A
female
age
30-35,
*aime90
writes:I have been in a relationship for 9 months now and i am completely in love and i know that he is too, but we fight almost every couple of days, and not little fights, most of the time we say we are going to break up (even though we both know we wont really do it).An example: The last fight we had was on a sunday night. We had been apart all weekend and we were talking abour our weekends. I mentioned that an old friend of mine (a guy) had called me on saturday night wondering why i wasnt at another mutual friends party. When i told my bf he was very jealous and angry and kept asking me all these questions about him. He was saying "you must not be friends, you dont even talk" and i said that we had talked on facebook a few times recently and he got angry and jealous asking me what we talk about. i got angry at him because he was being stupid, i mean cant i even talk to male friends on facebook? And i yelled a little bit and said he was being stupid so he started to say whatever im not talking to you. then my anger subsided and i said ok lets talk, and he would not. The next day we went in to uni together not talking. we came home together not talking and i kept trying to fix it and talk to him. He kept saying were not fighting were just not talking and that he doesnt care.That night we were still not talking when we went to bed despite my many attempts to clear it up. We finally did start talking but he was being rude and saying stupid things like the guy must know im a slut (which i am not!) and call me up to hook up at the party. he made me so angry that i was yelling and i ended up punching the wall.in the morning he decided to leave my place and when he was about to he couldnt leave because he didnt want to. so we talked more and finally sorted it out. This is the kind of thing we fight about. It is ALWAYS about his controlling and jealous behavior.i need help i cant stand to fight anymore. It always results in me breaking down to tears and being so upset because he tells me he is going to leave. are we growing apart? sometimes i think maybe were not meant to be and i wonder what i can do to stop our fights? he admits that all he does is make me upset and he says that he treats me badly because he knows i wont leave and he knows he can get away with it.Last fight he told me that i need to get help because of things that have happened to me in my past. He tells me that it has made me insecure and i need to talk to someone. He said i am so used to being treated like crap that i cant live without it. now im not sure if there is something wrong with me? I have become a different person since we have been together, and sometimes i dont even know who i am. My bf even tells me i am not the person he thought i was, but i think this is because of how he puts me down. he tells me to stand up for myself, but when i do it only gets worse. i want to know how to get my old confident secure self back. And i dont want to leave him, i just want it to get better.
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facebook, insecure, jealous, puts me down Reply to this Question
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female
reader, jaime90 +, writes (24 October 2008):
jaime90 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thankyou all for your advice, even though its not what i want to hear but deep down i knew this is what is probably the best. At the moment im just going to see how things go, i have started reading books that i think will be helpful, i am reading one about finding yourself and what you want and also we are btoh going to read men are from mars women are from venus and my bf is also reading some for himself. Last night he told me he understood alot from reading so far and that he realises he is pathetically insecure for putting me down.
Anonymous thank you so much. It is helpful to hear from someone who has been through it before. I do think that us breaking up will change both of us and make him realise alot about himself. But tell me what are you going to do now? Are you going to try and get her back or no?
x
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2008): im the same age as you. I was controlling towards my ex girlfriend. I can completely understand where you are coming from.My ex girlfriend sat me down told me things needed to change, wrote me letters etc etc. At the time it was a temporary sort of relief, i felt happy for a few days or whatever. Then something else came up, i blew it out of proportion, i went over the top argued, came up with all these theories that you cant just be friends, y wud u do this why wud u do that.My girlfriend never did anything to make me not trust her, i became paranoid in myself. And it was a viscious circle.I was blind to how i was been and i really mean that. Im not making up excuses for your bf or anything cos i know now i was in the wrong and by the sounds of it so is your boyfriend.Ive changed now BECAUSE we broke up. I love my ex more than anything, i want to be with her again more than anything. its been 5 months now and we have both changed, in a more possitive way i feel even though i miss her like cray and want to be with her again.Sometimes it takes a big thing like breaking up to happen to make people realise what they want and who they are.Its probably the hardest solution to your problem but beileve me i think its the best one. Make your own decision though and think it through, i dont want to be responsible for breaking a couple up!I know that my ex had simply had enough of the pain, hurt and fighting and thats why it ended. Relationships dont always end because of a lack of love, sometimes people need their time apart to learn, grow and change.I understand you dont want to leave him, and he more than likely doesnt want to leave you either. But put it this way, he needs to change his mindset, you cant change it for him. You need to become yourself again, the person you were when you both got together!It takes time, alot of hurt, ups and downs and everything else. Im still going through all that now, but i know how much i love my ex and i know what i need to do. You boyfriend needs to figure this out for himself (if youve had talks and explained things to him).Best of luck! let us know how it goes whatever you decide to do. Im interested because of similar situations!x
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (22 October 2008):
Things will never magically get better.
As a couple you may have feelings for eachother but this is it. A nasty circle of shouting and hurt.
This relationship is not a good one to be in and I think you should call it quits for both your sakes.
Good Luck!! xx
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