A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I broke up about almost 3 weeks ago, we had been together almost for a year, actually, tomorrow it would been a year. When we met he was separated from his wife for a 18 month and he was waiting for the divorce to come out but that's not all, he also has a little 2 years old girl, he told me since the begining everything and that he understood if i didnt want to date him because of that, but i dont know what inside of me told me that he was a great guy! and i was right, we started dating and everything was great, we saw each other almost everyday, then 6 month later, he moved out to another city near by, but that wasnt a problem, i went over there to see him or he came over here and visit me!! after 3 months of living away, he finally got divorced and i was so happy!! we never had any problem, we even had a trip to grand canyon with my family, we loved each other so muchabout a 6 weeks ago i started noticing him strange, like uninterested and at first i thought it was just my imagination and that i was pmsing or just plain crazy, after one day i talk to him aobut that and he told me i was right, that he knew that he wasnt the same with me, that i was giving everything to the relationship and he wasnt, but that he wanted to talk to me in person because he didnt know what he feltso that was on a friday, that weekend was so hard, he kept being the same, even that we spoke about it and on sunday i just could handle it anymore, so we talked and he told me that next day he was going to come to visited me and talk about it! he never came so we talked over the phonewe broke up, he told me that he didnt feel ready to continue our relationship, that he felt that he wasnt a 100% with me, that there where some issues that were unresolved with his past, but he was sure that he loved me but he didnt want me to wait him until he could solve that issuesi cried a lot that night and next day i woke up more relaxed, and that week passed by, until next friday he sent me a text saying he missed me i didnt answer back and on sunday he called me, he was coming to town and wanted to see me! so we met and talked about, i understood more his position and notice that he was hurting to and it was hard for him, that he still love me a lot but didnt want to hurt me! i told him to get professional help and to solve everything he had on his mind and heart and when if happens and he still has feeling for me, to come and look for me, maybe i still have feelings for him too! i told him that i wanted to be his friend and support himafter that we didnt had contact just for one day and then he started texting me, sending me emails or facebooks inbox and a couple of days later he started calling me, that night he told me he misses me and loves me, to be honest i feel that way towe still talk, he calls me everyday, at least 1 one a day and we talk about everything, it's different because i try to act as his friend although i'm dying to be the same as i was when we were togetheris this healthy?? i know he loves me and that he is trying to fix up everything with him, but is this good for me?!! in a way i know that i'm waiting for him but i keep on with my life, doing everything i want and i'm open to date someone i want but i still have really strong feelings for him...
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionfirst of all, thanks for answering!! it's great help!!!
his daughter lives in another city and the situation with his ex emmm is not the best, she doesnt give him a chance to see his daughter! he went to see her last weekend and before that, he saw her in february, so that's really hard for him
I swear I try to understand his situation, I dont blame him or I'm angry at him, is the other way around i'm very thankful with him because he always kept it honest, everything and I know he decided this because he didnt want to keep hurting me because I noticed his mood swings
As I said, I want to support him, even if he doesnt come back to me, I want him to be happy and be at peace with himself and if me being around helps, I'll do it, but I'm getting a bit afraid of getting hurt, I dont know if that makes sense
Of course I still love him and I dont want to start another relationship immediately but what I meant when I said that I'm open to date someone, is that I dont wanna be close to the opportunitty of meeting someone, as the second advice said.. that doesnt mean I'm getting married right away but I know myself and it will be hard for me to start dating again when I feel so much for him.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2010): NO, it's retarding your ability to heal and get over him. This is a really cruel thing to do to someone. Cut him off, and get over him.
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A
female
reader, JLAnna  +, writes (4 September 2010):
If you want to date someone else, then I am not sure if continuing to speak to him like friends is helping (especially if you still have feelings for him). You still have those feelings for him so are you ready to go out there yet and start a relationship with someone else?
From what I understand, I you are torn between acting as his friend and having those feelings at the same time.
This is not a good position you are in and you need to sort out your feelings. If it is not meant to work out and he only wants to be friends right now, then you will have to move on with your life.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2010): This could end in one of two ways: you work through this, be patient, and when he's ready he'll come back in to the dating part of your relationship, or he'll string you a long because he can't take being alone when he actually doesn't want a relationship.
By the way you're talking, it genuinely seems like he really isn't ready to move on yet. He want's to be with you but he needs more time. Your comfort and support is helping him transform from his past to future. Be patient with him. On the other hand, he's saying himself he isn't ready yet, so if you want to go out and have a good time--by all means do it. Getting out to the dating scene while remaining friends with this man. Like you said, you can't wait forever, and just because you're getting out there doesn't mean you're marrying someone else! Be patient, but also think about yourself and have fun. Good luck and take care!
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (4 September 2010):
Hi there. Perhaps he just wants to go slow as far as a new relationship is concerned.
Remembering that he has just recently got a divorce, he probably doesn't want to get into a deep, heavy emotional situation again and with it the possibility of it all going sour on him.
He does have his child to consider as well. Divorce is always hard on the children no matter what age, but especially on younger children as opposed to adult children.
His little girl doesn't need any more emotional trauma in her life - she's already had enough. So he is definitely considering her needs now.
So for now, it's probably going to be best to be friends and forget the boyfriend/girlfriend thing for a while, and just see how things pan out. But don't try to push him for anything more as it might push him right out of the picture and out of your life forever.
In the meantime, make your own life as interesting as it can be with your own friends, some hobbies and interests and give to yourself for a change. Your own personal needs are just as important as those within a relationship. This is the perfect time for a life makeover for you. Over time it will all work itself out, but don't sit around holding your breath for his situation to change, or try to force him to make a decision. All in good time. Is his daughter living with him? If not, he probably has her stay for a weekend every 2 weeks or so.
So with his daughter staying for the weekend, he probably doesn't want to cause any confusion to her.
Take it easy and just chill for a while. But don't forget to be happy and enjoy your own life. Look after yourself.
Best wishes.
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