A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hey everyone, I need some advice. I have been in a relationship for about a year and a half...its actually been a year and four months. Anyways we were doing great... everyting was perfect but I had a bad feeling and when we were drunk I asked if he was happy and he told me we would talk the next day. So we talked the next night after making dinner, having fun, hanging out and doing everything we love to do together ...thats when he said he didnt think I was the one he wanted to marry.... .I just lost it becasue I didnt see it coming. He said he had been thinking about it for about a month and has felt the feeling when he wants to marry someone and he doesnt feel it with me. So this leads to a few things... *he felt the feeling of marrying another girl and she treated him like crap and he broke it off after four years*a month ago (when he said he started feeling this way) ..his best friend called to say they were pregnant and then another friend had a kid and we just went to a wedding and had friends and family talking about marriage or "oh you will have kids running around soon" ...I think he got scared because he is in his early thirties and i am in my middle twenties and he just felt pressured...or like his world was coming in around him. He said he wasnt sure where our relationship is going like we should take the next step but we havent and he still lives in a room off his friends garage and I have my own apartment so I never brought up moving in because I wasnt sure if it was the right time or what to do....We are both at the same point in our lives with finishing college nad its just so out of the blue. He told me he wanted this to work otu but he jsut didnt know what to do so we decided to go on a break and he told me to be strong and that he does love me but he is just unsure of everything. He said he cares about me so much and I am always in his heart...but what do I do? To me and friends it seems like he is scared and at a point in our relationship where he doesnt know how to go on ...I just need some advice as to what you all think to do? I havent talked to him for four days and we never really said how long this would last ..we agreed not to see each other but that we could still talk.
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male
reader, rcn +, writes (30 July 2009):
 You two are completing school. This is a big stepping stone in both of your lives. You said throughout your writing, "i think", so questions are left unanswered. I understand needing a break, but I really don't understand taking one without a strong grasp on the reasons.
Such as, if he's afraid, fear is the issue, not the relationship or you. It could be not just about fear of "family life" it could be afraid of what's coming after school. What happens a lot, giving reason for these breaks, is lack of communication. I'm not talking, how was you day kind of talk, I'm talking about communicating your feelings. Often, people view trials, and feelings of fear as being weak, so instead of discussing, they let those feelings grow and grow until it's "go crazy or take a beak."
When you begin working this out, I know it's fun to have fun, but I want you two to pick one evening a week, where you have dinner and after dinner, no tv or distractions, and just sit and talk. May not always be fear discussions, but doing this will allow you to connect at a deeper level, and this is what may be needed to feel secure, and move on to the next level.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2009): When you are unsure of wanting to step further in a relationship, it's best not to lead the other person on. He did the right thing. And it's best he was honest with you.Don't find excuses for him: that he is scared, or that he feels pressurised, but listen to what he says to you and focus on this information he gave you: he is not ready to commit. When you enter a commitment, you must be able to dedicate proper time for its development, or it can easily turn into a case of "running with the hare and the hounds". It doesn't quite seem that either of you is in a stage where you are ready for commitment, he lives in a garage, you are busy with college... It may be this why he doesn't see it "going anywhere". You can also talk to him to have a more clear idea of what doesn't work and understand his logic better. Be careful, if it is something he has been thinking for quite a while now, it probably rests on a solid basis, at least by the way he sees things. Hard though it may seem now, you must keep yourself busy, talk to your friends, continue those studies. Ultimately if your break becomes more than temporary you will have to move on and be open to other options.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2009): i wouldnt rush it..seriously everyone thinks you have to get married in a hurry..why.. ya know? :)
just take things slowly, im sure he will marry you eventually but if you pressure him he will run a mile..even if you are the girl for him
best of luck :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFatherly Advice, thank you for your answers they are very reassuring which I need right now. I dont think that we are breaking up ...he wants to make this work he said so himself I just think he needs time to breathe and realize that what we have is great and I know he does want to have kids and get married and he hasnt been able to hold a stable relationship since his last one of four years so everything is a point of fear right now. Thank you for all of yoru answers so far... I need the positive reassurance.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (30 July 2009):
 Smart guy, He didn't say it when he was drunk, he was completely open and honest with you. You think he doesn't know his own heart. I think that you are right. He is under pressure and has been hurt. Many guys would go for the marriage as a safe route. He wants to be sure. A good sign of mature caution. Talk to him after six or seven days total have passed. So this weekend. Reassure him that he is still the light in your life. Ask him when you two can get together for a day date, but don't pressure him if he doesn't give you a date. The time away gives him time to think with the big head on his shoulders, as opposed to the others smaller one. He can examine his emotions without the hormones talking. By the way he is happy. He just is not sure about it.
FA
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A
female
reader, Starlights  +, writes (30 July 2009):
 your bf was hurt in his previous relationship so he's scared of making that commitment again.
i would say although you both get along well, he still remembers what has happened before when he did try to settle down with a girl and the thought of doing that all over again scares him.
this is probably why he said he doesnt see himself marrying you.
maybe he feels about all girls like that now.
if he cares about you and your in his heart like he says, stick with him.
he sound honest & in time , im sure, the feelings will grow deeper for him, and then maybe eventually he will start to reconsider his comment.
until then dont give up something good.
good luck
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A
male
reader, lonestarchalk1 +, writes (30 July 2009):
 Be greatful he's being honest with you right now in your life, rather than being honest 20 years from now and 20 years of living hell and misery being married to him. I know this is hard for you and you've got alot invested in this guy, but just keep people around you who support you and things will get better as you try to move on.
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