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female
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*hanzie
writes: I've started dating a guy about 5 months ago. When I met he told me about a friend that he had for 4yrs...a friend that he had been having sex with. She was in love with him but he wasn't in love with her. That she understood their relationship and understood that he didn't love her. When he told her about me it broke her heart but she said that he had always been honest with her about his feelings and wanted to continue just being friends.The guy has been divorced for 8yrs and has raised a son on his own. He doesn't introduce women to his son because he doesn't want them to have a relationship unless he's ready for one. Well I've met his son, I stay at his house all the time, we are together a lot. I take his son places and I also pick him up. He gave me keys to his house. He's never given keys to any other woman. The friend from above would have to call him before she could even come over. This meant a lot to me because I knew that it wasn't something he did.He told me that he loved me before I would ever tell him. He told me it was like he's known me all my life. That I was sent to him. We talked about having a life together and getting married. He's the one who approached all of those subjects.So now I have fallen so in love with him. I'm 37 and he's 48. I've have been in love twice in my life. Words can't describe what I feel for him.Just 3 wks ago we had an arguement. He called me up and said that maybe we shouldn't see each other anymore..later that day he calls back to tell me that he's sorry for bringing hurt into my life and that he loved me and later that same afternoon he calls me to see what I'm doing ...when I ask him to join me for the evening he informs me that he has dinner plans with the friend above. He said that he loved me but he needed to figure somethings out. He called me first thing the next morning and told me about their date. He said all he did was cry and talk about me and how confused he is. So for a week are so he's been telling me that he loves me but he's not sure about his feelings for her. I also want to let you know that his brother who is also his best friend is currently in a hospice and probably won't make it to the end of the year. This is tearing him apart.The Friday before Thanksgiving he changed my brakes for me and we spent the day together. When I asked if he had plans for the evening he said that he did and I knew who with. I told him then that I couldn't do this anymore. It hurt too much. So I dropped him off at his house and drove away. Later that evening he called me crying..I just knew that something had happened to his brother. He wouldn't tell me what was wrong and didn't want to come over. He said what he was going to tell me I didn't want to hear. That he didn't want to hurt me. But he needed a friend. He came over and I opened the driver side door and he was crying like a baby. I asked him what was wrong..and he told me that he had lost the best thing that ever happened to him. The old friend left a message on his cell phone telling him that she loved him but the man she's with now makes her happy. She left on Saturday to go out of town for Thanksgiving week...she got back this Sunday.I was crushed ...what was left of my heart broke into pieces. He also told me that he had slept with her about 3wks ago. So yes he cheated on me. I've always been a very strong person and my ex also cheated on me and I didn't want to hear anymore I just threw him out. But with this guy all I wanted to do was hug him and cry. We ended up talking for hours and we went to eat something. He dropped me back off at my place and he went home. He called me several times to tell me he was sorry. The next morning about 5am I called him several times and couldn't get him on the phone. I was worried about him so I went to his house to check on him. He was up but his phone was on vibrate so he didn't know that I had called. We talked for a long time and we laid in his bed and slept for a couple of hours and made love we woke up. I ended up spending all week with him. We visited his brother who is dying. He's unable to see, speak or move due to a stroke. We talked about his feeling on that and talked about his feelings for me and his ex. He and his friend didn't talk at all that week. Sunday morning we made love twice, we went to eat and talked some more and he told me that he loved me but he also loved his friend, that he has known her for a long time and they have a history together. Once again I was left crying and broken hearted. He took me home after about an hour he called to see if I was okay. I couldn't talk to him because I was crying so hard. He called me again later that evening to tell me that he had called his friend because she was back in town and that they had talked about getting back together. That he wasn't sure if it was going to happen. That they were going to meet in the next day or so to discuss it. I told him not to call me anymore. That this was just too hard.The next morning what does he do? He calls to see how I'm doing. Again I was too emotional to talk. He calls me again at lunch to tell me that he's between a rock and a hard place. That he doesn't know what he wants. That he had just seen something that made him think of me and it was hard for him to breathe. He said that he was meeting his friend that evening and all of this madness would stop. Well, after this conversation I wrote him a 3 page letter telling him not to call me..if I'm not the one then there's no reason to call. I expressed to him how much I want to be with him and love him but I also told him that I needed to heal. Not to call. I don't want to see him. All of this has left me a basket case. He called to tell me that he would do as I asked and he also let me know that he didn't see his friend because she had other things going on.During this whole time he's been telling me that he loves me. He always ask me if I love him. I have poured out my heart and soul to this man. He even got extremely mad that another man flirted with me and asked me out. He wanted to beat the guy up. I asked him why? That if he and I are just going to be friends that he can't act that way. I want to call him so bad it's killing me...but I know that it will cause me more heart break. I have become a person that I don't know. I've lost my pride..which is something that no man has ever taken from me until now.I'm just so confused?
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best friend, cheated on me, crush, divorce, flirt, his ex, my ex Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2005): This man's life is in disarray and I'm sure you see it because you are living it. Having his ex gf lingering in the background, is preventing you from having a deep and lasting relationship with him. His involvement with this other woman is keeping you just where he wants you, meeting his needs but not getting ultimately close to you. Even among the most feeling-driven of people, common sense and clear thinking must evaluate what the heart wants. Take some time away from him and do an intelligent, step by step evaluation of what a future would be like with this man. Remember he cheated, on you and trust is the most crucial foundation of any relationship. When he cheated on you did you not have grave doubts about his character? That should've been a huge red flag, dear. He talks continuously about his love of this ex gf and the past, about his heartaches, his problems, his sorrows-all to the exclusion of everything else-including you. This guy doesn't know what he wants and he's not ready yet for a loving, mature, giving relationship. His emotional baggage is in the way. The only way to change this sad situation is for you to take matters in hand and realize this is an either/or situation. You look him straight in the eye and say, "dear, it's me or her?" It sounds like you want commitment, and a forever place, with this man. If he begins his, 'you are my best friend' speech, tell him you will be his beloved partner, his lover, his wife or whatever you and he will commit to but..you will bow out of being his 'friend'. He will either come running or disappear. If he does not commit, you will not have ultimately lost anything, for there wasn’t much there. You were being used. In your shoes, I would sit him down and tell him what you want from her. If he chooses her..then you walk away, resign never to see him again and start your new journey of healing your heart. In time your healing will be over and you start life anew. Moreover, you will end the months of emotional drain he has caused you and find someone you can really love and who will give you the most wonderful, sharing and giving love back. Take care my dear...my heart is with you
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