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male
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*anders
writes: Hi,I have recently broken up with my girlfriend of 16 years. IT is mostly my fault.I had an affair sometime ago in the past eight years ago to be precice. we patched things up after that and have been pressing ahead since. back in 2005 feelings changed betwen us - mostly due to the fact that we couldnt have children.My partner detached from me in an emotional way, now I know this was wrong but in the autumn of 2005 I met a younger girl 27 and started to have an affair with her.this had gone on for sometime when my partner found out.we tried to reconcile but the feelings didnt comeback she was still withdrawn and stuck into her work and hobbies.So I went back to the girl for affection.my partner found out again and has now left me.I am so distraught, I am 36 years old but I have spent the last 16 years with her.I did leave the girl I was having the affair with for good before she left in a last ditch attempt to get her back - it didnt work.its now been three days since she left and I am on diazepan from the docs to try to calm me down.Part of me thinks that she should move on, then the other part thinks that we had something absolutely amazing which I had a part in destroying.Please help me - Alex.
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male
reader, Zanders +, writes (31 August 2006):
Zanders is verified as being by the original poster of the question Hi Guys,
Thanks for your responses, some are a little hard but have a certain amount of truth in them.
what I failed to mention was that I did try over the year to make things better with my girlfriend and we tried IVF.
She dropped the IVF because she said she needed to loose weight to improve her chances.
I also failed to mention that she stoped have sexual intercourse with me because she felt so over weight and unsexy. I re-assured her I always thought she was sexy irrespective of weight.
When I kissed her on the lips it was like kissing a great aunt. she just wasnt into it.
She did not loose her weight initially and continued to be miserable and unhappy.
No matter what I tried nothing worked.
we drifted further and further apart, her with her hobbies and work - me with my hobbies until we were almost a couple of strangers living in the same house.
as soon as she found out I was having an affair she lept into life and lost her weight - all of a sudden taking interest.
now she has lost her weight she looks fantastic and hence she has moved on.
as I said no matter what I tried nothing worked, she lost interest in everything.
Rather bizarrely once she found out about the affair we had the best sex life ever.
none of it lasted though, her resentment of me and new found confidence gave her enough impetus to move on.
We were an amazing couple together and the sort of couple you would of thought would never break up - hence the 16 years.
Dont know what else to say, I am so upset about it. I feel so much anger to her.but I would have her back in a heartbeat.
A
male
reader, Withnail700  +, writes (31 August 2006):
 Hi Alex,
I am your age (36) and for two years I did the same thing as yourself. I had a wonderful girlfriend, kind, attractive and intelligent. I loved being with her and we had some great times together. But in the two years I was with her, something drove me into the arms of another girl twice. I've been on my own now for two months after she found out about the affair and now I'm alone and trying to work out what went wrong and why?
I still think about her, dream about her even, but perhaps in hindsight, being away from her makes me see only the better things about the relationship. I always find myself getting nostalgic and conveniently forgetting about issues that perhaps were the reason for things going wrong and my decision to see someone else. It's easy to get into this thought trap, thinking that things were really better than they were in her absence. If things were so right between you and your ex then would you have strayed? If you were really, truly happy I don't think you would have; just as I don't beleive I would have myself. I beleive in my case, I was looking for something I've not yet found, and will continue to look (no matter who I'm with) until I've found it.
Perhaps in your own situation it's different. But ask yourself this: if things were so right and you were so happy, would you have felt the need to start an affair with someone else? I think people whom are truly happy with their lot rarely find themselves starting affairs. And if they do, they are fools. I sense you're not one of them. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, Helen1986 +, writes (31 August 2006):
 Well what do you expect? Finding out that you cannot have children is the most horrifying news for a woman ever. It is like part of you is destroyed. Every woman in the world dream of having children, to find out that you cant makes the world shatter infront of your eyes. I know it is hard on you aswell, but you should have supported her and helped her grieve. Not turn your back on her and find affection elsewhere. Why should she ever get back with you? Everybody makes mistakes but twice? No thats not a mistake it is a habit. I think no matter how harsh it is for me to say it but if you love her let her move on. I do hope that you don't do anything stupid though and you do take care of yourself, but let her move on. Good luck and take care of yourself
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