A
female
age
41-50,
*aybeth
writes:So I'm really confused.I met this guy 6 months ago and we fell head over heels for each other straight away. We were crazy about each other, adored each other. He wanted to introduce me to his family and friends and I flew over to New Zealand to meet them as he wanted.He and his family told me that he was the happiest he had ever been with me.Before he met me he had booked a 6 month trip to Africa and I had booked my own travels too.He said that when he finished his travels that he would come join me in the new city where I was due to begin work in May. So we had 2 months together and then as we couldnt combine our travels - I went and did mine, he did his. We tried long distance for 2 months but it got too difficult as he had such limited access to phones and internet. I broke things off as it was too hard. He was quite upset but we both agreed we would put things 'on hold' as he said and we both wanted a future.Then I got sick and contacted him to let me know. He came over to see me and spend time with me, leaving his trip early. He spent over 2 weeks here and helped me move in to a new place and all.When he first arrived he was so happy to be back with me and was talking of coming back to my home country at the end of the year. He asked me to go to his sister's wedding at the end of the year and even suggested moving in together.Then 3 days later he got really upset, broke down. Said he wasn't sure what he wanted, whether he wanted a relationship or not. He's not sure where he wants to live, or what he wants to do.He told me he just needed to distance himself and sort his head out.So he has gone back to NZ, his home country. When he left he told me he still loves me but he's not sure what he wants - relationship or not.What changed?What do I do?
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male
reader, Almaty  +, writes (4 July 2010):
I agree with the above comments and wanted to add that our generation (i'm 25 and guessing you at least not 35+) is into the leading-an-interesting-life all the time. The problem is that, at some point, we need to figure out what we're going to do with our lives long term. Obviously traveling around to cool places is only a job for a very small group of people - most of us have to pick a location and build a life. When you know that you should make such a move, but don't have any idea as to what or where, it can have an adverse affect on oneself. I faced this decision myself as I neared my the end of my Peace Corps life abroad - what was next? I had several small break downs, because when I returned home, I returned to an ok job that was mind-numbingly boring.
I suspect this is what has happened to your BF - he has no idea what to do with his life and you can't really help him figure it out. You'll have to wait and see what happens, but to be honest, it probably won't end the way you want. He'll eventually figure out what he wants and you'll have to accept that.
Good luck as you wait.
A
female
reader, Denise32  +, writes (3 July 2010):
 A couple of things stand out.
One is that six months is a very short period of time to be dating, and it sounds like things moved very fast. When a relationship starts off intense and fast, there's a danger that as you get to know one another better, you'll notice their (and he your) "feet of clay" and realize you don't have so much in common after all.
The other thing is the distance. Complicated by the fact that when he was in Africa phone connections and internet were quite limited.
Given all this, I'm sorry to have to tell you that his pulling back was almost bound to happen, sooner or later.
All you can do at this point is to allow him some time to settle down now that he's back in New Zealand and find out where he is with all this. Maybe not contact him at all for the next month or so. Perhaps he'll get in touch with you and then you'll have a better idea.
All the best!
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A
male
reader, RyanS  +, writes (3 July 2010):
 I guess you started the crack by this: "I broke things off as it was too hard.". Then he thought, this girl can break things, I should take this a bit slow. Short term attraction is there, but trust has taken a hit.Without trust, no long term deals are possible as you also know. You decide if you want your guy for long term, and if yes, then put more effort in making it work.
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