A
female
age
,
*porked
writes:Help! I have been seeing this terrific guy for 1 1/2 years. We are the best of friends and we have so much in common. The thing is friendship grew into love and we have been inseparable pretty much since we met.He is good to me and I am good to him. The problem comes in when he shuts me off in a serious conversation. He doesn't want to talk about it. So here I go. I need some help, advice and I would love to hear a mans take on my questions. What I have written is very small about the wonderful things about our relationship, but heres a few things I need help with. We want to be together but he doesn't want that until my 17 year old boy is out of school (senior year coming up) and moved out on his own...so i am saying he does'nt want my son living there. The main reason is he doesn't want my sons friends hanging out at the house. (they are all good kids) I have told him I could respect the privacy issue and respect his home and that could be solved with a simple talk with my son. My son and my boyfriend get along well. My boyfriend has a 21 year old daughter at college and comes home whenever she can and stays. But it hurts that we are apart because he can't accept my son into his home. Secondly...there are times when he totally shuts me out...turns cold on me. He will show no emotion or affection...and well..sex is definetly out of the question. He says I am being demanding when I iniate sex. He says that sex is great and that it has nothing to do with me...(?) but that is how it makes me feel...Why do guys feel this way about someone they say they love? Ok, here is another biggie...he has been divorced for almost 2 years and was separated before that...but would still like to keep in touch with his X (who has been with the same boyfriend for over a year). He wants to keep in touch by email...he emailed her Happy mothers day...Happy birthday on her birthday and on their daughters birthday....but he says that he is over her. And heres another one...in the time that he was separated and divorced from his X, he had another gal that he had planned on marrying. She died from a drug overdose of pain medication due to medical problems. I met him shortly after this happened. He has grown to know her family more since she died...and he goes to see them often. They are having a family BBQ on a saturday but the thing is it is during "our" week of vacation and he wants to be home to go to it. I won't go knowing that it will be very uncomfortable around her family..and most likely she will be talked about often. I don't want to put myself through that so I won't go...but he is going. I cancelled the vacation we had planned...or lets say postponed it. I couldn't see having to cut things short for us over the BBQ. These are things that eat at me...and make me feel insecure about our relationship. I would appreciate any and all advice any of you can give me. Men and women...I need to know what you think...any advice...I would like honest blunt truth please.Thank you so much for reading my question/problems and thank in advance for answering me.Sporked
View related questions:
divorce, insecure, moved out Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (13 July 2010):
The honest blunt truth. I admire you for saying that, because there are some Red Flags here that will make you think twice.
1 - He doesn't want your son there, and wants him out the house. Yet you can be sure he will insist his own family can stay. A bit cruel, and a bit hypocritical. He can't just send your son away and expect him not to come back, whilst also making it clear his own daughter will be welcome 24 hours a day.
2 - Perhaps the most important part here, is that he often just shuts you out, and you get nothing. No love, no affection, no nothing. I get that couples do need to spend time alone sometimes just to think or something. But to turn cold and then claim that you're demanding is not a good thing.
3 - Him keeping in contact with his ex who is also the mother of their daughter is something he will have to do. There's never getting away from the fact that she's the mother of his daughter, and he needs to keep on contact with her. That's not something that I think is a problem.
4 - There was another woman he was meant to marry before, and she died. To stay in contact with her family is perhaps something that would never have been stopped. But to cut short a vacation because of a BBQ, and to happily leave you at home while he goes off, is also a bit cold.
I think that you're more of a companion that a woman he loves. And it could be that rather than being a girlfriend, you're more of a replacement who he met very quickly and decided to latch onto while he could. You seem like a really lovely woman. He seems like a guy who no longer has any idea about what he wants, and is willing to just latch onto you to get energy before clearing off to do his own thing. I mean, to him you weren't even worth a full vacation without him wanting to come to go to a BBQ that he doesn't really need to attend. I think you're a companion who is just there because he's lonely. I don't think you're the love of his life. In short, I don't think this man is a man you should be with. I think you can find a man who does love you elsewhere, and will accept your son and you as you are.
|
