A
male
age
41-50,
*mazinglyUnloved
writes:Asking for help is hard to do... but I've found my way here, where it seems good advice is all around.A little about me: I'm a solid guy, no emotional baggage or other major life issues hanging around me - been there, done that, learned my lessons. I'm in a good headspace, have a lot of fantastic friends and a family that couldn't be better for me. I'm extremely intelligent, with diverse interests, easy to get along with and very empathetic. A Real Nice Guy.My question( way at the end )is about a woman who recently broke up with me, but still wants to be friends... yet here's a preface first:I haven't had the greatest luck with relationships over the years - in fact, I've only had two serious ones. My first one really messed things up for me: I started late, in university, with an incredibly smart girl who was a friend of my best friend. As things turned out, she ended up dumping me for said best friend... and they ended up married. Wrecked my university year, on top of other family problems at the time - in effect, I lost two very close friends.A few years later, I was seeing another very intelligent girl, again from my university( still trying for my degree ). We were intimate a few times, but after that things cooled on her part and we parted ways - like the first girl, it was more of an unspoken drift than really settling things, which hurt me again.Since those two relationships, I haven't had anything more than a few dates a year and had pretty much given up hope of ever meeting someone compatible with me, who would challenge me in all the ways a good partner will. I've searched the world over and found nobody for over ten years... all frogettes and no princess.Then, a few months ago, a woman messaged me on a dating site, out of the blue. We met for a first date... and talked for 3 hours straight! She's amazing, in so many ways... like a compendium of everything I was looking for. We went on two more dates, which was difficult as we're both very busy people at this point in our lives. There's definite chemistry there and a connection I can feel, mind to mind. We talked or texted almost daily, about all sorts of things, not just trivia. She's been married before, had family issues... yet she's still so great, even after her recent break-up with her ex in the summer. She's very open and doesn't seem hung up on the past.Awkward me, I was so afraid of pressuring her, that I still hadn't kissed her on the third date. I'm such a chivalrous dork; I KNOW I should have kissed her, but she had told me after the second date that she wanted 'low pressure' dating, so maybe I took her too literally... but I digress.She broke up with me a few weeks ago, amicably, but it was over the phone. She said many times as we were dating "what an amazing person I am" plus other really complimentary things, but she said she broke up with me because of "compatibility issues" ... She said she's a 'risk-taker' and does 'crazy shit' wheras she sees me as a solid, responsible, dependable person who puts his family first and treats everyone kindly. She said she DOES NOT want to stop talking to me either, because I'm anything BUT boring - she loves talking to me.So here's My Question:If I remain friends with her, should I still hold out hope of eventually dating her and even courting her again?I'm no fool( well, maybe a little for love )as I realize she might have major issues I've not had a chance to find out about yet in the short time we were together. My job for the last ten years has given me the skills to judge a person very well by many factors, so I know she's being honest on most things. She is THE MOST INCREDIBLE person I've met in my life, and I don't want to sit idly as a friend when I hope for more. What should I do? Remain friends for months / years, getting to know her, and suppressing my hopes for more until 'the right time' comes up? Is she hoping that I'll chase her regardless, 'refusing to accept' her denial of our being together and pushing to date again, regardless of her saying we're "incompatible"?( insert Opposites Attract / Catch Me If You Can / Prove Your Love To Me quotes here ). It's weighing hugely on my mind... to search for so very long in vain, then to find someone so unique... and THEN have THEM say we can't be together because of a single factor she thought of... it's crazy-making.Thing is, if she's such a risk-taker... why won't she take the risk on me? I'm a sure bet.
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male
reader, baddogbj  +, writes (14 November 2010):
 She found you boring. Not necessarily in a conversational sense but in terms of the relationship dynamics. You were too predicable, you were waiting for her approval instead of letting her earn yours.
DON'T go the friend route. There is no future there.
If you want her to be your lover then, tonight go and see her, latish, say after 10pm and tell her that there must be some mistake and that you are not in it for the conversation and that its her body that you want and that if you havent made love before midnight then you'll have to move on.
A
male
reader, Universe Man  +, writes (13 November 2010):
I'm similar to you. I have everything going for me. Looks, intelligence, money, and a genuinely good heart. But I was a virgin until 22 and usually go months and months without getting horizontal with a girl.
She's a "risk-taker" and does "crazy shit." I think she's looking for a bad-boy to make her feel alive. Nice guys finish last, and the jerk always gets the girl. It's the same old story. I haven't even begun to figure it out. The point is, the girl's not unique, and neither is your story. The reason this isn't working isn't her, it's you. (It's me.)
To answer your specific questions, no, don't be her friend unless you really do want another completely platonic friend. You're not going to intrigue her unless you discover and express a completely new aspect of your personality, one more along the lines of what she's looking for. And no, she's not hoping you'll chase her. She's wishing she could find someone who amazes her like you, but also excites her like that mysterious tattooed guy she saw riding his motorcycle without a helmet on.
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A
female
reader, Nime +, writes (13 November 2010):
 She says she wants a risk taker; take a risk. Step outside of your boundaries and ask her to do things with you you wouldn't normally do. Don't take no for an answer. This is the kind of woman who wants a leader, not an equal. She wants you to push her, pull her, show her new things, shove her out of her comfort zone, take her for a ride, play Tramp to her Lady. She does not want a gentleman who will sit back and politely let her decide what to watch on the television tonight. She wants a guy who will drag her out of bed at 3 AM to go play in the falling snow. Do you understand? If you want a future with this woman, you will need three things: imagination, spontaneity and drive.
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