A
female
age
51-59,
*ixiemom35
writes:my husband and i have a 17 yr. old beautiful daughter that claims to be in-love with a 23 yr old male. we have tried to keep this relationship from happening, but the more we fought it the more they were determined to be together. we both told the guy that he can't date our daughter and to stay away from her until she is an adult. he refused basically.he came to the school and got her out of school many times, came to our house and picked her up in the night and brought her back before we knew she was gone and on and on and on. he says he loves her but he has helped in driving a wedge between her family and hurt lots of people. he says the reason he wont leave her alone is b/c it would open a door for another guy to come in. your opinion please.... Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2007): Did you at any time in this try to imagine what it feels like for her? Or did you just say condescending things like "What does a 17-year-old know about love?". Yes, granted he should be able to find someone a bit nearer his own age, but you can't help who you fall for, and 6 years isn't a huge age gap – if this was a teenage girl with a middle-aged man, then you would have more cause for worry. I understand that she'll always be your baby (even when she has babies of her own), but she is not a child anymore. Forbidding the relationship will only strengthen and prolong it, possibly beyond its natural life. He is right that if he left her someone else would take his place. From what you have written, he doesn't seem to have done much wrong, so why not try to build a few bridges: invite him round for a meal, get to know him. Nobody's forcing you to like him, but what matters is that this relationship is important to your daughter's happiness, and if it breaks down (as first-time flings often do), she'll need a shoulder she can trust to cry on, not a lot of I-told-you-sos. Your daughter will only learn to be a grown-up by taking a few risks and dealing with the consequences, which may mean making mistakes and learning from them. If you really want to help her, then give her the space to make whatever decisions she makes, respect her privacy, and of course make sure she takes precautions (buy her condoms yourself, if necessary – it's better than "Mum, I'm pregnant/HIV positive"). I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but it's you who have driven this wedge, not the boyfriend, though I don't think the damage is completely irreparable, it just needs some work. Godd luck.
A
female
reader, confused718 +, writes (8 May 2007):
 that's creepy. how does your daugter feel. If she likes him u better watch her close. if she wants him away, get the police away from her before she turns 18 and is leagaly an adult!!!!!!!
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A
female
reader, dragonette  +, writes (3 May 2007):
 Let's put it this way: Your daughter said she's in love with him. He said he was in love with your daughter. The more you fight for her not to see him, the more she will want to see him.
If he was actually a threat to her (got her started on taking drugs, her grades suddenly plummeted, etc) then I could understand you doing everything to keep them apart, but as it is now all you've done is made them feel like romeo and juliette fighting for their right to be together. My inner teenager thinks it would be very romantic to be picked up at midnight and returned before dawn like cinderella.
You write that he has driven a wedge between her and the family, but you don't write exactly in what way. It probably does hurt for you that she suddenly is growing up, and wants to try her hand at relations. And I can agree that a 23 year old guy doesn't seem quite ideal as a boyfriend, from a parent's perspective. I think that since she will be 18 in a year, there's not really any point in you saying "you cannot date this man until you're grown up". Perhaps, what you need to do is just to step back and let her make her own mistakes.
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A
female
reader, Carina  +, writes (3 May 2007):
 Step back. The more you're against this relationship, the more you're pushing them together. Would you rather alienate your daughter, or get to know her friends? I would try to change tactics altogether. Get to know this guy. Invite him into your house. See what happens. It sounds as though he genuinely cares about her and he doesn't want someone else stepping in and treating her badly. Trust her. She's your daughter and you raised her with good values. The wedge is only happening because you're against the relationship. Sometimes welcoming someone in makes your child assess them and realise they're not right for them. Being so obviously against it won't work. I know it's hard for you, but it's the only way to maintain your relationship with your daughter and keep an eye on what's happening. I hope it all works out.
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