A
female
age
51-59,
*ikitia
writes:What should I do? I met John 6 years ago. We both worked for the same hospital. Within first year of dating I got pregnant. He always said we were going to get married and be family. In time I got pregnant 2 more times but miscarried. Shortly after he lost his job but got another job. It was kind of off/on relationship but then a co worker at work that know us a couple told me a year ago that John got married. I tried to stay calm but it worried me could this be true. I confronted him the same day he got mad and didn't speak to me for awhile. I started to try dating other men but it didn't work and I still wouldn't sleep with John because I didn't know if what was said was true or not. He would still call and check on our son. Tell me were going to work things and you'll be Mrs. XXXXX one day. Still in the back of my mind I'm wondering is this true. He always call me from work or his sister's house. Believe me I tried to find out the truth. He claimed he stayed with his sister. Since then I ask him 4 or 5 times he denied it everytime when asked was he married. Within last year he started taking out more time with our son (Son is diagnois with Austism). Support our son financial without really having to be asked. I started thinking maybe he's telling the truth I'm being silly. I should stop being so hard on him, I still do love him. So I decide to take our relationship back to get where it use to be and wanted intimacy. We had planned to have special evening at a hotel. Which we did from time to time. I had change my phone number and of course I gave to him. The morning of the day we were going to go to hotel that evening he came by the house and ask for my phone number because he lost it. Of course I gave it to him no problem later that day we got the hotel had a lot of sex and made promises to each other. I notice my cell phone kept ringing. I wanted time for me and him so I didn't answer. I know after we were done he was going to take me to work I had to be there at 1:00am. He got me there I got settle in at work just before turning my phone off I look at the call I received and saw a number I didn't know and called it. After so many rings a female answered sounded sleepy and told me she found my phone number. She wanted know did I know her husband. I ask her who was husband? She stated: JOHN XXXXX. I could of fell out the chair. She told me they been married for 2 years. She asked me when was the last time I saw him I told her tonight he just drop me off at work. She said thats funny he just now coming in the door like he just got off from work. I told her I was with John from 5:45pm today until 1am. I started to cry and apoligize to her and tell her I asked him many times was he married and he said no. She ask of the detail of our evening and I told her everything I haven't heard from her or him. What do you think is going on and what I should I do? I want to move on with my life but this hurts so bad. I really love John. We have a child together and I misscarried 2 babies and if one child would have lived would have been 2 yrs old. She knows about our son but not about the misscarriages. What do I do? Help!!!!
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male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (29 May 2008):
 I'm really sorry for you and for your son, Nikitia. I can really relate to what you're feeling.
For the time being, I guess all you can do is wait. Maybe John will get in touch with you. After all, he has a son; and, by all the looks of it, he does love your son, even if his behavior has not exactly been the best for a father. If he's always been there to give him a treat, I'm confident that he will return.
Of course, I don't think the relationship can be what it used to be for you. Perhaps the hardest part is that you need to stay in touch with him, for the sake of your son, and, at the same time, need to step to a side.
I hope John's wife has the good heart to see that you and your son have been victims here, just as she was. Maybe your son is who will suffer the most.
With his disadvantage, and with this new fact of his life, you need to teach him to be strong. I don't know how serious his condition is, but many autistic children can indeed become self-sufficient. Work hard, so that your son will be one of them. As of today, perhaps you're all he has, and you need to make him ready for the day when he will not have you. Let's hope that will happen a very long time from now.
You also need to recompose yourself and keep going. Don't become a bitter person, and don't give up. Show your son that life is beautiful and worth living. Only rarely does anyone get a perfect life for free. The secret of it, then is making it beautiful. You can do that.
My heart is with you. I wish you two all the best.
A
female
reader, Nikitia +, writes (29 May 2008):
Nikitia is verified as being by the original poster of the questionToday is Thursday, May 29th. I have not heard from John or the Mrs. at all. I really don't expect to hear from her again unless she gets suspicious of John cheating again. I feel so bad for our son. I know I did the right the thing but now I look my son. He is so used to seeing his dad when gets off his bus from school and have a treat waiting for him. He got the bus today and yesterday and said Dad where Dad? Tears just started rolling down my checks. That jerk! Our son has to suffer for his lies. Now to make ammends with his wife our son has to be neglect until he gets back in good graces with her. How long will that be? By then our son may have a family of his own.
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A
female
reader, Nikitia +, writes (29 May 2008):
Nikitia is verified as being by the original poster of the questionToday is Thursday, May 29th. I have not heard from John or the Mrs. at all. I really don't expect to hear from her again unless she gets suspicious of John cheating again. I feel so bad for our son. I know I did the right the thing but now I look my son. He is so used to seeing his dad when gets off his bus from school and have a treat waiting for him. He got the bus today and yesterday and said Dad where Dad? Tears just started rolling down my checks. That jerk! Our son has to suffer for his lies. Now to make ammends with his wife our son has to be neglect until he gets back in good graces with her. How long will that be? By then our son may have a family of his own.
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A
female
reader, DrPsych  +, writes (28 May 2008):
 I had a miscarriage 2 years ago so I do understand that is emotionally painful. You have to see this situation for what it is and concentrate on what is important here. You have a son with autism who will need intensive specialist care and his father should be supporting him - you shouldn't feel grateful for his financial input there! You are in a relationship with a pathological liar - his wife called you because he probably has a track record of cheating and her suspicions were roused. He is not planning to leave his wife - he could have done that before and made a clean break. He cheated on her, he would cheat on you if you were married to him.
He is doing the having cake and eating it routine rather well, although the fact he can lie for all this time about his wife makes him particularly awful. Stop thinking about being in love with this man, start thinking about loving yourself and your child rather more. He has betrayed you, and will continue to do so if you let him. As you know, children will autism are hugely dependent on routine and stability so walk away for him. John may have access rights to your child, but he doesn't have automatic access rights to your heart or body...he should earn them through respect and he hasn't given you any. There are women who go through life being doormats to men who are willing to use them, and there are women who make a mistake, learn a lesson and walk away to start again.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (28 May 2008):
It is very clear what is going on. He got involved with you, you had a child in the process, but he wanted to stay always at the "friends with benefits and a child" level. Proof of that is he married somebody else.
Now that his wife knows about his sleeping with you, his marriage might just come to an end. That won't mean he will marry you, however. I'm sure he will be very, very angry at your telling his wife what he was doing.
My opinion is that you need to end that relationship with John. He also needs to provide for his son. And that's it.
Take care.
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