A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi! I really need your help to get out of this mess. My husband and I have been married for 5 years. Both of us are in medical profession. Two days ago we had a huge row regarding a business he recently started with one of his friends. We ended up calling each other names. I was the one who started it and he continued til we both were really hurt. We went to sleep in seperate rooms that night. Next day morning I went to him and said sorry. This has happened twice before. We do fight but tee don’t curse or call each other ugly names. So after I apologized he didn’t forgive me or say sorry. He said it’s time for us to think about the relationship again and seperate if needed. I said I promise I won’t do it again. Since then he has been moody and is not talking to me at all. He makes morning tea for both of us but doesn’t call me. He eats alone(we used to eat together all the time). Again today in the morning while having my tea I said sorry to him. He said let’s just stay this way and seperate if needed. Can you please advice me what to do? I agree it was my fault to start a fight. But I have tolerated his problems and his family(they have been ill treating me for years) for 5 years. Is it a huge mistake that we have to seperate? I do love him and still want to be married to him. One more problem is we are having trouble conceiving. We have been seeing a doctor for a while now. After the fight he said since we don’t have kids it’s easy to go on our seperate ways. It really hurt me a lot. I don’t know what to do. I just want to forget the fight and move on with our lives. Please help me!
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male
reader, chrischris2019  +, writes (28 October 2020):
Sorry, but it sounds like he has already made up his mind that it is over.
A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice  +, writes (27 June 2020):
 You are welcome of course.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2020): Hi OP here. Thanks a lot FA. You have no idea how you and others helped me to get through this difficult situation. I’m forever grateful to you. We agreed to go for counseling this weekend. Things are slowly getting back to normal now. I will work on my anger issues. So will he. I hope to be a better person for my husband and for myself as well. Thanks once again for your kind words and support. I appreciate it very much.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2020): Hi OP here. Thanks a lot FA. You have no idea how you and others helped me to get through this difficult situation. I’m forever grateful to you. We agreed to go for counseling this weekend. Things are slowly getting back to normal now. I will work on my anger issues. So will he. I hope to be a better person for my husband and for myself as well. Thanks once again for your kind words and support. I appreciate it very much.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (25 June 2020):
Accept the offer to attend counciling. It is the only route to the reconciliation you desire. I also think that you should promise each other not to use harsh language with each other. It is a start, but not enough.
You are both going to have to accept and own the fact that you did deliberately hurt each other. No pretending it never happened, or you didn't mean it.
The big step is to build trust. Trust is made of promises made and kept.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2020): Hi OP here. I just wanted to give my wonderful supporters a little update. Today we sat down and spoke about our issues. Apparently my husband thinks I have anger issues and that I don’t support him well enough with his new business. He said he wants his personal space because he feels like I’m invading his privacy a bit too much like whenever he gets a call, I ask who is it and why etc. I agree to this but I usually ask not out of doubt, it’s just a habit. We finally agreed to go on counseling to sort out issues. He said he is fine with any decision I make. He said he doesn’t want us to keep fighting for ever and he would be okay if we decided to get a divorce. He wants me to promise him that I will never ever use any bad word during a fight. What do I do?sorry for my bad English, it’s my 2nd language.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (22 June 2020):
Thanks for the follow up. I'm still worried. See a counselor, alone if you have to. Crisis center if that is available.
You are not really capable of swallowing this.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2020): Hi OP here! I’m so thankful for your support. The situation remains the same as of now. I will keep you updated. Thank you so much. Means the world to me.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (21 June 2020):
 If a conversation rapidly turns into an argument there are some unresolved issues and those DO need to be talked about.
My husband and I have always stuck to the "don't go to bed mad at each other". And it works (for us). Because it means WE have to at least talk about issues and how to resolve them. Doesn't mean issues are cleared up right away, sometime we agree to take a night or a couple of days to think on the issue and solutions, but we don't play the "silent treatment" with each other.
I think your husband wants out and he is GOADING you into being the aggressor, and you don't even know it. So switch it up. If you FEEL like yelling at him or you get angry over something or HE yells at you, tell him calmly. I need to take a time-out because I don't want this to be the way we communicate.
So while you have so far had a great relationship, WHAT has changed?
I would also tell him, I want to give you some space but I do want to discuss these issues so we can find a solution together. I don't WANT to yell at you and I don't WANT you to yell at me. So I will give you some space and time, but the silent treatment is not working for me. If you don't WANT to talk about things, that is fine, just say so.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2020): Hi. I’m OP. Just wanted to say thanks for the wonderful support. The situation remains the same. He is still not talking to me. I’m giving him space to get his head sorted out. Hopefully things become okay. Will update you again. My posts are not getting posted. Thanks for so very much for your support.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2020): Hi OP here. Thank you all for your wonderful support. The situation remains the same as of now. I will keep you updated. Thank you once again. Means a lot to me.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2020): Hi OP here. Thank you all for your wonderful support. The situation remains the same as of now. I will keep you updated. Thank you once again. Means a lot to me.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2020): You want to stay in the marriage he doesn't. He wants out. It is not your fault nor it is his. This will not go away. It will only become more difficult as years pass. My advice you should accept your marriage is no longer working because your husband wants to end it. Accept the separation and eventual divorce if things don't work out. You are still young you can start anew with someone more compatible. Sorry can't say otherwise.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2020): [EDIT]: Typo corrections.
"I don't care whether you are believers, or not."
Will you comeback and keep us updated? We may not know the answers, but allow us to give you comfort. I know it's tough; and going through this pandemic, we all need to stick together and offer each other help and encouragement.
God bless you, my dear!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2020): There is always something at the root of arguments, something deep beneath the surface that fuels the anger and the anguish. People fight, but they dance around what is really bothering them, they are unable to discuss what troubles them deep-down. They turn to anger just to vent their frustrations; but they hide behind their stubbornness and defensiveness, and the true problem is never addressed. Just a lot of mean words are exchanged. Everyone ends up hurting, yet the problem remains.
I see two problems. Before I go into any detail about that, lets first consider that you are both in the medical profession.
The Covid 19 pandemic has placed an immense amount of stress and strain on people in that line of work. Be it front-liners like doctors and nurses; or supportive-staff like nursing assistants and attendants. To the administrative staff, who don't actually treat patient's; but fear coming in-contact with infection. You see illness and death around you. Even if you don't actually experience the suffering and death; you are in close proximity of it, and it has a rippling-affect and a serious impact on everyone psychologically and emotionally. Therefore, when people return home exhausted and distraught over what a days work presents; they now must transition from their job-frustrations to their personal-lives.
Now lets address the two problems I've aforementioned.
The first one is that he feels you aren't behind him and supporting his business-venture. You're either finding-fault, or you're being discouraging. Starting a new business in the midst of an economy now stricken by the pandemic is only complicating things; and making the start-up of his business all the more complicated and uncertain. Rather than giving him encouragement, and trying to weather the storm together; you're both going at each-other. If you never wanted him to go into business, or now you're trying to discourage him with your own doubts and fears; you are causing a schism, if he doesn't see giving-up as an option. If you are otherwise trying to encourage him, but trying to tell him what to do; he feels you have no confidence in his abilities, and think he is going to fail. He feels you're a jinx, and not offering the kind of support he wants. He's disappointed, if you don't trust and believe his venture will succeed. Nobody likes a nay-sayer! Nothing takes the wind out of your sails, like someone you love telling you what you can't do. Especially, when they are crushing your dreams. Part of your success comes from them standing beside you all the way. Whether you succeed or fail! It's a wife's duty!
The other problem is the frustration of fertility issues. Couples trying to have children have the most pressure coming from outside-influences. Parents who keep demanding when you're going to have kids? That is the cruelest, undoubtedly the most insensitive, nastiest, if not the most divisive thing parents do; when their married-children are having trouble conceiving. Meddling and needling at them about something that is so personal and private; not considering your feelings, if there is an underlying fertility-problem. Kind and understanding parents back-off without needing to be asked. Sometimes its the way spiteful women take jabs at the women they don't like. Attacking your womanhood and ability to have children. That's a cruelty beyond words, and I can't image why anyone would go there?
Fertility-problems could mean great expense, and it often requires extensive and very intrusive medical-procedure to determine the medical-reasons conception hasn't occurred. It could be due to a low sperm-count, or there could be female-issues you have. In any case, to discover there is a problem is painful and disheartening enough. Even when there is no particular medical reason; then it's just a matter of timing. That's still frustrating and disappointing. It is too personal to publicize to nosy and mean-spirited questioning as to why you haven't had kids yet? Why do people insist on asking when it's none of their business? Nobody can tell you; but sometimes you have to tell them flat out in no uncertain terms...THAT IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS...AND WHEN THE TIME COMES FOR YOU TO KNOW, WE WILL LET YOU KNOW!!! If they don't care about your feelings, don't give a hoot about theirs. Be respectful to your parents, but sometimes you even have to put them in their place!
Sometimes what must be most upsetting is that you might think everyone assumes somehow it's YOUR fault, it can't be his. While your own parents are assuming it must be something wrong with him. Then there's dealing with inquisitive siblings or cousins who have a dozen screaming ugly kids; who keep rubbing your nose in it. Nosy-neighbors or co-workers who want to know. All the celebrations over newborns at work. Every female at work of child-bearing age is walking around with a huge baby-bump. You also have to listen to females with toddlers at baby-showers as they brag about how their babies are little geniuses, and everyone is doting over their spoiled little brats. That makes people still trying feel all the more hurt and frustrated. Then you both takeout or vent all your frustrations on each other. You're trying, but nothing happens; and everybody is waiting for you to bring them the good news. You must let all those who pressure you about it know that you need them to back-off; and not to pressure you with such questions. Let them know if it hurts your feelings that they should keep asking; not considering how it makes you feel.
Now you've hit a roadblock in communications. He is completely shutdown. Lets not get too involved in who's to blame for that. Try to concentrate on what lead you up to this point. Why did things escalate to this level? What is it on your mind of grave importance that you didn't say? What scabs are you constantly picking-at that upsets him, until he no longer wants to even talk to you? He has given-up in frustration; because neither of you seem to be calm or understanding people at the moment. You use anger to drive a point, instead of using love to support each other when things get tough. You exchange blame and accusations. You yell at each other, but you don't listen. All you say and hear is what will make each other hurt. You're not really mad at each other, you're tired and exhausted at all the crap that seems to just keep piling-up to the ceiling. You're up to your necks in frustration.
Before separating, ask him if he would go to a few counseling sessions with you. You don't know how to talk to each other without blowing-up. You vent frustrations on each other without directly addressing the problems that have brought you to this point of frustration and discord. He doesn't protect you from attacks from his family, and leaves you fending for yourself; instead of having the balls to man-up and tell his mean-spirited family to show you the respect and kindness you deserve. A man has the responsibility of standing-up for and by his wife. Protecting her and his family. If his family doesn't like you; well and good, they don't have to. They DO have to respect you! He has to be a man, and see that they treat you well. If you have to argue about it, and he makes no effort; then you have to consider how much he cares about you that he wouldn't support and protect you? Is he also blaming you for not producing him offspring, when it may not be you to blame at all?
I think when people keep mentioning separation or divorce as a solution; they've made up their minds. If he refuses to talk, that's his way of punishing you; and not giving you any opportunity to plead your case. He is silencing you, because he has heard more than he wants to hear from you. You hit a sore-nerve and sometimes your words can be as lethal as sword to the heart. It can ring in your ears forever! Both sides probably said some pretty nasty things; but he has to consider all the other variables in the equation. Stress, pressure, fertility-issues, family-problems eating at you; and dealing with a pandemic. You probably had a rocky-relationship all along; but all these significant complications only made things worse.
You need professional-counseling to mediate and referee your discussions; because now you have a shutdown in communication to top it all off. We men tend to shutdown, because we do not like dealing with emotional-situations. We do not like exposing our feelings, and we don't like fighting about relationship-problems; mainly because it always seems we are accused of being the cause of everything that's wrong. It may be true in some cases, but nobody likes to be told how much of a problem they are. Counseling will level the playing field; when you get an obstinate-partner, who decides to have the last-word and nobody else gets a word in edgewise.
May I suggest that if you have a faith-system that you resort to prayer, and seek spiritual-counseling from your faith leadership. You also have to seek help from a Higher Being when worldly issues seem hopeless and unmovable. Prayer opens and closes doors that cannot be moved by earthly means. Even if you have absolutely no belief whatsoever, what could it hurt to ask God for help? He lovingly and patiently waits until we come to Him; and He will intervene if you believe He loves you. He does! I will pray for you, and your husband. I don't care whether you are believers are not. It might help.
God bless you, God give you comfort, may He guide and protect you. Fight for your marriage; but if he insists on leaving, pray for strength to do what you have to do.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2020): Hi I’m OP. I added an answer but it didn’t get posted. What I wanted to say was we have had a wonderful relationship. Of course with a few ups and downs but we never abused each other. This time it was different. He was yelling at me for sometime and I lost it. I agree it was my fault. I should have just kept quiet. But it was just too much. Thank you all for your advice. I will give him some time to get his head sorted. I don’t honk I can again talk to him about this matter because today when I did it ended up as another argument. I don’t want to argue again and again.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (20 June 2020):
Notes:
I am not saying this is one person's fault. You both engaged in verbal nastiness to each other by your account.
Just forgetting the fight and moving on is what we call rug sweeping. Look it up. It is a very poor way to deal with a problem.
Abuse is dangerous. It can be fixed, but professionals will always suggest starting with at least a temporary separation. This is in order to keep everyone alive.
Score keeping, (insisting you deserve a second chance because of something that happened in the past) is closely related to grudge holding, with the same disastrous outcomes.
Being as you have posted anonymously, I will forbear further advice until you follow up.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2020): How did you start the fight and what did you say exactly? What did he say? You say you were hurt too, but why didn’t he apologize?
I agree that you can’t expect to always be forgiven if you lash out first then say sorry, but is there more to this story on his side? It’s strange he wants to separate and not even talk or say sorry when you say this has happened only twice before.... either these three times were absolutely deal breaking awful; or there is more to this story that justifies the way he feels and his refusal to acknowledge his part; or you are unfairly carrying the fault alone on your shoulders.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (20 June 2020):
 Saying sorry is all well and good but it doesn't undo what was said, especially if it hurt someone. People will never forget how you made them feel.
Some couples can fight and get over it while other can't. It sounds like whatever you said upset your husband. That said, you were probably upset as well, so it seems a bit unfair that you are doing the apologising while he is acting all hurt and wounded, like he is blameless.
If he refuses to get over this, then you are going to be left with no choice but to call it a day and move on, hard as it will be. In your shoes I would give him a little while to sort out his head, then bring things to a head by insisting you talk this through. You may have to accept there is no going back, in which case the sooner you end the relationship, the sooner you can move on.
I wish you all the best but would just say, don't put yourself through the pain of flogging a dead horse. You may just have to grasp the thorn, as it were, accept your relationship is over and move on.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2020): Hi OP here. I just wanted to clarify something. Our marriage has been wonderful. A few ups and downs, yes. I agree that this time I was out of line. He was yelling at me for sometime and I lost it. I asked him twice not to tell but he didn’t stop. But I know what you all mean. I’m wrong and I shouldn’t have said what I said. I don’t know what to do. Can you please tell me what I should do now? Should I just give him some space? I tried talking to him but it ended up in arguments so I stopped. Now he is completely ignoring me. And I’m doing my thing. What should I do to make this right? Pls pls pls advice me!
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A
male
reader, Justryingtohelp +, writes (20 June 2020):
Rather than trying to win him round by apologising over and over, or just having this huge white elephant in the room, I think you both need to sit down and discuss this calmly and rationally. You need to make the best decision for both of you.
You may not want to give up on your marriage but if he can't move on you have no choice. It sounds like you were both out of order so perhaps you need to stop taking all the blame. The sooner you are both completely honest and open about this the sooner you can make decisions about your futures.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (20 June 2020):
I have to agree with FA.
Saying "I'm sorry doesn't erase what you said". It doesn't erase the issues you two obviously have.
His family not treating you right, is that HIS fault? No. He can't MAKE his family like you, love you or be decent people. Unfair of you to blame HIM for that. And to carry it around as an excuse for YOU to yell at your husband.
He |IS right that it's easier to split up when no kids are involved, but he didn't say that because it's logical, but to put YOU on notice. HE has had enough. And I think he wanted to make you feel what he felt when you yelled at him. Or, he just wanted to hurt you.
Does it mean you are all wrong and he is all right? No. You are both handling this in different ways and neither are working towards making the marriage work. SAYING you want to stay married means little if your actions don't match.
He has EVERY right to say enough, I don't want this kind of relationship or marriage.
You can't "just" forget what happened, neither can he. You can't unring that bell, but you can think what YOU want to achieve and how to achieve that. And then talk to him. You can't MAKE him want to work on the marriage. That takes two.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2020): You say, "I have tolerated his problems for years." Would you elucidate?
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (20 June 2020):
anonymous writes: I just want to forget the fight and move on with our lives.
Thanks for the very illustrative post. it is a very good warning to anyone. It is so much easier to just forget the fight before you say the abusive hurtful words. After the Abuse occurs it is harder not to see what the person you married is capable of doing. No one (not even you OP) should stay in an abusive relationship.
Your soon to be ex husband has the right of it. It is better that you separate while the abuse is only at the words level. When it gets to the hands feet and eventually weapons level, it is much harder to recover.
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