| A
male
,
*onfused
writes: Hi,I hope someone can help me out. My girl-friend and I have been in a relationship for many years now. A major problem in our relation is that we fight a lot, mainly about the future. She wants to concentrate on marriage etc while I want to concentrate on my career first and then other things. Another contentious issue is sex talk. This causes a lot of arguments between us, and due to this we break up every month. But again, we feel so miserable and uncomfortable without each other, so we promise to behave maturely and then patch up. But the whole cycle repeats over and over again. This has made both of us really frustrated. The days when we are apart, we mess up other things due to the frustration. Please can anyone suggest a long term solution which will work?Thanks in advance. Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Monk +, writes (1 December 2005):
Marriage and career are not necessarily at odds with each other. It depends on how you understand marriage. For some, marriage is about making a career stronger. And if she doesn't want to have a career, then she's lazy, weak willed, and immature.
Either way, you should ditch her. You really want to marry someone who is dependent, needy, and a glacier in bed.
Keep her around for now until you find someone better. Then you ditch her. She'll either end up on welfare or with some sugar daddy.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2005): Sure. The long-term solution is that one of you cares more about the relationship than about the arguments and is, therefore, willing to compromise.You can't get married until both people are ready to do that. Your gf is scared bc she doesn't want to lose you - she doesn't want to wait on your career for a long time, only to find that you weren't that serious about her. Your inclination to concentrate on your career first means, at least for now, you probably aren't.Can she handle being more serious about you than you are about her? My guess is no. Unless you're ready to be more serious about her, be a man and deal with the misery. Explain to her the problem, tell her you love her but can't be with her, and that this is really the end. Then mean it. It will be awful and for quite some time you will probably feel like you can't imagine a worse pain. But, eventually, you'll get over it. Or, you'll decide you don't care as much about your career as you thought you did and you'll really *want* to marry her. Just be sure you don't use marriage as a blanket to cover the pain.
...............................
A
male
reader, DreamMaster  +, writes (29 November 2005):
 Hi,Based on the limited info there, I would say your chances of long term happiness in this relationship are quite slim.Marriage vs. Career: These options are so diametrically opposed that I honestly don’t see a long term solution that will make both of you happy. Whichever one 'wins' is going to result in the other person feeling resentment towards the winner. This resentment will fester and eventually come out, a year down the line, 3 years, whatever. Either way it’s bad.Personally I don’t think you should get married. You are breaking up every month - that is NOT good grounds to build a marriage on, particularly as you seem to imply a certain amount of immaturity in the arguments. I guess one would hope that the relationship matures before marriage, but then I am really again recommending you at least put it off until the break-ups stop for a good 6-9 months. Then and only then think about setting a date.If you are having problems with sex now and can’t talk about it without splitting up, this is another big problem. Again you need to mature and be comfortable talking about these things if you are going to get married. Maybe you should think about having a relationship with someone who you are comfortable talking and doing all these things with...I think you know yourself that you shouldn’t marry this girl, at least not for a few years - you are doing the right thing saying you want to sort out your career first.So while I couldn’t recommend breaking up now – (neither of you seem emotionally ready for the single scene at the moment), I would say that you probably already feel the relationship is not going to last in the long run, and I would start to prepare yourself for it – ie start going out with other single mates a bit more, start planning a life without her. That way when the inevitable happens (and lets be honest it is building up to it), you will be much more prepared than you seem to be at present.Sorry if this isn’t the advice that you wanted to hear, but I get the feeling you have this in the back of your mind already somewhere.
...............................
|
