A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My girlfriend can't have sex at the moment due to a health issue with her vagina. She is hopefully seeing a gyno soon to figure out what's up. My question: should she offer to perform oral on me while we go sexless? if she does not offer (she has not so far) is it wrong for me to ask? I feel like if it were reversed, i'd offer to get her off every day until we could have sex. She has not offered though. Also, I feel like an ass for asking my girlfriend for head. I don't think it's wrong to ask but I can't help feeling weird about it. Someone tell me to get over it and ask.Or am I wrong??Thank you
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2011): i have female issues too..there is time we dont have sex for 2 weeks or so... we dont see each other doring the week only on weekends due to our job schedule. hes very understanding ... please dont make her feel like crap about it. ... even tho he wanted to just play with my clit i felt gross and i didnt want to be touched down there..i had a fear of turning him off... you can always try anal sex it works for me and him especially when we cant have vaginal sex ..
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (26 January 2011):
 One more thing. If she thinks it's a miscarriage, there may be some resentment or anger there. That is, some thinking along the lines of, "I'm the one who gets pregnant, I'm the one who has this awful bleeding, I'm unhappy that I lost a baby, I'm miserable." This is not conducive to happy sexual activity. This of course may not be a miscarriage at all. It is important that she go get seen. A hysterectomy because of some easily treated condition left to go too long is FAR more expensive, emotionally AND financially, than a visit to a gynecologist's office.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (26 January 2011):
I see, you're actually a little afraid of her, what her reaction might be if you try to press on her for some oral sex. She is indeed stubborn, and foolish.
You might try bursting into tears and having a meltdown about her not going to the hospital. Become unconsolable because she is being so cavalier about her health. A little drama might rock her back on her heels and disarm the stubborn response.
As to the oral sex, my guess is you don't actually feel you can speak with her about sex, is that the problem? A stubborn girlfriend doesn't make it easy, does it?
Do you ever talk about what you like in bed? I mean, while cuddling and not during sex. Play with her hair, caress her, and tell her all the things you like about her and what she does and how she makes you feel? Romance her a bit, lying there close, and cuddling, and talk about how much you liked that time she gave you oral until you had an orgasm. Use the love-making words you normally use, I'm using more clinical language.
Tell her how much you miss feeling so close and connected to her. You're going to have to explain how sex makes you feel bonded to her and how important it is for a good relationship.
It's possible she is fully aware that you are champing at the bit for some bedroom action and isn't actually bleeding at all, she may be avoiding it for some reason. It could be that the hormonal birth control she may be using is messing with her hormones and she doesn't feel very sexy or much like doing anything in bed. The point is that you have every right to talk to her about your feelings and your desires, it sounds though that you two have developed a certain rigidity in your approach to sex. There doesn't sound like there's much play in it.
How would you characterize your communication with her, can you have an intimate talk like this?
I can give you some more approaches to talking to her and to physically connecting with her via cuddling and massage. This will convey that message that you are desperate for something. However, I'm betting you've tried some of the nonverbal stuff already and have been shut down.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni gave the facts relevant to my question, so don't make assumptions based on what i DIDN'T write.
of course her health is top priority. i have begged her to see a doctor. her friends and mother have also begged her. i offered to pay -- for everything. she gets stubborn when she feels threatened or upset, and is convinced a doctor won't help and the bleeding will pass. her plan was to give it until wednesday (today) and then take it from there.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (26 January 2011):
To assist you in this endeavor, I realize you might require some assistance: http://www.plannedparenthood.org/
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (26 January 2011):
Many girls enjoy giving head. Virtually ALL girls dislike vaginal bleeding. Okay, you're young and sexually frustrated right now, so I'll cut you a break, but you are worrying about getting HEAD while your girlfriend may have something very wrong with her??? REALLY??? Is THAT the kind of boyfriend you are?
I wasn't going to bring this story up, but now I have to. A friend of mine wanted children very badly. She was married to a guy who pretty much thought only of himself. She got pregnant, very happy, yay, a new baby! Then, the worst happens, she miscarries, after a very upsetting hospital visit and grieving the baby, his reaction? That night they got home from the hospital? He says, "Guess that means a blow job's out of the question, eh?"
Nice. Not surprisingly, he's now her EX-husband.
Please, my dear, yes, it's nice to pleasure the other half of the couple when one partner isn't feeling up to full sex. Yes, it's a nice gesture. Yes, to all of those things.
Your girlfriend is BLEEDING VAGINALLY for several WEEKS, and your focus is your penis. Seriously. Do you perceive that anything is wrong here? Perhaps you are missing out on something?
Get her ass to the nearest clinic. Plannedparenthood.org can give you a referral to a low-cost clinic, or even possibly free, but you have to ask. Maybe you can ante up some cash for her too, as if it was a miscarriage, you were involved in creating that situation.
Jeez louise. CALL THE CLINIC TODAY AND GET HER A FREAKIN' APPOINTMENT. THEN DRIVE HER THERE AND SIT WITH HER WHILE SHE WAITS. MAN UP! Yes, I'm shouting at you.
Jeez freakin' louise.
http://women.webmd.com/tc/abnormal-vaginal-bleeding-check-your-symptoms
AFTER she sees a physician for a diagnosis, THEN come back and we'll talk about asking her for some head.
GO!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks for the responses. to answer the general questions:
the "issue" is that she has been bleeding for a few weeks. it seems as though the symptoms point to a miscarriage or ovarian cyst. she does not have health insurance at the moment so is refusing to go to a doctor, despite my urgings.
and
we go down on each other always but only during foreplay before sex. in our 8 month relationship she has never "finished" from oral and only "finished" me once.
i would like to give and get more "complete" oral. so i guess that is the real issue, which is heightened now that we aren't having sex.
i just feel like if i have to ask for head, she doesn't want to do it. then i get uncomfortable when she does. i shouldn't feel this way, right?
do girls like giving head?
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (25 January 2011):
I would be more concerned as to what this illness is. Let's say she has an infection - you might have it.
I would just not bother about the sex until you know what's up. You don't want to start passing infections around, or have her getting worse or something.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (25 January 2011):
One more thing. If this 'issue' is a mysterious discharge that indicates a possible infection, it would be a good idea to have YOURSELF checked too, just to make sure you don't have something that you would then be introducing into her mouth.
http://www.webmd.com/sexual-conditions/guide/20061101/oral-sex-may-spread-common-std
I believe Chlamydia, for example, can be transmitted from penis to mouth. There are other STDs as well that are associated with oral sex.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (25 January 2011):
You said she can't have sex, I assume you are referring to intercourse? But does this 'issue' mean she can't enjoy some manual stimulation by you? Can you use your hands and fingers to pleasure her? And if the 'issue' is not a contagious infection of some kind, can she enjoy receiving oral stimulation from you?
I'd approach it that way, find the mutual pleasure in ways other than intercourse, make it fun for her and if you two already enjoy oral sex with each other, I'm sure she'd feel fine giving you oral.
Now, if this illness is making her feel pukey, or nasty or uncomfortable, then it is chivalrous to desist in sexual advances. In other words, if she feels like shit, don't ask her for head. That'll just make you look like a selfish guy.
It would help if we knew what the 'issue' was, this is pretty anonymous already so it's not clear why you didn't share that with us.
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A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (25 January 2011):
 Nothing wrong with asking. Try to think of a way of saying it that is neither demanding nor timid. If it's the former, she'll be rightly offended; if the latter, she'll be annoyed and so no.
You have every right to ask that she continue to maintain an active sex life with you, particularly if you would be willing to do the same, as mentioned. It's not like sex is some reward she begrudginly doles out to you in exchange for her own pleasure and whims - it's a mutual act of love and affection. Just because one person is temporarily incapacited does not mean both have to be.
If she says no, you'll have to accept it. I'd be wary of the way she views the relationship if she does say no, but it's not a defniite sign of trouble, just a heads-up. If the problem's gonan be fixed soon anyway, it's probably not worth worrying about.
Don't let anyone else shame you for your desires, only for how you act on them.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (25 January 2011):
 You're angling this wrong. The point is not that she should offer you oral or not. The point is that as long as you are in a sexual relationship it is in the best interest of the relationship to be a loving partner and think of what is good for your partner. That means you should not be selfish and demand sex if she can't give it, or doesn't want to, but it also means that you'll be willing to do things to please each other.
Im a bit puzzled that this is a problem in your relationship? Has she never performed oral on you before? Has she told you she does not want to do it? Are you performing oral on her? Did you ever have sex? If you used to have sex, and she used to give you oral, and you gave her oral, is there any reason for why you think the oral sex will stop?
In the case that you have never performed oral sex on each other before, only had intercourse, it could be a good idea to suggest to her that you perform it on each other as a way to still have sex even though you can not have intercourse. She should of course still get pleasure! I wonder why you think she needs to offer it to you alone, are you not interested in pleasing her in return? You said you felt that if it was reversed you'd do it to her... but... she can't have intercourse, so neither of you can, and this effects you BOTH. Not only her. So this isn't about you, or her, it's about you as a couple! If you want to continue to have sex then talk to her about it and have sex, just not intercourse.
If you're feeling weird about asking I assume it is because you aren't used to talking to her about sex, and you aren't used to having this type of communication either. It's time you learn to talk about it and bring communication into your sex life as well. Probably she would very much like to give you oral but feels just as weird about asking as you do since you typically do not talk about these things.
So just talk to her about it. Don't demand anything, don't say she should offer anything. Just talk about your sex life and what you would both like and how you can still enjoy each other. Remember that this is about you as a couple, not you as an individual, and not her as an individual.
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A
female
reader, LustyLisa +, writes (25 January 2011):
You need to get over yourself!! She's going "sexless", what about her? Yes, you can ask and see how she feels about it and if she doesn't mind doing it, that's her perogative. But, I'd ask without expectation and if she declines accept that without resentment. Taking care of your sexual appitite is not her only purpose in life and asking for oral sex will come accross as selfish and one sided since there's nothing you can offer her in reciprocation.
If you were having a "penis" problem, would you be in the mood and/or willing to go down on her so she wouldn't go "sexless"?
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