A
male
age
30-35,
*rusie
writes: I'm an 18 year old male/senior in high school. This girl I know came back home from college for winter break this last few weeks. She told me she had a boyfriend and that we couldn't let anything happen, regardless of the history we have as close friends/hookup buddies. That resolve didn't last long, however. Over the next three weeks we spent a lot of time together (nearly every day) and broke all rules of fidelity, having sex multiple times and becoming emotionally involved with one another. Sometime during week 3 of her stay here at home we told each other that we loved the other. I was dubious as to how serious we could be saying such weighty things. Today's Monday the 2nd and she left yesterday morning to back to California and her real boyfriend. As fleeting as I knew our pseudo relationship was, I still failed to be prepared for her leaving with the knowledge that I won't see her for another 6 months (about). I know that it's only been two days, but good god do I miss her. I didn't think in that short amount of time I could've fallen for a girl, but now that I'm here and she's gone, I realize that there was something special there. My question is: How do I cope with this? She's not lost to me as we text sweet things occasionally, but she's got a boyfriend and 6 months to get serious with him, and I'm scared to death of losing her. Advice?
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male
reader, Trusie +, writes (4 January 2012):
Trusie is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell shit. I don't like that, haha. Sounds like I'm screwed then 'till I have her back in my arms.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (4 January 2012):
 and you know she's with him how?
Let me tell you that men fall in love when they miss a woman. women fall in love when they are with a man....
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A
male
reader, Trusie +, writes (4 January 2012):
Trusie is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI thought about potentially talking to her about it. I ended up thinking that by being all serious it would push her away. I adopted the mentality that if I just let her spend time with him, she'll realize how much more right I am for her (I believe I am better than this dude). So rather than forcing her to that conclusion I'll allow her to reach it herself through missing me. And I can remind her of how awesome I am subtly (and with pics of my dog that she loves haha).Miss Confused, For the most part it appears she's just going back to school (after all they've only been together a month, and if he's not as romantically serious as I supposedly am - according to her - that's not much). However she obviously cares about him a little since she's back there with him. Perhaps she just craves the attention and would rather be with him than single?
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (4 January 2012):
 Ok, but summer is in 6 months time, what is she going to do in the meantime ? F...ing Cali guy's brains off ?
Or, did she actually mention /promise dumping him ? And ( the most difficult question :) supposing she tells you, Don't worry, my Colorado lover, I have decided you are the one and only, Cali guy is but a faint ,distant memory "... can you believe, will you believe her- ( since she has not the best track record for sincerity and loyalty ) ?
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (4 January 2012):
Well then it sounds to me like maybe she’s not “returning to the Cali. Boyfriend but rather to school….
LDRS due to school CAN work sometimes…
Maybe you need to talk to her about it?
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A
male
reader, Trusie +, writes (4 January 2012):
Trusie is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYea I won't be second to anyone. The only way I'd want to "hold onto her" would be to feel like I mean enough to her. And no she didn't say anything definitive when she left. Her last night here was New Years Eve. We went to this party and afterward spent from 1-4 at my house and then I took her home, and we had a really surreal goodbye. We sat outside her house trying to make the time last and such. She said she loved me. I said I loved her. I kissed her goodnight, and she went inside, and then she left the next day for 2nd quarter at school. Since she's been back we've just been texting here and there throughout the day about this and that. But to answer your question, there was no definite end. If anything it was ambiguous and a stretch to really call it an end. More like an inevitable separation, while waiting to see what/if something happens over summer.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (4 January 2012):
So did she TELL YOU when she left “I’m done with you and returning to my Cali. Boyfriend” or are you making the assumption that it’s over?
Have you contacted her?
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (4 January 2012):
"Once there, it makes no logical sense etc. "
Yes - but if your interlude had really been so special to her, would logical considerations have so much weight ? I doubt it. If you are head over heels for guy A , you don't go " yes, but it's more sensible and practical to stay with guy B " . Particularly since we are talking about only 6 months . If you are willing to stay " on hold " because she is a special person who gave you something special, why could not she do the same for you IF you were as special to her ?...
Ultimately, the choice is yours and if you want to hold on to your feelings rather than moving on, nobody will stop you. But ask yourself first if, and for how long, you'd feel comfortable in your role of back-up boy.
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A
male
reader, Trusie +, writes (4 January 2012):
Trusie is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYea I agree. I'm just stating that she meets a dude at college (in Cali). Begins dating him, and about a month later goes home for winter vacation. Once there an old flame is reignited with a boy she has an extensive history with. Unfortunately rather than nurturing that love she has to return to California. Once there it makes no logical sense to end a relationship that could have potential and makes her happy, for one that is on hold if anything at all, and is too distanced to actually work. The sequence is more like Colorado Guy-Cali Guy-Colorado Guy-Cali Guy...
Regardless, I realize the truth that she's gone and I'm out of a girl I love. At the same time I wish someone would indulge my hopes that I am more important in her mind, and should hold onto my feelings for her.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (4 January 2012):
"If she weren't leaving to go to school in California, we would have stayed together as a couple "
Or also not . Anyway, she IS going back to California, so stay with what it is. Don't do like those poor girls who write us " Well sure , he is married, and he has kids, and he just got his wife pregnant again... but he really loves me and if it wasn't because of the wife and children and new baby on the way, he would be with me ..."
Plus, pardon me, but why the fact of physically being in California would oblige her to have a Californian bf if she did not want him ? I lived in California, there was no law compelling the residents to mate among themselves, they let me keep my non - Californian husband :).
If the sequence is : Cali guy first- Colorado guy- Cali guy again , it's self explanatory.
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A
male
reader, Trusie +, writes (4 January 2012):
Trusie is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt seems the general consensus is that I'm a horny 18 year old who misses the girl I was having steady sex with who I happened to like. 60% of me believes that be true, however logic tells me that just because I'm young and like sex, that does not limit me to only having somewhat superficial relationships with equally sexual young women. Isn't it possible the short time I spent with her was the beginnings of a special relationship, that is being downplayed by the circumstances surrounding it? Consider the options, folks. Although I do enjoy the cynical approach you male readers have to the whole situation. "Dude, you liked the sex. That's what you miss. That's all you miss. Good luck." haha
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A
male
reader, Trusie +, writes (3 January 2012):
Trusie is verified as being by the original poster of the questionCindy,
She goes to school in California, but we are from Colorado. So for break, she's back here with me for a month-ish. So it seemed to me that if she weren't leaving to go back to Cali, we would've stayed together as a couple. It just so happens that her boyfriend is where she attends school, meaning that by going back after break, she's de facto 'going back to him'. Basically I'm just uncertain how to handle the situation in terms of the future/assess the reality of what her and I created while she was home.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (3 January 2012):
 Let's assess the part of your submittal that has the REAL CRUX of your "question" in it..... To wit:
"I know that it's only been two days, but good god do I miss her. I didn't think in that short amount of time I could've fallen for a girl, but now that I'm here and she's gone, I realize that there was something special there..."
Between the words "miss" and "her"... insert the words "s*x with"....
Replace "something special" with "some special s*x"....
There... now doesn't that make your problem go away????
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (3 January 2012):
Oh I see what you mean. She would not be like that with you, because you are the one whom she is REALLY in love with, and what you two had together is so much more important and so much more special than what she had with her boyfriend, and she only went back to him because....
Yeah, refresh my memory please. If she actually prefers you, the reason why she went back to her boyfriend is....?
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A
male
reader, Trusie +, writes (3 January 2012):
Trusie is verified as being by the original poster of the questionP.S. I always appreciate a good euphemism, so to the man who referred to me as the "rental penis", points to you.
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A
male
reader, Trusie +, writes (3 January 2012):
Trusie is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYea. I guess you are right (all of you). Perhaps I needed to hear (read) it somewhere other than from my own mind or from my family/friends. As soon as I forced myself into believing the reality that: yes it was cool, but now its over, I felt better. Thanks all for answering my question (even if some of your answers were quite blunt haha) Hope I can forget about her the way she'll forget about me. Just wish I was going to college after break and not back to high school. Happy new year!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2012): Sounds to me like you haven't lost very much, bar regular sex here. You can't 'lose' somebody you have never actually had,she has a boyfriend who she's with now,poor lad.
How would you feel if you WERE her boyfriend full-time, you would never trust her would you...think about it.
Put it down to festive fun and keep yourself busy, don't text her, just move on, because you will meet somebody else, who is free, even if you can't imagine it now.
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A
male
reader, Trusie +, writes (3 January 2012):
Trusie is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI would agree with you on the "once a cheater always a cheater" front, but (stupid as it sounds) I just don't think she'd be like that with me, but I guess I would never know. Perhaps I just don't want to believe that my newest and most alluring love interest is anything but in love with and faithful to me. That make me a sucker?
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (3 January 2012):
I'd be scared to death of keeping her. "Once a cheater always a cheater " and that kind of stuff. She told you you could not let anything like that happen, but it did for 3 weeks multiple times , so she can't use the " I just got carried away- lost my head for a moment " excuse. Also, she can't use the " it was stronger than us -love at first sight - took me totally by surprise ".
Yours was a fling, she knew it was going to be only a fling, and now she is back to her real life with her real boyfriend ( poor kid ). In 6 months she'll be back and probably decide to " rinse and repeat ", and to keep you keen in the meantime she'll drop occasional sweet nothings by text. No big effort, she can do that while she 's watching TV, or cuddling with her BF even.
What's special is her ability to have her cake and eat it too.
Some times your losses are your gains...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2012): Honestly you can't lose her, because despite what she has said or how it felt, she wasn't yours, She was still her boyfriend's. Keep yourself busy, spend time with friends and find some hobbies to occupy your spare time. Until she is single, she can't be yours. If she truly wanted you as you think, she would be with you because she knows that she could have you, she has decided that she does not want to be your girlfriend, she wants to be his. I know it hurts, and I am sorry it does, but the more you hold onto something that really isn't yours to begin with, the more hurt you will be.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2012): "We had a lot of sex but she has a B/f whom she's gone back to, and I'm scared to death of losing her"
Sorry to have to give you an unwelcome dose of reality, but you've already "lost" her. When a girl goes back to a previous boyfiend, she's telling you in to "get lost" in no uncertain terms.
You weren't her temporary or substitute boyfriend to replace the one she left behind in California, you were
her rental penis while she was home on break.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2012): you do realize she is currently having sex with the both of you... Right? Shes cheating on not just him with you... Shes cheating on the both of you... Its nothing special... Its just a girl you should keep a hook up friendship with. The girl for you thats truly special wont have a boyfriend she is cheating on...
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