moody (usually from something I haven't done) she just ignores me. She isn't even speaking to me now, so I can't say anything.
One point I should have mentioned is that we have always been conscious of our spending, and part of my problem with not planning things like breaks away is that it has a knock on effect with our finances, although this time I was a jerk because it would have been pretty much a free break away.
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A
female
reader, kellyO  +, writes (6 October 2006):
 Hi there,
I think there is always going to be disagreements in any relationship/marriage. Making a relationship/marriage sucessful will depend on how each partner handles the situations since it is never going to be rosy all the time.
Thankfully, that is the main problem u have and i feel it is something that can be work on. I think u should talk to your wife and let her know u feel. Just a nice sharing conversation and let her know that even if she is angry with u she should try not to mention things she obviously doesnt mean give examples if u can but show tenderness while doing this. Make her understand that u really arent that a good planner most men arent really but u need her support to improve just as indicated here in your post. Let her know how important she is to you as well as the kids.
Take care dont worry i believe everything will work out well.
Kelly.
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A
female
reader, amerthyst0202 +, writes (6 October 2006):
 your wife was looking forward to this trip, and she knows your not a very good planner,so why didn't she do it,to be certain, did she read the small print? ( No ) your the b*S***D because she left you to sort it out and this mistake happened.
we all need to blame some one and it was you who didn't sort it out, its a human thing.( she could have booked it to be sure) and if you'd have paid up the cash you would still been in the wrong (we women are funny creatures) she loves you but feels let down so she need to hurt you and word are the biggest weapon us women use I'm afraid buy her a bunch of flowers to say sorry and take the kids to the movies have a family day out do something with them all she will come round
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