A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I have been with my boyfriend for 8 years and we have never had intercourse. We are ready to, but we are freaked about getting pregnant because we have both always been so serious about attaining our high degrees in school. In high school it made sense and I felt great that he didn't pressure me and then in college it was still good because it relieved so much pressure. We had a lot on our plate and worrying about that would have been too much. Now, however, we are still in school doing graduate programs, but I feel almost silly to still be waiting. We have done pretty much everything but intercourse so there are no intimacy issues or anything like that. It's almost like we have gone so long that we can just keep it up this way, especially since our relationship is so strong in all other ways as well. How can I relax about the pregnancy issue? I am on birth control and we will use a condom. Do I even need to worry about this? What do others do? I know friends who have been having sex since high school and are fine. I don't talk to them about this because I have tried to tell people that we don't have sex and they think I am lying. I want to enjoy sex with my boyfriend, but I'm not ready for a baby until school is done. We aren't waiting for marriage or anything. We believe more in committed relationships and no rush on marriage until we are financially stable. I would appreciate any advice.
View related questions:
condom Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (25 June 2013):
This is definitely not normal (although it's not wrong).
No birth control method is 100% effective, but if you double up on birth control (such as the pill/condom) you're more likely to get struck by lightning than get pregnant.
Even the pill by itself is basically 100% effective if he doesn't come inside you.
I would suggest that you find an alternative to the condom since you're obviously very committed to each other. Condoms kind of suck, and if diseases aren't a worry I'd never use one.
A
female
reader, shrodingerscat +, writes (24 June 2013):
 You seem like a pretty rational person.You're educated and you're already on birth control and he's going to use a condom. So. What's stopping you REALLY? Because the chances of you getting pregnant with two highly effective methods of preventing just that are slim to none, so there must be something else stopping you.You need to be honest with yourself and ultimately, with him. Because irrational fears holding your relationship from progressing is NOT a healthy model to live by.If you don't want to have sex, then say so. Some people have no interest in sex and that's fine, they can go on with the rest of their lives and have fulfilling and happy relationships without intercourse. But if you're afraid of sex, educating yourself about it is important. I highly recommend Laci Green from Sex+ on youtube, she's a wealthy of sex positive information that is accessible and easy to process.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (24 June 2013):
 I agree ( as usually ) with YouWish. No, dear Op, there MUST be issues. Either with fear of penetration or sexual shame or some other hung up, or.. with your bf.
What other people do ? They ( hopefully ) practice responsible contracception ( say, pill plus condom ) and they have sex. They probably go at it like rabbits.
Sure, technically you are right, because even with optimal use of pill AND condom there is still the tiny remote chance you could end up pregnant due to a series of weird coincidences ( the condom breaks the day that you have ALSO thrown up your pill and forgotten about it and you are ovulating ....) . But people generally feel that the chance is so remote that the odds are overwhelmingly in favour of living happily their sexuality to the fullest.
It's a bit as if you'd refuse to eat solid foods for fear of choking on a morsel. True , in theory you could still choke even if you eat slowly and chew accurately every morsel, etc.- in practice the adoption of a liquid diet for fear of accidents is a disproportionate, weird cautionary measure and nobody does it.
Also considering that an unwanted pregnancy at 25 .. is still unwanted , but it's not the life shattering , devastating mistake it can be at 15. It's a bump on the road- but one that most adults would be equipped to deal with if they really have to.
So, yes, my take is that there are issues and the fear of pregnancy is just a razionalization for something more deep seated and less openly declarable. Like, staying in the relationship more out of habit than of love, and- subconsciously " saving " yourselves for something better ? ...I really don't know, but if you do a bit of deep digging inside and are honest with yourself, I think you'll come up with the real answer.
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (24 June 2013):
 If you're already on birth control, then what is the problem? I kinda don't believe you that this is a fear of pregnancy. If that was the case, why are you on birth control then already?
I think there's more to it. I think you're not sure he's the one for you, to be honest. And you should be honest with yourself as well. Are you wasting time? Because all of your "reasons" are over now. School is pretty much done. The pill plus condoms are pretty much what you need, and that's already done.
The only reason to delay as long as you have, and especially now that your goals are pretty much reached is because you don't love him, or you think you do but you don't think he's the one you'll spend the rest of your life with.
...............................
|
