A
male
age
41-50,
*SuperMan
writes:Hello,I have only been married with my wife for 1 year and we have been together for 3. We got married right after the birth of my son.I have been married for 1-year, with a 1-year old son. I haven't been the best husband and recently she found an ex-boyfriend online and actually went and seen him. We got into a huge fight and she has told me that she doesn't have any feelings for me anymore.I don't want a divorce! I love here and I have already been through one with 2 girls age 8 and 10.I am going to go to counseling, talk with a minister, a counselor, get on antidepressants, ordered a book on how to fix a broken marriage but she won't even take this guy off of her M_Space friends list. It has only been a week and I think I can change her mind but she is NOT making it easy.Do you have any suggestion I might have missed? I am willing to go the distance.
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male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (10 August 2007):
 My thoughts on this: Keep trying hard to do for a better living in the future, keep the counselling, keep trying to sort things with her, and, if she won't stay with you, accept it, and keep going.
A
male
reader, XSuperMan +, writes (10 August 2007):
XSuperMan is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank You, all.After taking time to consider my options, I'm still going to try to work out are problems and stay together. Marriage is suppose to be a lifetime commitment right?If nothings seems to change I probably will call it off on my own. She is pretty immature at times and I really need a loving woman not a Paris Hilton wannabe.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2007): MarieClaire I disagree with you, I don't think he brought it on himself. Alot of men wouldn't want to better themselves for their family and just stick to a low paid job to just get through the bills. But this man has gone to college for his family & still working.
Even though she said 'You put college before me' you have done it for her and I think it's selfish of her to want you to stop education which will make all your lives better in the long run.
If it turns out she has no feelings for you and you cannot work it out then you should find someone else, as you seem like a lovely husband to me.
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A
female
reader, AskEve  +, writes (9 August 2007):
 First of all I commend you for trying to sort out your marriage. I don't blame you for getting angry though, it's only natural but DON'T give her ultimatums like telling her to delete her ex as this will only make her dig her heels in more. What you need to do is say to her that you'd like to talk with her then sit down with her and tell her how you know you've taken her for granted a lot. Let her know though that all the hours you've put in working and going to college is to make a better life for HER and your son! Promise her that in future you'll spend some quality time with her and try to be there for her more. Then COMMEND HER on being a great mother to your son. Let her know you watch her and you're proud of her.
Women NEED to be reassured, they need to feel loved and to be able to talk when something is bothering them. Maybe in the past you've genuinely been too busy and just wanted to chill when you got home after a long day leaving her feeling frustrated. So make time for her and ask her daily how she's feeling. The more loved and secure she feels the more she'll trust you again and let you in. This will take time as WORDS are one thing but ACTIONS are another so be sure to follow up anything you say with actions. Bring her flowers home, take her out for a meal, go see a movie together (get a babysitter). Cook dinner for her on a weekend and tell her to put her feet up. Tell her how good she looks, kiss her as you pass her, tell her she looks sexy etc etc. All of these things are reassurances that she feels wanted. Make sure YOU look good and smell good. Take care in your appearance.
I feel she's sought out this ex because she's not been getting enough attention from you in the past and has felt taken for granted but I don't think all is lost here. If you really work hard on this and take turns with the little one (changing him, feeding him etc) then she'll see that you're really trying and you really DO mean what you say and hopefully this ex will remain just that....
Eve
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A
male
reader, XSuperMan +, writes (9 August 2007):
XSuperMan is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI went wrong as a husband because I am working 45+ hours/week and going to college 3/4th time so that my family can have a better future. She said once that she thinks I put college in front of her. - NOT TRUE and I made sure she knows.
I haven't been helping out around the house as much as I should have but I try to fix meals on the weekends.
You know the basic crap that newlyweds put up with the first year.
I don't hit women, I don't cheat, I have strong christian believes.
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A
male
reader, XSuperMan +, writes (9 August 2007):
XSuperMan is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI wish there were more people like you in the world anonymous.
Friday evening I plan on going swimming and watch the sunset. I want to do something on saturday also that involves all the shooting stars we are suppose to see. 1-per minute.
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A
female
reader, Sugarbuns  +, writes (9 August 2007):
 You need to determine if she's truly fallen out of love with you, or if she's just going through a phase of boredom because she's got a new child, and some women feel like their identity as a sexy, viable woman (i.e. "lover") gets swallowed up by being a "Mommy" and so affairs can occur during this phase. If she has truly fallen out of love for you, there is be nothing you can do to fix this situation. Only she can fix it. It's something like trying to put the toothpaste back into the tube after it's all squeezed out. If she hasn't completely fallen out of love for you then, counseling could help her deal with her new identity as a mother, and help her feel like she's still a woman too. I wish you the best!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2007): O.K. peeps, he said he has not been the best husband..so I would like to know what he did that makes this so? Is that the reason wifey wants out now? Have you been cheating? other posters said that he is such a great husband, but something's telling me that he just started trying when wifey said she wants out. Maybe you can enlighten us on more aspects of the relationship, where did you go wrong as a husband?
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A
female
reader, chloe_123 +, writes (9 August 2007):
Hi,
It doesnt sound as though she is willing to compromise with you in any way. Maybe you should sit her down and tell her that you are being deadly serious and that you need to talk. If she cant even do that then she may not be worth your time. I know it is hard with a baby so young and 2 other children but at the end of the day you cant carry on upsetting yourself like this. Make sure you keep up the counseling and do what is bet for you because she certainly isnt worrying about you. Good luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2007): I think she should consider herself lucky, to have a husband like you who obviously cares for her dearly. I don't even understand why she's still talking to an ex, they must of broken up for a reason.
It's very selfish of her not to consider your feelings. Well I think you really are trying your best by getting counselled [sp?]. I think you should try a romantic evening with her [take her out somewhere nice] and show her how much of a great husband you are.
Good Luck x
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