A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My girlfriend and i have been dating for over six months now. Everything was fine until she miscarried our baby after 5 weeks. Ever since the news she has become very distant and nothing i do is ever right. She has bad mood swings, father abandonment issues, and 2 horrible marriages in the past to add to the miscarriage also. Now she isnt even sure if she wants me living with her anymore cause she needs space. But every other day she changes her mind dramatically. And last night she was in tears for a half hour straight telling me she has no idea what is going on with her and she isnt even sure about us anymore. It was a very hard cry also. Harder than i have ever seen by her. She wants to seek therapy. what else can i do?
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male
reader, rcn +, writes (2 February 2008):
 I agree with the other poster. This is very traumatic for someone. She definately needs tharapy. Here's what often happens such as in your case, where new abnormal behaviors surface. (1) bad marriage (unresolved) + (2) bad marriage (unresolved) + (3) father abandonment (unresolved) + miscarriage (unresolved) = One huge mental mess. Think of trauma like a cup, and the cup is the subconscious. #1 filled it 1/3 full, when #2 comes #1 still there so it's 2/3 full, #3 comes to join #1 and #2, then you're full. The miscarriage comes and overflows the trauma cup. When overflowed the trauma begins peaking it's way from the subconscious to the conscious mind. That's where many behavioral disorders surface. She is overwhelmed.
Now look at the issue with the abandonment. People who feel abondonment issues are use to "dealing with issues alone". They feel as if their alone, even if someone caring is there with them.
I recommend she goes through theraphy. I also recommend a grief based support group. I'd also check in your area and see if there is a professionally trained NLP (Neuro Linguistics Programing) specialist in your area. It's a form of therapy that has been proved to be more effective than traditional therapy. It's a safe method of directly attacking the trauma that causes these issues.
Good luck, take care.
A
female
reader, Mistify  +, writes (1 February 2008):
 I'm so sorry for what you are going through, it must be really hard.
Your girlfriend is desperately in need of therapy.
Trust me - i've been there.
What you can do? Well, if you really want to make this work, then you will need to support her.
Firstly, realize that the problem is with HER, and not with you. This will help you deal with 'situations' with more ease. She is taking out her anger and frustration, and insecurities on you at the moment, because you are probably the closest person to her. I'm not saying it is right, or even fair, but this is just the way us humans are. We are always most harsh to the people close to us. Don't blame her for taking out her frustrations on you. Instead, help her realize the source of these frustrations, and then help her take steps to resolve those matters.
Secondly, try and support her, by being patient with her, and giving her the space she needs.
A miscarriage is a very traumatic experience, and not an easy thing to deal with.
Therapy is the best thing i can advise, and patience for you.
You have a tough road ahead of you, but she will find peace and healing in time.
I've been at both ends of the line, so please mail me if you want to chat.
Good luck to you, i hope things work out.
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