A
male
age
51-59,
*edjpd
writes:Hi, My girlfriend and I broke up last week after 3 years together. We have had a pretty rocky last couple of months and we have had a couple of major fights at least once a month for the past number of months. We can both be stubborn and when we argue we are both too quick to get stuck into each other and usually end up saying hurtful things about each other that we don't really mean. We then both go off and sulk for a few days only communicating by way of text and even then we can be nasty to each other. Usuallu things end up on the verge of break-up and we have a heart to heart where we both say sorry and promise to change - but still we end up back in the same position after a few short weeks. In between things are usually great.I think a big problem is that we don't see enough of each other - I work regular office hours and she works shifts which mean she can be home after 12 most nights and have to work weekends. This usually means that we rarely get the chance to have fun nights out together or quality time together.I suppose i have been guilty of not making the effort at times by going to bed early etc on the nights she is working but I do have to get up usually at 7.00am. When she is working weekend nights I usually go out with my friends and this can lead to rows when we meet up later - especially if I have drink taken and she has none.Where she works she also has lots of colleagues and she they would organise alot of her free nights out with them or her family.Last weekend we had a relatively trivial fight and I stormed out and we didn't communicate for a couple of days - and then we started to text each other but these were negative and we both said we wanted to finish.Once it got to that stage I tried to rectify things by saying I was sorry and asked to meet up with her to talk things through - I tried to explain my feelings for her in a letter and asked for another chance. She has said there is no going back as we always end up in the same place. I asked her to take time to consider things and that we needed to talk face to face. She has refused and said this is goodbye.I have respected her wishes the past few days even though I feel we could resolve things if only we could meet up and talk about our problems.I hope that after a few days or weeks apart she may will contact me and we may get the chance to talk things through. I know that she has spent the past few days mulling over the situation with her four sisters and close friends who work with her. I feel like maybe contacting one of her sisters who I get on well with to see how my ex is feeling now and whether there is any prospect of a reconciliation - I don't know if this is a good idea or not. I have even thought about calling round just to bring things to a head.I have tried to distract myself the last few evenings but suppose I would just like to bring matters to a head soon and see if there is any prospect of a reonciliation. I know my partner can be stubborn and I always seem to be to blame. I am prepared to deliver change this time. Am I wasting my time? should I let things be and give her time and space?I just want to know one way or the other.
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female
reader, sarcy24  +, writes (29 March 2007):
 Hi there,
I am sorry you are going through such an awful time and that you are feeling sad. From experience and talking to many people and reading many articles the best thing to do is to give her some space and leave her alone for a period of one month. During this period of time she will have calmed down, be remembering all the things that she liked about you and doing with you and will be receptive to hearing from you again. It could well be that she herself will call you within a few days because she too is missing you but if not leave it for a while ( if you can and I know it is SO hard) and then call her and ask to meet for coffee or somewhere that you know she enjoys. 3 years is a long time and she will not want to see the end of the relationship of that length of time any more than you do, she just wants leaving on her own to think for a while. All books and articles on getting someone back say this is the best thing to do ,- to have absolutely no contact for a period of one month. Things do and will calm down during this period of time. I wish you all the best and am sure she will return.
A
male
reader, redjpd +, writes (29 March 2007):
redjpd is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the advice - I am hurting right now and know that she is probably too. I think we probably need a bit of time apart to get things into perspective. I don't want to push her anymore - I have given her a letter outlining my feelings for her and apologising to her. Maybe when she has had time to mull over that and get her own head in order she may contact me.
If I see people who know her I will simply ask how she's doing and say I was asking after her without intruding.
Maybe counselling would help - maybe if we went together it may be better.
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A
female
reader, Melanne +, writes (29 March 2007):
 I am sorry to hear about you splitting up with your girlfriend 3 years is a long time and will bring with it a lot of memories. It doesn't sound like it was an easy split either because you argued a lot and said a lot of hurtful things to each other this must really hurt you right now. The fact that there were good times in between will also add to confusion of whether it was the right thing to do splitting up.
It does sound a bit like you are blaming yourself when you mention that you could have tried harder. It sounds as though you were both very busy with work which cannot be helped. It sounds as though you have strong feelings still for your ex which after 3 years isn't surprising. You mention if there would be any chance of reconciliation and it is almost as though you are in denial that you have split from your girlfriend which is a normal reaction to the loss that you are going through.
You aks whether you should let things be and give her space. If you push her into a reconciliation there is a possibility that you could lose her friendship. However, maybe writing a letter to her with your feelings in would be a good idea. At the moment you are feeling all kinds of emotions and maybe it would be a good idea to have some time away from your ex to work these emotions through. It might be an idea to find a good counsellor so you can talk through your feelings as this is not an easy time for you. I would also recommend you seeing your doctor as he might be able to give you some medication such as a low dose antidepressant just to get you through this time. I think it would also be good to take this time for you and do something you enjoy. Eventually your ex will contact you though it may take some time.
It certainly sounds like you have a good friendship and your ex realises this and is unlikely to want to let that friendship go. It may be that you have to wait a while in the meantime take the time for you. Do something you enjoy and try to deal with the pain that has been left. If you push your ex for a reconciliation you may lose her friendship altogether. I know this isn't easy for you, you are hurting right now. Don't be afaid to cry because crying is the body's healer. Don't bottle your emotions in you have faced a big loss. 3 years is a long time and you have a lot of memories. In time you will remember the good memories that you shared though right now it is painful. All the best to you.
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