A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I recently broke up with my boyfriend of 2 years. The relationship had been great, but during one blow up fight we ended things. We were broken up for a month, but after talking things out we got back together. That was 3 weeks ago. Things have been great since then when we are together, but I have a constant insecurities about a few things.During our breakup I made it clear to him how I felt and that I hoped we could resolve our differences. He said that he wanted to talk but needed to cool down, and never told me at all where his heart was at. When we got back together I figured that I didn't even want to know if he'd been with anyone else during that time because it would hurt too much. I figured that even if he had I could move past it since technically we weren't together at the time.During the breakup he friended some new people on facebook, not surprising. But one very attractive women 'likes' everything that he posts, and in the last week has commented 3 to every one of the pictures. I really wanted to get up the nerve to ask him who she is, since it says that she doesn't even live in the same country, but thought that the relationship may be too fragile and I didn't want him to think that I'm crazy jealous. This morning, while he was in the shower, I noticed his backpack sitting in my bedroom and couldn't resist. I was honestly thinking that I would not find anything and I could stop stressing about things I'd see on facebook. Instead what I found was a ticket to a flight he took out of state for a weekend. He had an elaborate lie for that weekend, stating that it was his mother's birthday celebration, and has since continued that lie on multiple dates. I confronted him about this, partly because I felt so guilty about snooping, and partly because I felt nauseated about what I'd found.He told me that it was nothing, that he thought the relationship was to fragile to tell me that he was flying out of state to meet a girl that he went to school with. He said that they'd never been in a relationship and he also met her boyfriend. He said the girl on facebook is someone that friended him that he's never even met before. And then he left very quickly stating that he "couldn't even look at me" because I'd violated his privacy.I feel horrible. I hadn't even thought of the snooping as a big deal. He'd stayed at my apartment for 4 months, and I didn't care that my whole life was exposed to him. I'm torn between what to do. I love him and I desperately want to trust him (and for him to regain my trust), but not sure where to even begin, or even if I should just compose myself and move on???
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female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (27 July 2012):
 See that's the thing...unless you subject him to a lie detector test or pin him down and pummel him, he isn't going to tell you the truth...and if he is telling the truth, would you believe him anyway?
He owes you a better explaination as to why he lied, although it is possible that he was trying to not get you all riled up...he failed anyway, so maybe it's time for a face to face, cards on the table talk to really establish where you stand.
You have my sympathy xx
A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (27 July 2012):
 Hi
The problem is you cannot accept it, you do not trust him, he went on the trip and whats done is done.
I don't think this relationship can go anywhere now because there will always be doubt in your mind and he knows this.
You've been back together 3 weeks and in that time hes been away on a trip, youve checked his backpack, youve seen messages on his FB from some random girl.Youve confronted him and hes walked out. That makes the whole thing very fragile.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@ old bag
I agree I do have some trust issues since we've gotten back. But turns out those may be warranted. I'm not talking about something that happened while we were on a break. It was stupid of me to go into his bag. Absolutely agree, & I can't take it back now that it happened. Regardless, his trip happened AFTER we got back together. And lies to continue covering it up happened continuously since then. It may be that he's telling the truth now about everything, but how can I just accept his word at face value when he's told such a huge, Jerry Springer like, lie?
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@Aunty EmNo, neither of us posts a relationship status at all. It drives me nuts when people post everything about their relationships online, so instead we both leave it blank.The problem is that we were back together when he took this trip. In fact we were only together for one day when he booked it. He told me that he wouldn't be available for the weekend because he was going out of town to his parents' for his mother's birthday celebration. And he continued this lie every time his mom's birthday came up in conversation (multiple occassions) for the entire time that we were back together.He says that he thought the relationship was fragile because we'd just gotten back together and he didn't think that I'd understand that he'd travel so far to see a girl that's just a friend. Problem is, he's got lots of female friends and I've never had a problem with him travelling to see them.The girl on Facebook only came up when I was explaining to him why I snooped in the first place. He says that he's never met her, but I have trouble believing this now that he's been caught in such a huge lie.I told him that I didn't want to even know if something had happened while we were apart because it would hurt, but that it wouldn't stop me from moving forward since technically we weren't together at the time. He said that nothing happened.I want to believe him about everything but it seems impossible to just take him at his word. I can't really ask him to prove it to me (ie by showing me the messages sent between them prior to the trip) because I've already violated his privacy. And while he makes a big deal about me opening his bag, I feel somewhat justified. If he hadn't given me something to be suspicious about, then I wouldn't have snooped at all. And as it turns out my suspicions were justified. How can he ask me to trust him when he's been lying to my face (and so easily). I really want to move forward from this, but I need to know that he's telling me the truth now. Without that I'm afraid I'll question everything in the entire relationship. How can I know that he's being honest without making him feel violated at the same time?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2012): Neither of us has listed a relationship status at all. I told him that I don't like when friends post everything about their relationships online, so we just don't do it at all.The problem is that we were back together at the time of the trip. In fact we'd been back together for only one day when he booked it. He told me that it was the family celebration for his mother's birthday and continued this lie, on multiple occasions, for a the entire time that we've been back together.I hadn't found a way to ask about the girl on Facebook until I was explaining what made me snoop in the first place. But now I find myself wondering if I can believe anything that he tells me. I don't feel that it's my place to ask that he prove to me that he's telling me the truth this time, because the only way to do this would be for him to show me the messages and since I just admitted to violating his privacy...I told him that although I don't want to know if something happened while we were on a break (and he said that nothing happened) because it would hurt too much, that I could move past that since we technically were not together at the time.He said the he knew the relationship was fragile and didn't think that I would understand him travelling so far to see someone who's just a friend.Which makes no sense because he's got lots of female friends that he travels to see that I don't get jealous about.I feel that if I knew that he was telling me the truth now that I'd be able to move forward, but not sure how to do that without making him feel that I'm violating his privacy further. At this point it's hard to know what's true of our entire relationship because he managed to lie so easily, and right to my face.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (27 July 2012):
There are so many issues here, so it's easy to see why you are so upset and confused.
I would forget about the girl on facebook (who likes all his stuff) since he has never met her. I am assuming he has his relationship status set to 'in a relationship' so that would ward off any unwanted attention?
If he hasn't then you need to ask him why not and let him know that seeing other women falling all over him online kinda messes with your head and damages your trust.
As for the girl he flew out of state to see...well I don't think you will ever know the circumstances. Could be that he was upset following the break up and needed to get away...so literally the trip could mean zilch...if something happened, then it obviously didn't work out or else he would not be back with you.
People have to accept that when on a break (and with no expectation to get back together, people are technically single so all bets are off. Men always hook up much quicker following a break up...it's an ego boost and and insecurity thing. Women like to test the loyalty card after break up, they pine and calculate the steps that lead to break up and they are the worst at 'point scoring' imagining that their ex is doing all kinds of stuff to get back at them, when in all reality, men often just move on quickly for sex and boosting (because it makes them feel better).
The most defining point is that you ARE back together and that implys a fresh start when all that has gone before is forgotten. People, given this fresh start are much more likely to be successful at working things out, rather than old wound festering away that are 100% sure to destroy the relationship anyway...
So you have to decide if it's 'forgive and forget' or accepting that you personally will never get over the remaining issues and will have to quit.
He will not reinstill your trust all the time you bring up the past...he might try for a while but unless his efforts bear fruit, he will give up quickly.
It's a bitter pill, but it's up to you to decide how much of the past you are prepared to let go, in order to make things work out.
If he f**k up again then you can always end things down the line, but for now, you probably need to give him benefit of the doubt or your efforts to rekindle will be pointless.
Good luck and let us know how it goes xxx
Em
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (27 July 2012):
Hi
I actually believe him and his reasons for not telling you,I also think it was very wrong to go through his backpack. You have trust issues since you got back together and whatever he did or didn't do, well, you were on a break.
You need to put the break behind you and start afresh for this relationship to continue.
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