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female
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anonymous
writes: HiMy b/f and i were at a bar that was somewhat grundgy. The bartender had these ugly tatoos on her arm and something in her lip and wearing leather so her bo*bs can hang out a little. And it pretty much looked disgusting. By the time we were ready to leave she asks about working there b/c i was good looking. I just laughed and we left. My b/f said something in the car like in a joking way oh she was hitting on you. And i just said ugh she was kind of disgusting and my b/f said--she was cute. And i said even with those huge tatoos--and he said what do i care about that. If you put a long sleeved-shirt on her and took out that stuff in her lip, she is cute. She has a pretty face.And i basically got really angry at him saying this about her. (like putting a little too much thought about how she would look if she did this and this). And then he was trying to be cute i guess and said what i can only find you cute..but basically i got really angry at him for finding a girl like that cute. My b/f has slept with girls and has only brought home very very few. So i actually did say to him--if you find a girl like that attractive--i'm sure its just for sex and i can't really imagine what kind of girls you were with. My b/f got angry at this but ITS TRUE. Chances are, if you didn't have a lot of relationships and rarely brought home any--it was probably being with them for the short term(sex, their body etc). He said so b/c i didn't bring them home that says something about what kind of person they are. And i said--if you didn't care about them, how do you know what type of person they are and he said this is true. But basically he said he isn't going to apologize for that fact that i'm not the only girl he will find attractive(which felt hurtful to me)
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2006): I tend to agree with the other male readers, only because I have been in your shoes. The best thing you can do, is say "Yes, she was cute" and then change the subject...move on-let it go! There is nothing wrong with looking. I can bet my bottom dollar, if you were in the presence of an incredibly good looking man, you would admire the scenery. I always say to women when their man finds another women attractive, it’s only "what" he does with that attraction that matters. If he's simply looking, ignore it. Some women have trouble with this due to insecurities and jealous feelings. Jealousy feelings are a form of control and many women forget that notion. Jealousy is a huge negative and even a death knell to a relationship. Demonstrating jealousy is saying all the wrong things about you - insecurity, lack of trust, lack of self esteem and lack of belief in yourself and him. Realize it was OK for him to think, she was cute. What is not okay-is that you are trying to use your jealousy to control not only his behavior, but his thoughts! You simply cannot do that. Just because you think a particular way doesn’t mean other people do, as well. And this is where you are going over the line, hun. Dear, if you continue being this way, you are setting yourself up for further anger and resentment, in your future with this man. Accept that men do this and it does not mean they love you any less. All you can ask, is he be more respectful toward you and not blatantly point it out, especially if he knows how this behaviour of his, makes you feel. .
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reader, I Dont Lie +, writes (20 November 2006):
 I pity your boyfriend, the things he puts up with when hes with you. That whole tattoo, working there, blah blah blah wasnt even an issue to begin with. You just made a mole hill out of nothing! I can tell you one thing tho, a girl like you needs a guy like him, because he'll gladly compliment and believe what you say about him, which obviously will give you self-confidence and control of the relationship, so honestly, dont dump him!
You must be thinking what a pratt I am for being this harsh to you, but hey, you know what, thats nothing compared to how harsh you were to him! Think about this, what did he do that was so wrong, that you thought it was such an issue that you needed to consult others here? My opinion, you got angry when he threw it all back in your face, and wouldnt just sit there and take your crap, thats when you went ballistic right? If you dont want to lose him, I suggest you realise what youre missing and start treating him better! Good luck.
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male
reader, realguy +, writes (20 November 2006):
I have to admit when I first read the beginning of your post, I laughed out loud but I totaly get your angst. You also must live in either San Fran or Seattle :)
First of all, stop, take a breath, meditate a little and realize that you are VERY lucky that your b/f trusts you enough to be this honest with you in the first place. Most guys would not be, in this type of situation as I hate to break it to you but no matter how much a guy might love you or find you the hottest thing since chocolate mousse, they will find other woman attractive period, yes sometimes even more than you but it is just Physical attraction and sexual curiosity, so feel your jealousy but then park it on the curb with a twisted smile. Also, men are often initially attracted to a woman that might embody the complete opposite of you. That's normal. I know it sounds like were alien beings but were just wired that way. ANY guy that tells you different is full of B/S. I suggest turning your lemon into lemon aid. Have fun with the fact that he finds "goth girl" attractive. You can both have some light fun about it and at the same time maybe find out a little bit more about what might make him tick inside. I'm not suggesting you go out and get some big tats and let you tits hang out in public or something like that but maybe you can walk on the wild side with him a little more such as go back to the bar with him wearing something slightly provocative and you flirt with tat girl in front of him, just for fun. It might make him crazy for you by creating some fire in your relationship or if you don't begin to trust and open up a little to what makes him tick, he may just get frustrated with trying to be honest with you, getting slapped for it and will begin to wonder for real if he is better off with tat girl than you. You have an awesome opportunity to embrace your b/f's honest, loving male self, don't blow it.
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reader, eddie  +, writes (19 November 2006):
Do you REALLY think you're the only woman he finds attractive? REALLY? That would be totally impossible and unrealistic. If he told you that, it wold be a lie. Is he the only man you've ever found attractive? I doubt it. Just because you're in a relationship, doesn't mean the rest of the world no longer exists. IF your guy dropped dead today, do you think you'd never meet another man you find attractive. Of course you would, which means he already exists. If he already exists, then he is out there and if you met tomorrow he would attact you. BUT, because you're in a relationship, you wouldn't focus on the fact and just move on. That is what tests a relationship and makes it valuable.
If we jumped ship every time we came across an attractive person, our lives would be very hollow. That is what makes a relationship special. You choose that person. You decide to share everything with them, good and bad. Maybe that woman in the bar was attractive to your man, in some small way. That doesn't mean you're not attractive to him too. Do you think you are the only one who is attactive?
Unfortunately, beauty of the skin deep kind, is what sells. Look at Hollywood and all the crackpots that thrive there. On the surface, they have it all. Most though have miserable love lives. These people are easy on the eyes but inside, they have as many hangups as the rest of us. You guy went and left the bar with you. HE made a comment you didn't like and you've built a case on it. He can't prove to you anything you want to hear. When he said he found that bartender pretty, what you heard was that you were not pretty. I understand that his words were hurting you but in reality, and this is important, you were hearing the words with unrealistic expectations already embedded in your mind.
Remember, you can't control how or what people think or feel. WE can only control how we react to our feelings. One thing is certain though, he now knows he can't tell you certain things because you'll jump to conclusions.
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reader, Green +, writes (19 November 2006):
It appears to me that you are insecure that your man finds women attractive. You have to know that most heterosexual men look at women. They look at their curves and face, they like the sound of their voice or the way they treat him. It's very empowering to a man to not only find someone attractive, but to also feel that back. Do you realize that you are one of those women he is attracted to? And, do you think it's a voluntary choice to stop being attracted to people? He will probably always be attracted to women but there's one thing it seems you're overlooking: He's with you. Do you think someone should apologize for their ability to see past what you believe to be flaws in people? He may look, but his love is for you. Stop trying to 'test' his love for you. Where does your insecurity stem from? I have a feeling you need to look deeper within yourself and your past to figure out at what point you started feeling unworthy. I have a feeling it's way before you met him.
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