A
male
age
30-35,
*ffspringfan
writes:Me and my girlfriend of 4 and a half years recently broke up. We have been together throughout most of our teens and haven't really experienced "going out" and enjoying being young etc. Basically to enjoy the thrill of being single and experiencing other people, dating, sex etc until we got serious and dedicated our lives together. So we decided to break up so we could do this. However i thought i wanted this more than her but what I've realised is that i don't need anybody else, i love her more than anyone else in the world and the few times I've gone out to try and experience this lifestyle i have felt sick, i don't want to talk to other girls because none of them even come close.however i am learning that she is loving this life, apparently she has already slept with another guy and is texting a fair few people. She says this is only temporary but when i ask her how long it will last, she says she doesn't know. this is killing me and I've had the worst couple of weeks of my life. She recently had a house party to celebrate her birthday but dis-invited me because she thought i would get so wound up and jelous of all of the boys going that want to hit on her that she would get annoyed at me. What annoyed me more is that some of my best friends were invited to this party so what happened is basically on that night, most of my friends all went to my ex girlfriends house and got drunk with her, whilst a bunch of guys hitter on her, it felt like all of the people in my life giving me a huge middle finger. Im annoyed that she favoured these so called the guys who just essentially want to sleep with her, over me, the person she apparently loves more than anyone else.I don't know what to do. this feels like the path to destruction, am i just supposed to sit around whilst the love of my life goes and has sex with a bunch of guys? Where not going out so its technically ok and its not cheating but its like a knife to the heart. All i want is to have her in my arms again, i want her back so bad, but she says she doesn't want it just yet. I just feel like she's going to meet somebody else in this period and at some point i will become old news. I don't want to sit here thinking "she'll come back to me soon" and then before i know it, she's like "i don't love you anymore, I've met this new guy, I'm going out with him now" because i wouldn't be able to handle that.What do i do? Please help me, i don't want to demand her to get back with me, she keeps telling me that she needs to do this in order to go forward with me but if I'm too relaxed, what if she slips away? She keeps telling me to go have fun and basically sleep with a bunch of girls but so far everybody I've talked to have been just awful, i want her back? what do i do? do i make a stand and tell her to either come back or she's lost me forever, or do i say nothing and loose her eventually? i don't have confidence in the situation at all. I just want her back. But i think she's afraid of getting to 40+ and freaking out that she didn't have a single life much and that she never got to experience other guys and so she would run off and leave me then, which would be way worse because of marriage, kids and a house etc. how can i voice these concerns without offending her or scaring her off? I haven't talked to her since the house party, the night that was happening i was ready to explode at her and tell her that she had lost me forever, but i held back because i didn't want to say anything stupid where i might loose her.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Denise32  +, writes (8 April 2013):
 Before she can make a permanent life with you - IF she chooses to - its necessary and good that the two of you have separated so that she - and you! - can experience being single and meeting and dating others.
What I'm saying is it's not as though you both had had other relationships, or even been single, and just casually dating, for a few years and THEN met and fallen in love.
That's why she's "trying her wings" now. You have the opportunity to do the same - which is just as important for you as it is for her.
I would recommend that at this point you just back off. She has already indicated this is something she needs to do in order to go forward wit you; and I expect she realizes how hurt and upset you are.
This is why I'm telling you to back off. Stay out of her orbit, if you can; have as little to do with her as possible. Attempting to talk about it will only rub salt in your wound and make things worse.
By not confronting her; not spilling your feelings, she might, eventually, become curious as to why she hasn't heard from you or seen you around for a while. She MIGHT decide that dating other guys isn't all its cracked up to be, and maybe then she'll choose to be single for some time; neither getting back with your, nor dating anyone else.
Eventually, after a year or two she MIGHT (or unfortunately for you, might not - sorry!) decide you are the one she wants to be with. Inconceivable as it is now, YOU might also come to the conclusion that you no longer want to be in relationship with her -; either because you're being single, OR because you've met someone else.
I'm saying once more, at present, LEAVE IT ALONE.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2013): What you are going through is quite understandable, both the decision to want to break up for the sake of experiencing the young single life, and the heartbreak of realising it isn't everything you had hoped for when you agreed to it. Unfortunately, when you're young, you don't have the experience you need to know how you feel about certain things, and you can't tell the future. You can't even predict the future based on previous experience if because you haven't necessarily got enough experience. It's kind of a catch22. Unfortunately, you will find that it is not possible to put a relationship on hold, live the single life for a while, and then try and get back together and have things be the same. Things are not the same, and even with what you have gone through now, things will not be the same moving forward. You need to accept that things have changed and cannot be undone. The good news is that not all is lost. You still have the opportunity to get your girlfriend back if you love her and if she loves you, and if she chooses you, which she may not necessarily but if she loves you you're in with a good shot. You need to communicate with your ex, and tell her how you feel. You need to tell her that this break is something that you thought you wanted, but now that you have it you have realised that you don't want it any more and that the idea of being with other people isn't what you want because you love her. You also need to let her know how much it is hurting you to know that she is having experiences and potentially sex with other guys, even though you acknowledge that she isn't doing anything wrong because this is something that you both agreed to. She isn't cheating on you, but this experience is hurting you nonetheless, and she needs to know that this will affect the possibility of you guys getting back together in the future. You need to let her know that you want her back because you love her and because you don't want to be with anyone else. You need to let her know that you understand that she is free to choose to continue the single life, but that if she does she runs the risk of you being so heartbroken that your relationship might not be repairable. It might help to also tell her that you aren't trying to manipulate her or control her, that you understand that she is free to do what she wants, but that you are just being honest and that its important that she knows the risks of continuing to do what she is doing, if she is thinking about ever having a relationship with you. You also need to be prepared that, while she does love you, that for her having these life experiences might feel more important to her, and that she might choose to continue to be single and free. She might love you, but she might have already made peace with saying goodbye to you and moving on to the next chapter in her life, as sad as that is for her. You need to be prepared for this. If this is what she wants, you will have to choice but to let her go, be devastated, grieve for the loss of this relationship that has been so important to you, accept it eventually, take the time to heal and pull yourself together, and eventually when you're ready move on in your life realising that there is plenty of love in life, plenty of people to love and to recieve love from. Honesty is the best policy. Be true to yourself and tell her. Let her be true to herself too, whether that means you get what you want or not.
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