A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:It's not actually a problem, so much as it is a little confusion. I have a guy that I've known for years. We dated for a while but it never really went anywhere since we were young and I was in school. However, we've always had a strong attraction to each other. We are stuck in a cycle. We see each other. We are attracted. We start talking and we connect. Then it just fizzles out. So it happened again. We saw one another and hugged and it was this instant connection. I didnt want to let go. He didnt either. We kept staring at each other. It just felt very comfortable and I felt very content, like this was just the calm my soul needed, as I've been having a rocky year. But the more that we talk, I realize we don't really have much in common. Hes not terribly bright. I think is where the fizzle begins. But how do I get over the little zing I feel when we're together? How can our energies crave one another but our minds not match? Is there any way this can really work? Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2019): You've already answered your own question:
"But the more that we talk, I realize we don't really have much in common. Hes not terribly bright. I think is where the fizzle begins."
What you've described is a vague physical-attraction; but no real chemistry. Plus your own opinion that you're incompatible on the intellectual-level.
People seem to feel just because you're attracted to a person something romantic must come of it. Quite the contrary! Magic doesn't really happen unless you check most, if not all, the boxes. It falls in the category of "I wonder what it would be like to have sex with that person? Nah!!!
If all of the following below occur, then explore the possibilities:
Reasonable visual-attraction, ease in communication, sexual-tension, emotional-magnetism, shared values, slight palpitations, and a nagging desire to keep seeing each other. These must occur consistently; or you're just running into each other around times that you might be a little "horny!" It might also be following a "dry-spell" date-wise; and you haven't gone out with anybody for awhile. Nothing like a good warm hug! Gives you a dopamine jolt!
It might be best to keep things in the friend-zone, and avoid having sex. It will only get weird and complicated.
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (20 November 2019):
 Is there any way this can work? I doubt it. I speak from experience.
My first relationship was a bit like yours: physically we were very drawn to each other. We were in our teens the first time we went out. He was my first sexual experience and the lust was overwhelming. However, we split up because, apart from a shared interest in music, we had little else in common. I went back to him twice, both times when I was between relationships. Both times the outcome was exactly the same as previously. We were who we were and, much as we were attracted to each other physically, there was little else in the relationship.
The universe will keep sending you this lesson until you learn it. Be smart and learn quickly. There is nothing wrong with either of you; you are just not compatible. You both need to move on and find partners who are right for you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2019): If the fizzle happens when he opens his mouth then all you have is physical attraction. You don't have to get rid of that. You just have to acknowledge that you feel it but that you know it's not going anywhere and just focus on finding someone you connect with on a physical and intellectual level.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (20 November 2019):
 I don't think that it will ever work. And here is why. YOU two have known each other for years and NOTHING worked out romantically, it was like a couple of magnets that are attracted but when they get together nothing really happens.
Having that connection with someone IS nice, and I think that is why you both seem to come back to one another, even though I think you BOTH know nothing will come of it.
What is MORE important for a good solid relationship is compatibility. That you have things in common (outside of attraction and familiarity). Same values, goals, morals.
Of course attraction is always good, but if that is the only REAL thing, then it will probably not last, as you have experienced before.
It felt comfortable for you because HE is familiar.
How do you move on, well there is either cutting all contact or avoiding PHYSICAL contact when you do meet, keep seeing him as a friend and threat him as you would any other friend. IF that is possible. Cutting all contact might be the way to go as most NEW potential partner might bot be enthused at all to have some "friend" that YOU are attracted to and have history with, pop up occasionally and change the dynamics.
ACCEPT that it's just NOT going to work out. You can keep meeting up over the years but you would be wasting your time trying to get this guy to FIT your criteria. And while you TRY and "fit a square peg (him) into a round hole (a relationship YOU would want) you are MISSING out on meeting a guy who COULD be a much much better fit.
My second BF was someone I had known for years, he was my older brother's friend and someone I had always clicked with on some level. But once we actually took the step to dating I found that he was just not a good fit for me. He wasn't into ANYTHING I was and I wasn't into anything HE was, so besides physical attraction there really wasn't much there. We were MUCH better as just friends.
It is what it is.
You can break the pattern of doing the SAME thing and expecting a different outcome by SIMPLY accepting that HE and YOU are not a good match.
He can BE a great guy and not a good fit for you.
You can LIKE him and not be a great fit.
You can be attracted to someone who is WHOLLY not a good match.
He isn't going to become a "rocket scientist" and you should "dumb" yourself down to make it work, as things stand your compatibility is attraction and familiarity, not much else and THAT, can be hard to build anything on, and if you try, I think you will both be disappointed.
Accept reality and MOVE on.
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