A
female
age
41-50,
*ijit
writes:Hi,I'm a woman who is very much in love with my boyfriend of 3 years. He loves me very much too and we have become entangled in a deep, intense, but complicated relationship. I say complicated because there are extreme highs and extreme lows. We go through phases where we fight constantly and they are explosive, verbally abusive fights that spiral into rage and tears from something that could easily have been solved with a simple discussion.Because he is fairly reserved about his feelings it all comes out in these fights and often he says things that are damaging to my self esteem and damaging to our relationship.On my end, I am defensive, can be very touchy and become a sobbing mess unable to control the situation during these fights. Which makes him believe that I am weak, emotional, dependant, needy, immature, etc.Then the next minute the fight is over and we are fine.Over time this has made me start to believe the things he has said about me, and I am a strong, career- minded, ambitious, fun person. I can be negative, but not overly so. So it has made me quite depressed.He dangles the marriage "carrot" in front of my face saying if I can't change he won't marry me.He says all I need to do is give him peace.I don't know if I can fit the bill, and I don't know if he will ever see that what he does is wrong. It takes two of us to do this.Can we learn how to fight and how to negotiate?We both want this to work very very much.Thanks.
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ambition, depressed, immature, self esteem Reply to this Question
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female
reader, dijit +, writes (24 December 2007):
dijit is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes, I agree I could definately be a better listener. And although he listens I don't feel he internalises it and turns it into positive change. We end up having a discussion but not then making a plan to make things better. It's more just like lumping expectations on to each other.
I am going to try and listen better and see if it helps, but the fighting is just the result of a trigger. The list of triggers gets longer and longer and I just don't know if this can work, no matter how much we want it.
A
male
reader, rcn  +, writes (24 December 2007):
 How are you a different person now, from when you first got together? You do not need to change for anyone. People who get married due so because they love who they are with, not trying to create or mold a new and improved person. I do agree, change is good, positive change should always be worked on, as a personal choice, not as an exchange for marriage. Both of you need to get a better understanding of marriage and how relationships in general work. A confrontation in a relationship is not a competition of who's wright and who's wrong. It's an opportunity to weigh out both sides and come to a compromise that works for both of you and benefits your relationship. Don't enter into an argument with the intentions of winning. When there is a winner, there's a loser. If you love someone, you don't want them to be considered or feel as if they are a loser. The sayings I found are really true in this sense "seek first to understand" and "the reason we have two ears and one mouth is so we listen twice as much as we talk." It's important to really understand the other side, and the point of view. It doesn't mean you have to agree with them, but you also shouldn't judge them for their opinion.
I hope this works for you. take care.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2007): a known devil is better than a pretender.i advise you to grab the marriage carrot and take it.life is all about ups and down.the best way for the two of you is to learn how to accomodate each other.
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